Childcare when baby / child is sick

[Tofupudding]

What do people do when their baby / kids are sick?

I work from home 4 days a week. Long story short, my manager told me yesterday that I need to find a solution for my 15m toddler who is sick second time in 3 weeks (D&V for over a week first time and this time high fever also almost a week). He started nursery in early September (when I returned to work).

I found it really upsetting because despite him being ill and crying downstairs with my parents / partner, I still worked 2 days this week because I felt bad about some urgent meetings that I was chairing. And what I got in return was for my manager to tell me that I need to find a solution because he clearly will be sick again and she said "it's hard for me and the team to have to keep picking up work" (her words)

I mean, am I missing a trick here?? When your kid is sick and young, who else is supposed to take care of them??? My parents can help but they're old with chronic illness and I feel bad they're catching cold and flu from my kids, my partner also needs to work too. And whilst my partner and parents try to help, my toddler just won't stop crying unless I tend to him and breastfeed him. My manager suggested that when her son was young she got around this by hiring a nanny instead, whilst she has that kind of money, I don't! In all my working life and in this organisation (NHS) I've never had any other managers telling me anything like this, my previous managers have always been just sympathetic when my other child gets sick I just don't know what is going on here!

I'm genuinely interested in what people do about work when their kids are sick, please tell me!

I think childminders are likely to be more flexible with a child who might be snotty but well in themselves, than a nursery but I doubt one exists that will just take your child when they’re sick.

I live in London and there’s a couple of agencies that do emergency nannies for this sort of thing but they’re £££.

Glad your DH is sharing the responsibility with you, lots don’t.

You take special leave to look after them. That's how it works at my workplace anyway. What else are you supposed to do? What if you didn't have any family to help out? No nursery or childminder is going to take a sick child. Your boss sounds like a twat. There must be policies at your workplace for this sort of thing. I would be getting clued up on it all.

I’ve never heard of any such childminders- they’ll have other kids to consider. Can try a babysitting agency maybe.
it really does suck OP, at least you have your parents.

I'm senior NHS. Your manager sounds harsh. Childminders who take sick kids aren't a thing. You share it with your partner 50/50. After you've exhausted dependents leave, you request to take annual leave. Or unpaid leave.

Some nurseries have different thresholds for allowing sick kids in. If yours is calling you for every minor illness then find a new one. Childminders can be better for this.

This is a phase and it will improve so don't quit. Does your manager have kids? If so, ask them how they would approach the situation. If you wfh can you catch up your work after hours?

My nursery is fine with a snotty child even with bad coughs but the problem is my son has been having high fever - I'm not deliberately keeping him off just for a snotty nose. He was also vomiting everyday for a week in which case I also can't send him back in.

My parents can help but as mentioned they have chronic illness and currently have lots of appointments to check their health, I can't really risk asking them every time fearing they will catch my son's sickness.

The role of work I do - it isn't shared with my team, so the most they can do in my absence is to tell anyone asking that I'm not at work. Which is why I turned up to the workshops and meetings that were urgent that I was chairing. The next day I took the day off to care for my son when I know the meeting I was going to, my manager was supposed to be going and chairing anyway. And good thing I took that day off because my GP ended up send my son to A&E with an ambulance.

I have visited other childminders but I'm not aware any would take a child with fever and D&V.

I guess yes, in expected to work, and yes my manager has every right to have that conversation with me. I guess it was the way she said things and when she said it - when my son was still have fever and crying didn't help.

We have five days emergency carer leave ... so the first day of an illness essentially. Anything after that we're expected to find alternative childcare from relatives (we have none) or to use our annual leave (we have to do this). Between the two of us we can cover the first two days of an illness... we just each claim that he's only just become unwell and have a day off each. We alternate afterwards so we both usually end up using 1 day annual leave, max 2 days, for a week of illness.

@YellowHpok it's good to hear from a view from another NHS manager. So I've always left early from work (30 mins) and log back in in the evening due to my older child who is autistic and attend school 35 mins away from home. Before this baby, my previous managers had never had any problems with that. They've always said they don't care as long as work gets done and I've never had any performance issues. I've had this be manager since coming back from maternity leave, she never once asked me about my family circumstances, on my first day back and meeting with her she launched straight into what needs to be done about my projects etc, nothing was asked about my personal life so I guess that was perhaps because she felt she had a good handover from her predecessor so I left it at that. Then one day she said I must write to formally request to leave half an hour early and log back on in the evening - I thought it was weird so I did.

