Running on empty

[schratching]

Sometimes I feel like a shell. I work full time and have twins.

My husband works shifts and often on the weekend so I'm either at work or I'm with the kids.

I never get to hear my own thoughts and explore my interests. I haven't had time to think about Christmas. I barely have enough time to clean the house.

What do I do about this? We can't afford for me to work part time.

How old are the children?
how flexible is your work? e.g is there chance of compressed hours or perhaps a slight reduction in your working week like an early finish one day?
how much family support do you have?
can you afford to outsource some of the domestic tasks?
how much free time does your husband have?

Will family have the kids occasionally ?
Can you join a gym with a crèche ?

Does your husband get time off during the week without the kids?

Yes he does. He's changing his job so he'll be usual 9-5 but I'm so tired of it now.

Feel like a rubbish mum looking at all the Christmas stuff I haven't had a chance to do yet.

I'm also doing a qualification through work.

Hi OP,

I totally understand. I'm also mum of twins and work FT & it is exhausting. My DP doesn't work FT which helps as he keeps house in an orderly fashion else I would have got a cleaner / additional help.

Having twins is hard. I don't have other kids but I swear there is a different need fromDTs than from 'just' having 2 kids. Ours are always in competition for one-to-one attention even though they get time alone with each parent every week. And they are 9 now. It was so much harder when they were smaller.

How old ate your DTs? Do you have any local help/support? When mine were small I had GPa take them for a day a week regardless of whether I was working as it would just give a few hours to catch up on anything. Is that possible for you?

Sorry I can't help more - but I do empathise. I wish someone had told me just how hard having twins was as I felt a bit of a failure when they were small and just couldn't admit to others how hard and draining it was.

Can you find a new job that's more flexible?

What does your husband do in his childfree time off in the week?
what bits of Christmas is he responsible for sorting out?

My job is flexible but my husband's job isn't. I have flexible working hours but the hours are still there.

Its shit OP- I've got 2 kids and my DH works nights and weekends. I ended up getting a more local job with 2 days wfh. They are 5 & 8 now but I honestly dont know how I managed when they were small, lockdown was awful. My piece of advice is look at his shift pattern and book in time together and time for yourself in advance.

@claracluck1978 thank you for taking the time to reply. Nice to know we're not alone and it's comforting to know that it gets easier.

I haven't had anything done for Christmas. If we had the time, we wouldn't have the money. And I don't want to squander our hard earned cash on crap. I'd rather not be an empty shell.

I feel this way often. I find it impossible to switch off and really struggle with lack of time to myself. How old are the children? Our fourth dc was a ridiculously high needs baby and has continued to be full on now she’s nearly 4. Combine that with covid etc and I feel beaten down in way I never did before even when we had 3 dc, one with additional needs. I am very fortunate that DH does make it easy to take a day to myself most weekends, but because of the type of job I do I mostly spend that time working. My choice entirely I understand. I’ve just had 4 days away by myself and if there’s any possibility at all of you being able to take a real break away by yourself than grab it with both hands. It was ridiculously cheap for me as it was off season so I ended up in a beautiful forest in a gorgeous lodge all by myself for an absolute steal. I cannot tell you how freeing it was to have a few days where no one needed anything from me. It did also make me realise that I have a real problem with switching off. I should have been relaxing in the tub, watching tv and feeling no pressure, but I felt driven to get up and out each day. I think that’s linked to anxiety in my case, the profile of high functioning anxiety fits me to a tee. Having young dc can feel relentless in a way that’s hard to describe. Some people love it. I did with my younger dc, even though things were hard in other ways. With my youngest I have no space, I have a job to work around and a house to keep. I feel extraordinarily guilty feeling I should be enjoying these years when it feels I’m merely surviving them. I should say DH works in a very heavily female environment and they were scandalised that I went away on his week off, as was his mum. Meh. He was fine with it, as any good man should be. I was at the end of my rope. Obviously it’s not feasible to just bugger off on holiday every time you need a break but there comes a point where your needs have to be recognised and prioritised, however small you start that off. It’s altogether too common for a woman to feel merely the facilitator of other people’s lives. Your wants and needs matter too x

That sounds really tough. Is the qualification that you’re working on essential for your job or is it something that’s optional? If the latter, then maybe put that on the back burner until your twins are older?
You don’t say how old your twins are, but if they are pre school then I think you can get away with doing the bare minimum for Christmas, they won’t care if the house isn’t decorated to the nth degree, as long as they have a few presents to unwrap. If you’re not entertaining family or friends over Christmas then just try and do something low key for Christmas dinner.
I really feel for you, it must be so exhausting. ☹️Good luck.

If he is moving to a 9-5 that should help, make sure you discuss and set expectations early though so you actually get some down time and more support. If I didn't have time to myself I would legitimately not be able to cope. Also christmas don't worry lots of us are in the same boat, how old are they? If they're young I just used to wrap stuff like clothes id bought anyway and a few toys nothing major as they have no clue whats going on!

Qualification is essential.

Hey Op I hear you. I have twins and an older one. When they were babies/toddlers I was either at work or with them, it felt like I never had a moment to myself. My husband and I made a big point of each having the three kids sometimes to give the other a break, but the break would just be spent passed out on the sofa or doing laundry etc… it’s such, such hard work.
it DOES get so much easier though. Mine are all in school now and it’s made such a difference. Yeah life is still busy with work/clubs etc but they’re a bit more independent (for example they’re all watching the grinch now and I’m lazing around with a coffee). Those early years are HARD. Hang in there!

Twins are 4.

IS there a chance your husband could do more to give you a break? It feels like you are avoiding answering that.

tellingly your first post was:

I feel like a shell
I'm either at work or with the kids
I never get to hear my own thoughts or explore my own interests
I haven't had time to think about christmas
I barely have time to clean the house
what do I do about this
WE can't afford for me to go part time.

does your husband feel like a shell?
is your husband only ever at work or with the kids?
does he have time to himself and explores his own interests?
what is he doing to help sort Christmas out?
what share of the housework is he doing?

i hope HE isn't benefitting from your full time wage and also expecting you to do the lions share of everything else as well as if you were a part time/ SAHM?

He does his share. We are both knackered. His working conditions are difficult too, hence the move. It's just things are tough out there at the moment. No wonder people are striking etc. It's too much. Don't feel like celebrating christmas either. We're not depressed, we're just tired.