Dealing with upsetting people you manage

[Junebughustle]

I've managed teams and people for several years with no real incident - I've maintained great relationships with people I've worked with.

I started a new job at a charity 3 months ago as a senior leader - definitely a step up for me. I am smashing important parts of the role but one of the teams that I'm managing is proving to be a real challenge - it's made up of very junior staff, mostly in their very early 20's, on temporary contracts. For reasons beyond my control, their wages are quite low and I can't guarantee that I can extend their contracts beyond what I've already agreed with them. They've had these conversations with my predecessor and HR about the fact that fixed term contracts are just that - fixed term contracts.

No matter how much I relay the facts and policies we are bound by, and support them with their applications and even interview prep for other, better paid permanent roles, one of them has taken to making pointed remarks about the instability in her role in a really hostile manner in team meetings - over things I have already explained.

I addressed her behaviour today and told her we need to talk about how she expresses her frustration. She ended up crying and going to bitch about me to her colleague.

Honestly I'm annoyed at myself for not being a supportive leader - clearly I am doing something wrong - I inherited a busy and understaffed team and I began work during the most tumultuous time in our sector so I've not been able to provide as much one to one support as I would like. I feel so rubbish for making someone feel so upset even though I just don't understand what she expects me to do :(

I am generally a people pleaser and over explainer to a fault so this feels like failure all around to me. I would really appreciate some perspectives from what I've laid out here even if it's just to point out it's all my fault.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I manage around 60ish people (line managers in between) but there are times when you just have to say it how it is.

It is inappropriate and unprofessional of your team member to make such remarks to colleagues and disrespectful to you as a senior about the terms of their employment, especially as this has been discussed on more than one occasion. This will damage morale with other team members.

I would call them in (again) and say this will be the last you speak on the matter before it becomes official. The terms of employment are that the FTC comes to an end on x date. These are the terms that were agreed upon and you regretfully cannot offer a permanent contract, but nonetheless, these are the terms that the position was offered and agreed.

You appreciate their disappointment in not being offered a permanent position, however you cannot accept their negative influence over the rest of the team

Additional question - if you do tend to struggle with upsetting people and not being liked in general - how do you 'leave work at work' if you manage people? This happened hours ago and I'm still ruminating about it and feeling crap and like I don't deserve my job - which even I recognise is an overreaction to this situation.

Short answer - shut it down with the same response every single time she says something. "Yes Jocasta, it's still the same job you applied for".

People we find hard to work with/manage often trigger us for a reason - I struggle with colleagues who constantly complain, for example, because it reminds me of dealing with a relative - so sometimes we can snap into an old feeling or way of dealing with a situation because we've done it before when it's not really relevant to the current issue.

I wouldn't say you were wrong to pull her up about mentioning it in a meeting, no-one likes a me-railer! You're probably not the only one she's annoying and she needs to keep focused on the matter in hand and not using it as a way of airing her issue about her contract. She was happy to accept the contract when it was offered so complaining about the terms now makes her look daft!

Try to avoid lengthy explanations or any attempts to 'fix' things - you need to find a short phrase that you repeat every time she brings the same matter up.

Thanks @cleanbreak2022 and @ChicCroissant. I'm probably going to practice these things all weekend!

It really is so mortifying having your authority so undermined when you've really tried.

For a start you need to toughen up and stop being a people pleaser, you'll never please everyone. Tbh you're onto a loser here, you won't change how they feel because you can't, it's beyond your control. The ONLY thing that will make them happy is having a pay increase and stability in the role and you can't give that. All you can do is manage the behaviour, pull her up on it every time, use your disciplinary procedures and dismiss if it continues. Highlight the actions you're having to take, the time and effort in managing poor performance, the higher turnover and recruitment costs and make your business case for changing work contracts.

@Junebughustle having your authority questioned in a group/meeting session in unacceptable (in my book anyway). I'm denial, under 40, and 80% of my staff are men. I had to develop thick skin and balls of steel. I might be trembling doing something but I'm fearless on the outside. I hate I have to act like that but I do.
Recently I was pitching an idea to the staff so I could close the business over Xmas, one of the guys said 'not interested I hope to not be here by then' so rightly or wrongly, I pointed to the door, asked someone to check it wasn't broken and told him he's welcome to leave there and then. He didn't, but one thing I do know is, the other team members no I will call it out and I'm not afraid to.

Busy and understaffed team with poor wages and no stability? I mean that doesn’t sound like a job that will attract happy and hardworking employees - it will attract people who are desperate/can’t get anything better, and they’ll build resentment and stress when they get more and more piled on them for absolutely no return.

Is it always like this? I wouldn’t want to work in that environment. Do you enjoy it?

@cleanbreak2022 that's amazing ans absolutely what I'd like to aspire to!

@Kanaloa I agree - my department isn't the only one facing these challenges. It's a sector that's known for not being well paid until you hit middle management, but being rewarding in other ways. I actually did a role like hers (but permanent) for a few years before building resentment myself until I got promoted.

What the sector does do is give people amazing experience at the early stages of their career, who then go on to get much better, highly paid jobs as their next step. Apart from these issues I do enjoy it. I've worked in a few other sectors and nothing pushes me or makes me feel as engaged like it - but that's easy for me to say when I'm working at a higher band and getting a salary I can get by on.

@RFPO77 I know. Hoping to work on my resilience!

It is not so much that you upset her but that she undermined your authority in a team meeting. And when you rightly called her out on it (I assume in private), she went to bitch about it.

Unfair as it is, you cannot do anything about her terms. I feel you are supportive enough and already going above and beyond to set your staff up for the next stage of their career. Therefore, when a team member upsets the dynamic, I would be inclined to see how long left she had and if possible, if she continues to be a disruptive force, see if there are ways to start the warning process so that she can be nudged to leave early. I would consult HR, if there is one, before you start these moves.

This is you being a no-nonsense manager and giving ample notice and warning about her behaviour. Your job is to make these hard decisions and that is why you are paid for it. How she takes it is up to her but the team need to see you are in control. If necessary, she is an example otherwise you can end up with a mutiny. She will complain about being 'managed' but yeah, what does she expect?

Thanks @blueshoes - I feel a lot more confident after sleeping on it and receiving reinforcement on this thread.

Being no nonsense is something I wanted to work on being when I started this role but things were more hectic than I expected meaning I fell into my habits of being fluffy and people pleasing rather than pragmatic. Going to put a plan of action and get my head in place over the weekend!