Last time when my son was having d&v for a week, I tried to work whenever, she told me to just take special leave, so I did ever since. Then on Friday she had conversation with me about how I should find alternative ways to deal with him being sick. She said "you do realise you don't get paid taking special leaves".

I don't know, maybe all my managers previously have been too nice about me taking absence, I just never have had anyone telling me to take special leaves and then to tell me I'm taking too much leaves.

I also know this is just a phase, my first child was also sick a lot when she first started nursery but it got better. But I just don't think my manager is willing to let me see through this phase.

I'm a Registered Childminder who used to work in HR. I can say with confidence that the Childminder community don't accept ill children - unless we're talking minor ailments. They have the same duty as nurseries to minimise the spread of infection (EYFS statutory obligation) so will for example send a child home if they have a temperature, d&v, rash, or if they are unable to join in with usual activities because they are too unwell to participate (amongst other reasons). Also, Childminders often find that they pick up children's illnesses and then have to close until they are better (I have 3 children and once had to close for nearly 2 weeks as we all got a mindees d&v bug one after the other, even though I sent the child home quickly). So if you did decide to change to a Childminder then ask for their sickness policy.

From an HR perspective your only real option aside from sharing the period of illness with other people is dependents leave www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants. It's a statutory entitlement and seperate to the "special leave" that your Manager is referring to. Time off for dependents is not capped. My mum used to work for the NHS and said that it was listed separately in their policies. Although time off for dependents isn't capped, it's to be used in the event of an emergency and time off is meant to be considered "reasonable". When I was in HR about 8 years ago I think it was worded as as if reasonable was a couple of days. This seems more vague now. So then you move onto unpaid leave or holiday. Your work can talk to you if they feel that dependents

I think part of the issue here is not having an understanding manager and certainly one who had the luxury of having a nanny!

In my former life when my eldest was in nursery we'd split the illness between myself and my husband and various family members. It's much harder when you don't have that.

I would suggest you document in detail all of your time off for any reason, keep everything in writing and save your emails (to USB as well). Perhaps a separate conversation is needed with your Manager explaining that you have to share illness with your partner and that is your solution. Offer to use annual leave or take unpaid but that you don't have any other options. Explain that you're not just taking time off if they have a sniffle but if they have been excluded from childcare because no one will accept them.

Oh I remember these days well, the frustration at the seemingly neverending sickness. Then it's even worse when you catch it yourself and have to take care of an ill child and yourself.
It will feel really tough now but it does improve once your child's immune system gets used to it and they won't catch every single bug in circulation. For now you I think you just have to share childcare with your partner as best you can.

OP there is no answer to this. I’ve never known anyone use an emergency nanny (probably as I don’t socialise with millionaires), but even if they exist and you have the money, most sick children wouldn’t cope well being dumped with an adult they’ve never previously met.

you split the duty with your partner (which you do, actually sounds like he is doing the lions share), you ask relatives (which you have), or you just can’t go in. This may need to be taken as unpaid or your contract may allow a certain number of paid days, or you may be able to make time later eg in the evening. But I think your manager was being unfair really as sometimes there’s nothing you can do.

mum guilt is the worst 🙁either you feel guilty that you are letting work down, or that your partner is letting work down, or that your child is being left with someone they don’t know when they’re ill or that you’re sending them to nursery not very well. You cannot win. This is one of my major stresses in parenting.

Or take annual leave

@MaverickSnoopy thank you that is very helpful

If you're taking special leave does she mean you should be using annual leave?

We have no family nearby, and if they're too sick for nursery I wouldn't be leaving them with an emergency nanny or childminder they didn't know well.

@modgepodge yes, mum guilt is worst... I guess I was feeling a bit emotional about it all anyway because there I was trying my best to work whilst my baby was having fever and crying and my parents clearly couldn't comfort him and then my manager telling me I'm taking too many leaves. I can't win no matter what I do. I feel like it's either my kids or my job.

@JenniferBarkley I don't know what she meant, she just asked me to think of a way going forward because he'll get sick again. She asked me to consider a nanny or put him in childminder instead. I haven't got that kind of money for a nanny and I don't see how things would be different with a childminder.

I'm happy to take whatever leave but it won't stop her from feeling I'm making things hard for her.

For a tummy bug nobody but you or your partner should be looking after him - it's not fair to spread it to your parents or a nanny. If he will only take breastmilk when he is ill then that leave just you. You manager is horrible.

I used to take unpaid dependants leave when mine were sick. I had to keep annual leave and unpaid parental leave for school hols.