How to recover from my old job?

[Motorina]

Until a month or so ago, I was an NHS employee. Relatively senior. I was literally bullied out by my boss because, due to restructuring, I was no longer needed, and it was cheaper than making me redundant.

I have no words to express how horrific it was. I stuck it for months. Routinely cried driving into work. Developed palpitations, dizzyness and IBS. All that resolved when I left.

My boss made it abundantly clear to the team during my notice period that she was glad I was leaving, whilst being sweetness and light to me. Now I've left she's slagging me off to the team (small world, so it's got back to me.) It was and is... not good.

I am now in a new job which, on the face of it, seems great. But I'm irrationally fearful because of my past experiences. I have a routine meeting with my new boss tomorrow and I'm trying not to panic about it. I feel like I need constant reassurance. I shouldn't need constant reassurance! But my confidence has been badly knocked, and I feel like I'm just waiting for someone to shout at me.

I can't be the only one who's dealt with this. How do I get past this and be the professional I know I can be, before the past year knocked all the confidence out of me.

Can you sue for constructive dismissal, validates you and a nice lump of cash.

It is very unlikely your new boss will be the same as your old one. They obviously liked you at interview and gave you the job. Your concerns are real and natural, acknowledge them then focus on what you have done well in your new job. The anticipation is far worse than the meeting will be.

Don’t underestimate the impact your previous boss had on you and effectively the lack of a resolution I.e. confronting/challenging your old boss about their bullying. As pp suggested you could lodge a grievance and/or contact ACAS asking to use the dispute resolution process. However, be aware that anyone who chooses to go down this path will find it very stressful and time consuming.

A more pragmatic approach may yield a better outcome for you. These are some suggestions to help you close the chapter on your bullying boss:

• write down everything that happened and how it made you feel, what you would like to have said/done, the decisions you took and why - there is evidence the physical act of writing it down can help. Then burn it or rip it up.
• draft a cease and desist letter to your former manager I.e. stop slagging me off to the team. Don’t send it do it to get out your frustrations, again then burn it/rip it up.
• if your new employer has an EAP, contact them and ask for a counselling session - this is confidential and can help you by talking through what happened etc. They may give you access to an online CBT course to help you focus on the future rather than the past and to help you rebuild your confidence.
• Alternatively look at counselling services in your area, private and NHS. Again they may offer CBT or other services to help you acknowledge what happened and then move on
• Consider looking for Well-being/mental health initiatives in your area, I’ve found they are area specific. NHS, MIND, County Council Adult Education/community services websites for my area offer a wide range of support to help people rebuild their confidence etc.

HTH

I went through something similar. I had counselling. I would look into counselling if that’s an option for you. I’m sorry this happened to you.

I was the same with my last job, now 6 months into a new job and wow... its like I can breathe again.

I found it helped to talk to friends about what happened with my last work, particularly friends that knew my old boss. I could totally frame it in my mind as a 'her' problem. There was a lot she did that was just not okay for a boss.

I also found the work letters page 'ask a manager' therapeutic. In that so many people go through this at some point in their working lives and also to really help me see what a manager should be. It is not okay to shout at your employees. It is not okay to routinely make them cry. It is not okay to run your team on a culture of fear.

Lastly time and a positive new environment heals. Write a list of things you want to talk about ahead of the meeting - things going well, things you'd like help with, try and build a rapport with them by having a few minutes of social chit chat before talking work things.

I am very happy now and my confidence is coming back, yours will too.

It's hard but over time the evidence shows if they value you. They very probably do, and you will go on to have a fulfilling and fun time in this job as you did for many years before in your other job.

I put it all down in a letter to send to HR as she was harrassing me after I left too. It started interfering with my new job. She once told me to my face that I wouldn't get anywhere as the others in the team were young. I'm hardly old at 45. I was shouted at, publicly undermined, constantly checked up on, told off like a child for no reason, I had an email I had sent left on my desk with her 'corrections' as I didn't send it her way. I was made to feel like an inferior member of the team.

I never sent the letter and I don't care what she says about me now. I am in a much better job, with the most amazing boss. Its taken a while to not be constantly checking over my shoulder. I have weekly 121s with my boss, he's been great and we have a lovely relationship/friendship building up. I can finally be me and it feels so nice. He made me cry the other day though, I'm his PA, I'd done something for him and he just said thank you and then said something was being delivered the next day. The feeling of being appreciated meant so much to me.

My confidence has returned and it shows in my personal life too. In time yours will too. Don't let your past cloud the present. They saw potential in you and that means something.

I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. I left, got a new job, and in my very first meeting with my line manager I mentioned that my old boss and I had not worked well or gelled together and I had a loss of confidence and was nervous. He was utterly brilliant. Didn’t overwhelm me from day one, didn’t throw me in at the deep end. Three years later I’m still there - better job, better salary, more annual leave, flexible working, better pension.

Thankyou, everyone. It is very much appreciated - particularly knowing others have gone through similar.

A couple of people decided going down the tribunal route. Would I have a case? Probably. But, from what everyone says, it takes over your life for two years, and I just don't have the resilience.

It's good to know people come out the other end.

Feedback from my boss was super positive, so I'm really pleased.

Glad the feedback was good, that will help.