Subtle Patronising colleague

[NotBasically]

I am getting very frustrated with a particular (male) colleague. His patronising actions are getting to me but he does it so subtly that is difficult for anyone else to see it. For example the manager asked me to give a presentation and he told me we should do it together so it's not too much for me to do alone (it isn't). Every time I speak he talks over me because he has years of experience and will list his cv to me (we are the same age, I have the same experience as he does, slightly different part of the industry). Latest was manager asking me to compile some information (that is MY expertise) and to send it to him. Annoying colleague replies to everyone saying he's happy to help (I don't need/asked for his help). I'm at loss at what to do. To an outsider it looks like he is a great colleague just wanting to help but in reality he's using these situations as opportunities to show how fucking amazing he is whist trying to make look as if I need help. How can I respond without saying fuck off to his face?

I'd tell him if you need help you are capable are asking for it. Also offer back to him and see what he does.

I had a colleague like that. I sat him down in an office and explained that his behaviour looked like he was trying to undermine me, and I wanted to know if that was the case.

He stopped.

These people only understand very straight talk.

That sounds frustrating.

Can you start doing the same back? Everytime he's asked to do something, offer to help?

Sometimes women can be less confident about shouting about their experience/achievements than men, is this a factor here perhaps?

Being visible in the workplace can help.

Good luck

I’ve had to do similar in the past. Took him into a meeting room and called him out on it.

He stopped the behaviour too.

Me too and this also worked for me.

There’s a lovely mansplaining chart on the internet. Print it off and put it your desk.

Make it very big. Explain it to everyone.

Please do not do this unless you want a written warning or a dismissal.

Do what WonkyFeelings said and keep a record of it. Be brief, factual and unemotional.

HR will want to know you raised the issue first, before escalating to them.

I would use the shine a light on it technique. In the short term it makes things tense but in the long run it helps.

You say ''Regina, I feel like you're trying to undermine my capabilities, is that your intention?''

(ie, you just shine a spotlight on the elephant in the room)

Then they (hopefully) say 'oh gosh no no no I just felt like I could help you and you're reading too much in to it blah blah''

You have to resist the temptation to get drawn in and merely respond to their denial of the ''charge'' you laid out to them.

You have to say ''I'm so glad that's not your intention''.

Whatever else they say, that you're sensitive, that you're ungrateful for their experience etc, do not respond to that

The idea is that this simple exchange alerts them subconsciously to the fact that you have more backbone than they thought and that you can handle conflict better than they thought.

That's why it's super important to smilingly say ''I'm so glad that's not your intention!'' with an aura of it's all good in the hood even if you want to kill them. Smile.

Brilliant advice. Saving this myself!

Ugh sorry for the big quote

I have a colleague like this. She loves to talk extra slowly to me as if I’m completely stupid. I love the advice above though and will be trying it first chance I get!

I know he's not your actual carer. I was trying to get you to see how he may be feeling. You are all wrapped up in your own view of the world. Typical patient personality.