Husband, Money, Part Time

[Mummy1111111]

Hi everyone.

I've gone part time after returning from mat leave. I now pay 1/4 of our household bills and my husband has started to pay 3/4 since I returned as part time. I still pay my own personal bills in addition to this e.g. my contact lenses, phone etc on top of the household bills, as does he.

He earns about 20k more than me per year now that I'm part time.

He's a good dad and husband overall but with regards to money things are always a bit of a sore subject. He never had money growing up so he is very ott with finances. What I'm struggling with is he doesn't seem to understand that he is contributing to our family household rather than 'paying me'. He makes comments about him paying me the extra 1/4 that I used to pay when full time, as though he is joking but it annoys me each time he says it.

He has said that he is 'funding me to be part time'. The reason I am part time, is because my mum can look after my child 2 days per week and I don't need to pay for childcare then. If I worked full time, I am only about 100 per month better off after paying nursery fees so it isn't worth me being full time.

I am looking for advice on how I can word it to him / make him understand that:

1. he isn't funding me to be part time. He is contributing to the household as a whole whilst I spend my days off work looking after our child.
2. Other husbands don't make their wife's feel this way. They seem to want to pay the extra and be proud that they are able to do that for the family.
3. That making jokes about 'paying me' isn't helpful.

I just want some advice on how to speak to him about it without causing an argument. I just want to explain how I feel and how I perceive other husbands to just pay their way for their family without batting an eyelid about it. I feel like he is almost holding it over me that he is giving me money per month towards my half of our bills whereas My friends husbands just pay it etc.

I hope this makes sense I'm struggling to articulate it without him sounding like an awful husband. He is a good husband but it's just when it comes to money that I find it difficult with him.

Thanks in advance.

Why would childcare need to come solely from your wages?

You’re falling into a trap here. And off the career ladder. Is he topping up your pension?

I wouldn’t compare him to other husbands as that’s likely to get his back up before being able to say the important stuff.
I would go down the lines of, we are a family, your not paying me, if you keep saying it then I will go back to work full time and you can pay 60% of the childcare or we can both go to 0.8FTE and split the childcare / childcare bill equally. Get the figures out in-front if him. Hopefully he will soon realise.

A friend worked out how much full time nursery it would cost, deducted her share of the bills from that and told him he owed her that. My DH mentioned it jokingly in passing once and I told him he owed me three-fifths of my annual salary so he should shut the fuck up about bills.

You have to tell him very firmly that your contribution is equal. That you don't appreciate his comments. Then you have a standard line that you repeat every time he mentions it, ie 'I believed we had agreed that dismissing my contribution to the household was demeaning and hurtful Brian?' And if he can't get his head around it, leave him. It won't get any better. God I hate meanness.

Go back full time and split the nursery fees with partner, all equal job done.

I too was going to suggest finding out how much you would be paying for FT Childminder or Nursery and billing him for that.

That of course is only resolving actual amounts, not the fact he doesn't see you as a team working together for the best for your family unit.

My advice would be for all income to go in to one pot, and each of you to have equal amounts for your own 'spends' / treats.

Tell him to go part time too. Share the childcare burden in terms of both time and money.

Sorry I meant that we would both be paying childcare costs if i was full time but overall I would only be £100 better off doing this. And he would still be spending more money than usual, it would just go to his half of nursery rather than to 'me' x

You’re missing all the in work benefits though. What price do you put on that?

Urgh!

A man like this would turn me right off.

He sounds stingy as. I would just tell him to stop being such a bloody tight wad and stop making comments.

In terms of 'cash in the family pot' you might only be £100 a month better off but what about your experience, keeping you training or skills or network or knowledge up to date? What about your pension contributions ?

Prepare him an invoice for the childcare that you do when you otherwise would have been working full time hours. Then maybe he can see the cost saving.
I never understand why couples get married, have children together and yet operate their family finances in this separate way. They won't be treated separately if you file for divorce! By all means agree a sum you can each have as your individual disposable spends each month but all other finances should be pooled.

When the children are school age it will pay off for you to have only been £100 better off for the past few years, as your earning potential would have increased also.