Did I fail to take feedback well?

[LassoOfTruth]

I’m going back and forth about this, not a major issue probably but it’s bothering me. Sorry, it’s a bit long:
In my role I manage projects up until a certain point, whereupon I hand them over to another department who are effectively a services team to my team. The handover process usually involves a meeting which I chair, introducing external clients to the services team, who in turn give a presentation on the next steps.
We have a whole new offshore services team. They are excellent but their manager is a little… highly strung.
To my problem: this manager, who isn’t my manager nor even my superior, called me into a virtual 1-2-1 where she basically reeled off a list of things I’d done wrong in MY handover meeting. A meeting which she’d invited herself to, because her direct report, now my project manager for this project, is very new. I’ve been in this role at juniors then senior level for 8 years, have done dozens of these meetings. I’m all for 360 feedback and she had a least one comment I’ll take on board- a good point badly expressed perhaps. We can all improve etc, can all develop bad habits that could be changed- fine. But I felt it really inappropriate for her to harangue me like this (it was all quite nit-picky stuff).
So I emailed my line manager, basically saying this has been a strange/uncomfortable conversation and I’d like it not to happen again - ie could we find a more mutually-beneficial way to give our feedback on this sort of thing.
That was over a week ago - no response. I’m now worried I sounded like an arse who can’t take criticism instead of someone standing up for myself!

Sounds like she was tactless in how she gave you her feedback but it also doesn't sound like you handled it particularly well. What did you actually say to her when she was "haranguing" you?

You say it was "nitpicky" but that makes it sound like her points were valid but just not showstoppers? Is she more detail orientated than you? If she is, and this work is being handed over to her team, her concerns may be understandable. Her direct report may have asked her to attend, possibly after raising concerns to her (which they may not have felt they could raise to you if they're new and junior).

What do you mean by her being "highly strung"?

To be frank, I wouldn't have gone running to my line manager saying that it was uncomfortable and I didn't want it to happen again. I think that sounds weak.

Thanks for your reply @HundredMilesAnHour . To clarify, she mainly complained that I’d rushed the meeting. I explained that these particular external clients, who I have worked with before, were already familiar with some technical systems stuff and I therefore, very politely, asked the presenter (her report) to skip ahead a couple of slides. I was patient, though inside just a bit incredulous and wondering who the f she thinks she is. She actually had the temerity to argue with me then that as x hours were allocated to the meeting, it should have been x hours etc. It was just weird. She’s obviously very committed to the role but seems under stress. And a bit controlling- that’s what I mean by highly strung I guess. It’s her job to be detailed and I am too, but this was quite disrespectful and totally not the normal way someone in her role should communicate concerns to someone in my role, if that makes sense.
I think she wanted to attend in order to check up on her report- who apparently she told he was too slow- we can’t win - not so much to support him. Anyway how she manages her team is not my business. But she’s not my manager.
I am indeed thinking I sound a bit pathetic running to my manager. That’s fair. But how else to handle? This is exactly the sort of thing he asks us to tell him about. When services get too big for their boots/do something a bit off

Oh dear, she does sound like a pain. Do you think she's competing with you. or threatened by you? Or she's just very rigid?

I'd probably list down all her points (if you haven't already) and note your response/feedback/mitigation/next steps against each one. Then I'd email it back to her whilst thanking her for her feedback and copying your line manager. If her points are trivial/bullshit, your line manager will see the evidence of her being annoying and you having dealt with it proactively (and covering your arse). It also shows her that you listened and took her feedback seriously, even if you may subtly be showing she's incorrect in your feedback. With people like this, sometimes you just have to play the game.

Actually, if you have a good relationship with the external clients (sounds like you do?), I might also be naughty and go back to them and just confirm that they're happy with everything including the pace of the session you chaired. And then I'd end my email with 'x client confirmed that the pace and content of the meeting was exactly what they required and they're very happy blah blah".😜

Im in two minds. She said x amount of time was allocated and it was done quicker. Is the client charged for the reduced time, was their expectations managed you would do it faster?

when you told the presenter to skip ahead and miss some slides. Did you ask the client if that’s what they wished? Or did you just decide?

it does read like you missed some stuff, done it much quicker. You feel this was ok, she didn’t. How did you handle it when she expressed her concern? Did you explain your reasoning or were you defensive

if your manager hasn’t responded, is this normal or are they seeking opinion from other employees there on how you led it? If it met the company requirements and commitment?

Also I’d ask. You want a better way ti manage feedback to you. Did you suggest what that should be, some options>? What feedback methodology do you believe is better than a one to one conversation?

I was patient, though inside just a bit incredulous and wondering who the f she thinks she is. She actually had the temerity to argue with me then that as x hours were allocated to the meeting, it should have been x hours etc.

