Recovering from bullying boss

[tiredMum45]

Long story but basically my boss bullied me out of the company - deliberately overworked me etc and I got burnout collapsed and quit

There's an internal investigation going on but the business area (aka my boss) have said they're no let having me back (won't let me rescind)

The union are supporting me (solicitor costa a fortune). Logically I don't want to go back but I'm having to support the investigation

I've been offered other roles from jan but can't get over the feeling of being wronged, forced out, no one apologising

Union may help try and get a settlement off HR but otherwise will be a tribunal

I'm still unwell, very fatigued and having heart tests. I can't seem to move on from Joe horribly I've been treated

I was literally cancelled (exited while off sick without saying goodbye). I'm lonely and not well. It's been 2 months.

Anyone been in similar situation how do I psychologically recover quickly ? Thanks

@tiredMum45 sorry to hear you have been through this 💐 I have recently been through a similar situation with a horrible bullying boss, but was lucky and moved to another role within the organisation (albeit a grade lower and small salary cut).
Do you want to talk about what's happened? You're welcome to search my posts for info about what I went through. I still have residual panic if my Teams turns yellow, and have had nightmares. But it does get better, I'm being v gentle with myself; getting extra sleep, talking to friends/partner and generally trying to look after myself. Have you thought about counselling?
My Union was very helpful, and although I didn't raise a grievance I have since been told others are going to. Other staff were supportive but it was frustrating, as soon as I handed my notice in several staff said they had been through the same thing. Has anyone else been in the same position at your company?
Hope you're okay

Thanks @HairBow I'll have a read

The company has private healthcare and I've managed to get 20 sessions with a burnout coach

The thing is it was all preventable (which is so annoying) I was forced to cover thinfs I said no to etc so it's a bit like I don't think I am to blame , like it was set up, I was fine 6m earlier. But I'm sure other aspects be useful

Yeh irs the trigger stuff I'm worried about. Hoping for a male boss next to 'break the memory link' with triggers

Sad you had to take a pay cut. Hope you're alright

With my union hat on, I'd say fight and fight and fight. I did, and my union (UNITE) were brilliant. And I won, in that I got a shiny new role with a shiny nice new boss, and so I agreed to that.

BUT the old boss got away with it. She said sorry to her boss, but not to me. Tbf I'd never have believedd her anyway. And it was a sorry for the misunderstanding (mutual apparently!). Not for what she did to me. Nor for what she did to others in the past. Not for what she'll do to others in the future. You see, she's a bully. She's also not remotely good at her job. But she's popular with higher managers because she's great at appearing good and few people have called her out on it. The reason she hated me because I did.

So please believe me. Even if you go to a tribunal, and if you win it, or if you get a settlement, you will still be angry, you will still feel wronged, and whatever justice you think exists won't happen.

I may be wrong, I hope I am, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you want an apology, vindication or whatever, there is nothing in the world that will get it for you. You will possibly end up bitter, unable to move past it, and unemployed. None of those are great prospects.

And that is also what nearly every single member I have supported has said too. Many wouldn't do it again even it they won. I would, but only because I have no capacity to be a doormat - and I've wished I did at times!

Don't look for justice. Order your priorities practically - you almost certainly need a job and wage. That's what you need first, and if that's another job on the same terms with another manager, be careful not to let your pain or anger get in the way of being sensible. Your revenge is your escape, the fact that the manager knows you beat them, and so does everyone else. You showed everyone you'd fight back. And they'll think three times before trying it on you again.

Tribunals are dodgy. Most people lose. And remember that they don't exactly recommend you to other employers. Be careful what you wish for. Even if you get it, it may not look like what you expected. Tribunals should be last resorts. So should settlement agreements. Because unless they come with a job, they may not be what you wanted.

Great advice given by Queveas. I agree, don’t invest emotional energy in waiting for an apology because you won’t get one.

In my case I ended up taking a settlement, which was the right thing for me, because my bully was senior and I couldn’t have avoided them if I’d stayed in the organisation. Just seeing them was incredibly triggering. So think about what matters most to you. Unless your HR people are useless they will normally agree to a settlement to avoid tribunal. You don’t have to disclose a settlement to future employers.

Whatever you decide, remember to be kind to yourself. Focus on things you can control, that will be more empowering than dwelling in the past, or hoping that other people will do the right thing. Consider counselling if you haven’t already. Try to be objective, think about the advice you would give a friend in your situation and take it!