How would you manage me?

[SparklyFoot]

I'm in the second year after DH's death. As is often said, the second year is proving much harder.

To begin with everyone was incredibly supportive and I was proud of every little achievement. Having to do things I'd never done before made me feel accomplished.

Now I just feel exhausted with it all. Just getting through and doing the bare minimum takes everything I have. Routine tasks feel mamouth. And now my staff have started to complain about me. They all stepped up initilally, but are now complaining about me not pulling my weight. They're right, but I'm giving everything I have, there's nothing else to give.

I do understand, but this is against a background of previously haven gone over and above for years and having always supported career development and people having any kind of personal crisis, so it feel a bit like the knives are out when I'm down.

Anyway, my boss has called a performance review for Monday and it's not part of the normal cycle.

Should I be expecting a good telling off or for support to be put in for me/my staff? She's obviously aware that I'm facing my struggles, but I am reasonably good at putting on a brave face most of the time.

I would have a GP Appointment to discuss as to me you sound depressed (not qualified) - you may need counselling, AD's etc. Good luck

Firstly, my deepest sympathies SparklyFoot - I’m so sorry for your very great loss

If I were your manager I’d be putting some kind of support in place after discussion with you re what you might need. For example, we might look at adjustments to your hours, a temporary change to your role, flexible working, that kind of thing. I’d also suggest a referral to Occ Health for bereavement counselling, support for your MH etc. I would then look at a supported return to your full working role with a plan around what’s manageable in what timescale. I imagine a lot will depend on your workplace though.

Fellow young widow here.
It's very hard as people who haven't been there don't get why it's still hard after a year in my experience.
Performance reviews usually set tighter targets / clear goals, could you think about what you can feasibly achieve?

Also what support would help - for me it was reducing hours for 6 months,i also moved to a different workstream where the work was more routine /predictable.

I was "strongly advised" to use the employee counselling service although they were worse than useless.

How long did you have off initially, do you think being signed off again would help you? I took 9 months+ off but I would ideally probably have taken a year, it really does take a lot longer than people think.

And YY to speaking to your GP if you haven’t already.

Yes, my boss is very good a tries, but I can feel she's frustrated that it's taking me so long to get back to normal (I'm not sure I ever will tbh, different things are important now), but she's never lost anyone. Her parents are both still alive etc.

She'll say she knows she doesn't understand, but that doesn't change the fact she doesn't understand....

Maybe you need to stop putting on a brave face ?
I have a good friend at work who is in the third year since her husband died. She was only 40, though he was a a lot older. She is still struggling massively and had recently started counselling.
She was off work for about 6 months, had a phased return and then threw herself into work, probably doing too much. She started a bereavement network and in that respect is quite public about grief.
But to be honest I think its only me and one or two others who know the true extent to which she is still struggling. I think she needs to be a bit more open with her line manger but they don't get on very well.
I would hope that you arent in for a telling off, if I was your manager my starting point would be how can we help you to get through this. But there is only so long that other people will carry you and before performance is an issue.
I think if I were you I'd be in front, say you know things aren't great but you are still really struggling.
What do you think would help you? Do you need a bit of sick leave, work from home, take a step back from some things.
I think if you go in with the start of some solutions it will go better for you.
Good luck

I didn't take anywhere near that long, about 6 weeks and a phased return, although I did crash and burn in the run up to Christmas and had a few more weeks then. I'd had a lot of time while he was dying.

I suspect the prospect of another Christmas looming isn't helping me now. At the time I wanted to get back to normal. Now I could quite easily shut myself away for a year.

I also found the work counselling useless and tbh, think I was probably pushed towards it too early