And perhaps she was thinking "who the f do you think YOU are?". To be honest, she may have handled it better - I don't kow because I don't know what was said. But you sound rather pompous and not used to doing things in any way other than the way you want to. And you also come across as controlling here, so I wonder whether your version of reality accords with hers? Everything you've said about her comes across as just as much about you, based on your attitude here. Surely in this role managing relationships is as important as managing the projects? Because it doesn't sound very much like you have manged the relationship well.

@Diffuserqueen thank you - good idea. I did make general suggestions to my manager in this vein, but this is good advice to be proactive/positive about enabling feedback. Maybe across teams generally- I don’t want to single her out particularly, since I don’t believe she was being malicious, just a bit tactless/inappropriate. Possibly a cultural difference too which again, isn’t personal so I won’t hold it against her or anything silly like that. We get along fine, but it is a new working relationship. Fwiw clients (we don’t actually refer to them as such) do not pay for this time or anything, some of them expressed a preference for a shorter meeting otherwise I wouldn’t have cut anything out.
@Quveas with respect I don’t think you’re quite understood the situation/hierarchy here but thanks for the input. I’m really not pompous! But will think about my attitude here and how I might come across to relative strangers. If a MN stranger thinks I sound pompous, maybe I do.
I guess my point is that regardless of the ins and outs of that particular meeting it’s fully my remit to run these meetings as I see fit, and not her place to even comment on that never mind critique me. That’s not personal, or me being high and mighty, it’s how our respective roles work. I didn’t mind her joining, but actually she interrupted a fair bit which I wasn’t thrilled about but didn’t say anything out of professionalism. I thought, no big deal, she’s new and her team member is new and nervous, it’s good she’s supporting him. It wouldn’t occur to me to schedule a separate (40 minute!) call with her a week later to tell her off for all the bits I didn’t like.
Anyway I’m overthinking. Will consider practical actions for improving these meetings/feedback. I just felt like for once I should stand up for myself, but maybe went about badly. Sigh

I can’t get past you asked somebody to skip a few slides. I think if somebody is doing a presentation you let them do their presentation. She was probably sticking up for her team member who possibly felt humiliated by you. You seem to lack empathy, dismissing other peoples concerns as nitpicking and yes, unable to take feedback.

It's perfectly normal to skip slides if they are covering basics that everyone knows and understands 😕

I don't think you should have asked someone to skip slides in front of the client. That's rude and undermines them, I think.

Have you ever interrupted a presenter and asked them to skip through some of their slides? I would find that professionally discourteous.

Anyway how can you even know that everybody knows it? It could be that everybody has been skipping through this bit for years because they assume everybody knows it, when in fact a recap might be beneficial. But that is besides the point, it is rude and condescending.

Skipping slides with content you know the Client already knows would be perfectly normal in my industry. If the meeting lead didn't suggest it some of our Clients would do so themselves, and be quite annoyed at being expected to waste time (that they are paying for both for themselves and us!) listening to things they already know. As long as the OP didn't criticise the other person for having the slides in the deck there should be no issue here.

If my colleague is presenting and the client is obviously bored and says 'we know this, can we skip on' then damn right I tell colleague to skip on. Why wouldn't you?

I think we work in very different places....

It seems like she hasn't quite understood the relationship between your role and hers.
It might be useful for her manager and yours to clarify to everyone where different remits end, all in the name of the team having new people in.

You sound very committed and detailed OP, but also quite hung up on seniority and who reports to who/is more senior than who, which in turn comes across as a little whispers pompous...

You've shown yourself as quite a twat. Your colleague was new, they were nervous and despite that and with no warning at all, you told them to skip some slides on a presentation in a meeting with no warning at all. It's really hard to change gears when you are new and learning a process. Why didn't you tell your colleague before the meeting so they could practice appropriately? And why didn't you send any form of a brief to your colleague before the meeting?

It's obvious you know you have experience and want that acknowledged in YOUR meeting.

Then you've flown off the handle instead of reflecting on the feedback and asked your manager to do something for you that is nothing but awkward.

I think you ought to reflect a bit more!

Nothing to suggest that the client was bored or didn’t appreciate a recap. As I have said earlier, maybe OP has been skipping this bit for years because she assumes everyone knows it. It was completely unnecessary and undermining to a new member of staff who had probably worked hard and been practicing this presentation.

Sorry I asked now 😂it’s perfectly normal in my workplace to skip slides if appropriate for the audience/timing, and no one was offended. Except me, because I felt I’d been treated in a highly condescending manner. My boss has finally got back to me to say yeah it was definitely not on and he can understand why I was irked. If anything he seems more annoyed than me so I guess I can feel vindicated and draw a line under it. I think a pp was right in that I should turn it into a positive opportunity to see how we can go about meaningful feedback/change things up to suit our new team dynamics a bit better.