Should I consider new job 9 months into current one and in the middle of fertility treatment?

[giraffesauce]

Apologies if this is going to be a bit long but I need to explain the context.

TL;DR: I have been approached about a very exciting role with massive salary bump, but I'm quite cosy in my current one while I struggle with loss, grief and fertility treatment and don't know what to do.

I'm 35F, married, been dealing with infertility for 3 years and have been doing IVF for 2.

June 2021 I started a new job with big salary/title bump, very excited. It turned out to be absolutely terrible (super toxic environment) and I left after 8 months. In that period I had an IVF pregnancy followed by a miscarriage, and by the time I left the job I was pregnant again.

Started new (current) job March 2022. Suffered a second (and very traumatic) 2nd trimester loss on my first week at the new company. I had several PP symptoms and was a shell of a human for months. My manager and the rest of the leadership have been incredibly empathetic and supportive. I enjoy this job, I'm learning new skills and I'm going to start building a team soon. The people are lovely. The pace/hours are totally manageable, which has been a massive help in this difficult year. Salary is good. As with any company, it has its flaws. I have recently done another round of IVF with a view of trying to implant one of the embryos in Feb 2023.

A week ago I was approached by a recruiter about a new role. Had a chat with her and then one with the HR person at the hiring company. They seem to think I am a great fit and asked if I'm keen to progress the conversation.

A bit about this role:

• New venture launching in UK soon backed by massive investment by multinational company which owns the venture
• Director role with view to build a team
• Very sexy and innovative product/brand
• At least 50% salary bump + excellent benefits
• Leadership team with very strong credentials

I am SO conflicted about what to do. IF they offered me the job I will have been in my current role 1 year, after leaving the previous one after 8 months. I'm concerned this might not be a good look and also that I'm quitting jobs before having built anything solid each time. I also worry if this role would be compatible with a pregnancy (I was very sick both times) or potentially with more loss and more fertility treatments. The last year has been brutal and I don't know if I have it in me to start all over again, prove myself, etc. I feel settled in my current role, having earned the trust of my colleagues, and having the flexibility to finish early or take time off when I don't feel great. But it's a really exciting opportunity and the salary bump is so attractive.

I guess I'm just looking for external perspectives What would you do?

You don't lose anything by talking further to them, and try to understand their company culture. If they do offer you a role, and if you get pregnant, would you have a plan how to make it work (for example could your partner stay home, a nanny, family help?). I turned down a job because I got pregnant during the interview process, only to have a miscarriage.

You only live once.

Sorry about your fertility struggles.

The last year has been brutal and I don't know if I have it in me to start all over again, prove myself, etc. I feel settled in my current role, having earned the trust of my colleagues, and having the flexibility to finish early or take time off when I don't feel great.

This is the part that stands out to me and would sway me. That's a lot to throw away on the basis of FOMO.

Which path supports the reality of the life you are living and will be living?

So it’s a start-up? No way would I leave for that. Stay put.

Personally given your circumstances right now and the fact that you’re trying to start a family, it isn’t the right time for you to be moving jobs. You could be appointed in that role and a couple of weeks later fall pregnant and soon be it you will be going off on maternity.
Also, you may have a different mindset after your DC has been born and you want a more flexible role. You’re happy where you are, I would stay there for now. Money isn’t everything. Your time will come.

Yes it's a start up, but it's being started and funded by its parent company, a large US multinational (S&P 500) in a high growth sector. So it's not a lone venture.

My current job is in a similar set up. Start up that was acquired by a large corporation.

Yes, I think I'm going to go through with the interviews so I can ask questions about the company culture, family policies etc.

I'm so sorry about your loss. It must have felt even more cruel knowing you had just turned down a job for it. Seeing how things have been going for me I'm super wary of turning down an amazing opportunity for a pregnancy/baby that isn't even here yet. But I'm also kind of exhausted by all the recent events so I really don't know what the right thing to do is.

I'd value the supportive team when going through fertility treatments.

Such a good question. I guess my struggle comes from the constant uncertainty I keep finding myself in
If I knew my reality was "no baby" I would probably just take the plunge and go for it.
If I knew for sure I was going to have a baby soon I might decide to slow down and stay in my comfort zone. BUT I am a very driven individual and so I also tell myself that (if the employer is supportive enough) I can do it all if I want to, or at least I can try.

Go for it.

People move jobs far more often these days. It's not the issue it was pre pandemic

I’d probably stay - I do think the supportive team and flexibility will continue to be a positive thing for your ongoing IVF. Starting a new job is always stressful and unpredictable.

Given the support of your current employer, as well as how manageable the hours are, how you fit with the team, I'd be staying put because you are planning to conceive soon. I would not be jumping ship at this point, I would if I was unhappy but I'd say no this is not the right time, and especially moving to a start up where hours are likely to be pretty hectic.

So I guess then that the one certainty about your medium term future (when you'd be making the transition into this new role, proving yourself, building relationships etc) is that you will be dealing with significant uncertainty?

To me, what you have in your current role would be incredibly valuable in navigating that uncertainty. Established relationships and trust at work make such a huge difference in difficult personal times.

Even if you ultimately decide that now is not the right time for this particular opportunity, it doesn't mean that there won't be other opportunities in future. Don't lose sight of that.

I just wanted to say that after also going through 3 years of fertility treatment, I have learned not to put ANYTHING on hold because of fertility treatment/ potential pregnancy.

If you do get pregnant you will deal with that as and when - you have to go for the opportunities that are right for you.

So my advice would be, try not to let fertility/ pregnancy factor into your decision.

If I knew my reality was "no baby" I would probably just take the plunge and go for it.

On this basis, I think you should go for it.

I have not gone for jobs/ courses because I keep thinking 'but soon I'll be pregnant' - three years later I'm still not and I have missed some opportunities.

I hope it does happen for you soon but you can't base life decisions on something that is so uncertain.