Colleague wants me to be 'vulnerable'

[plumsandcustard]

I'm a fairly new manager (just under a year), got promoted to managing someone who used to be on the same level as me. As background, the dynamics have been a bit tricky, I don't think she likes being managed by me, I am also younger than her. She has been somewhat challenging in the transition.

Every time I have her supervision she is massively emotional and vents a lot about her workload etc (which is OK, some people need that space and I'm happy to hold that for her), but she will regularly say things like 'I know our job roles have changed a bit, but it's OK for you to be vulnerable sometimes you know'.

I do have a lot going on personally and she knows some of it, I wish she didn't know, but as we used to be on the same level I shared that I was going through infertility etc.

I don't feel comfortable talking about that with her now as her manager and have put up boundaries. I actually feel quite patronised by her sometimes. She seems to want to be my counsellor or something and I think it's inappropriate. I'm meant to be supervising her, not the other way around (and I don't want it to be the other way around!)

What would you do and how would you respond to someone you manage asking you to be 'vulnerable' with them?!

I'd probably just thank her for her concern and say her supervision is her time, then redirect the conversation to her. If she continues, I'd address it more directly.

I would say ‘thank you, I appreciate it’ then ignore it completely.

Yuck I would hate that. I used to have someone working for me who was obsessed with everyone's need to be 'vulnerable'.

I think you can thank her for her concern but say you feel more comfortable keeping things a bit less personal now. You might not be able to avoid pissing her off but sometimes you have to do that to firm up the boundaries.

You are supervising her so even if she's pushing against that you are quite entitled to keep it professional.

I think if you used to be more “vulnerable” it may feel like you’re clinging to an artificial hierarchy and being too formal. If you’re supervising her you can’t be that much more senior, she possibly thinks you’re an inexperienced line manager over thinking the need to recalibrate your relationship.

But I speak as someone who’s line manager doesn’t hold back at all from sharing personal troubles. Tbh it’s useful, we’re all working to the same goals and I need to know when and how to support her as much as she supports me.

That's her choice though @Softleftpowerstance would you be pushing her to do that if she wasn't?

I think this is good advice.

It sounds like she's struggling with your relationship changing. But that's her issue, not yours. You are her supervisor, like it or not, and you don't need to be 'vulnerable' with her if you don't want to.

I'd just politely shut it down and move the conversation on.

I would change the subject every time.

That's the thing @Softleftpowerstance she pushes this when I clearly haven't taken her up on it and don't want it. I've known her for several years so yeah in that time I've occasionally shared some personal stuff - partly because I feel like she has such a strong need to know it in order to feel a connection with me. But if/ when I do share anything, it's at my initiation and my choice. It won't be because she's telling me I need to be vulnerable.

It's like she can't just be a colleague, she has to also be a personal support to people - whereas I think it's nice if that develops naturally but you can't force it?

She does it to other colleagues too - our administrator has complained to me about how intense she is. She is just emotionally very full on and wants to know what is going on for everyone else so she can be there for them, and is always saying how important it is to share (and then gets quite upset when she feels people aren't sharing).

My current strategy is pretty much as suggested - 'thanks, I appreciate it' and ignore, but it keeps coming up 😒

This.

Sounds like she's trying to stay on equal terms. You aren't comfortable with that but no need to offend her so just say thanks, and move on.

Thanks @MintJulia that's more or less what I do, just getting a bit exhausted of her bringing it up all the time. It's emotionally intense enough listening to her rants let alone thinking about adding my issues to the equation!
I might need to be a bit more direct but not sure how.

I don't know, I worked with a woman that pushed for this and then used her info to bully and gossip about me so now I am very wary of these oversharing /be vulnerable' types.

You are not obliged to share personal info with her op.

I often wonder whatever happened to the work/life boundary. Everywhere I wok now it's like they have all watched too many reality shows and 'need' to know your sob story or tale of woe. Erm, no, you get the work version of me and superficial personal stuff.

Can anyone else supervise her op or would that be awkward?

@MrsOgmorePritchard Ugh, that sound horrible - sorry to hear your experience! I don't worry too much about that, I think she does genuinely care about me, but I just want her to back off a bit and see that we can have a proffesional relationship without having to gush our hearts out to each other every time we meet.

I have plenty of friends and support in my personal life so I have just never been someone who seeks this out from colleagues, especially not colleagues I manage/ supervise.

I'd love someone else to do her supervisions, but not really an option unfortunately.

Sorry to sound like a right old pain -
But -She sounds as though she needs some honest feedback about how she is coming across.
It's not appropriate in a formal work situation - I would absolutely hate it.
How much time is all this talking to colleagues taking up?
Add it all up over a week and see what the figure is.
Not a very productive use of time.
She's not paid to do this role is she?
She has her own work responsibilities that she's paid to undertake, like everyone else.

What about the right to privacy?

It sounds as if she's making others feel uncomfortable and her own needs to "counsel" or whatever are dominating and (adversely) impacting on how she spends some of her time.
Not on.