Dread work meetings

[Hope24]

Hi All,

A little bit of a background - I have general anxiety, most specifically social anxiety, which I am having therapy for. We have briefly touched on this issue, but I don't see any improvement yet. My issue is that, I feel pretty useless in work meetings. Its like I know what I want to say and I say it perfectly in my head, but it all just comes out as nonsense. My mind goes completely blank and my voice starts to shake. I've been in my role for just under two years and my colleagues are lovely, so it's not job that is the issue. Tomorrow I have quite an important meeting with an external client, my manager will also be present, and I am already panicking that it's all going to go wrong. I hate feeling like this and feel it's stopping me from progressing in my career.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Could you rehearse the meeting? I think it helps.

What sort of format is the meeting?

In general, I think therapy for anxiety takes a long time to have an impact, and medication works much faster. It's probably too late now, but could you ask your GP for a beta blocker for things like this?

Hi op, will it be a face to face meeting or a virtual one? Can you quickly make notes (either on screen or on a paper pad) when they ask a question with the key words for your answer? Or can you write a quick page of buzzwords so if you're unable to get the right answer out then it'll jog your memory?

Can you afford private psychotherapy? Takes time but has worked wonders for me and it’s paid dividends for me in increasing how much I earn. It’s worth skipping a few holidays to pay for it as it’ll also make your life more restful if you can tackle the mental load that anxiety brings.

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. The meeting is via video call and it is liaising with an external client to discuss using their services. My manager would like me to lead the meeting to discuss pricing etc. I've spent most of the work day preparing for the meeting and yet I still feel like I'll go completely blank! This has happened to me before and I always tend to be very critical of my self and over analysing the situation. I've received good feedback previously, but it has been mentioned I need to speak up a little more (which didn't help to be honest).

I'm getting therapy through the NHS and although it started off good, I do feel like we are repeating the same thing in each session and not really exploring strategies to tackle the anxiety. Perhaps I just need to be a little more patient with it.

I've had a look at private psychotherapy too, but it's just too expensive and I can't afford this at the moment.

I will definitely ask my GP for beta blockers as I think this is something that may help.

In the short term would something like rescue remedy help? It might be a placebo but I've tried it in the past and it helps me calm down a little!

I'm exactly the same as you. I get horrendous anxiety in work meetings. It makes me feel so ashamed and like it's this big secret.

One thing that helps me is trying to speak as early as possible to break the ice and get my voice in practice. Even better is asking a question because it means the attention isn't on me. So you could start tomorrow by asking how the client is, what they have been up to etc.

As it is a video call you could have your notes/script up on the screen you're looking at so that you can't see the faces of the others.

You could put yourself on mute initially and start speaking then suddenly pretend to only just realised and go "oh so sorry I was on mute" that sometimes helps to break the ice.

I've also been known to actually hang up the call if it's all feeling too much and then take a deep breath and log back on again with "oh sorry I dropped out there hahaha". Helps to give yourself a moment to compose yourself. Hopefully just knowing you can drop off the call if you start panicking will help to calm you.

I also now take proponolol for this which helps 100000%. It's too late for you now but I would recommend asking your GP a for some for for next time.

Using breathing techniques to calm down in advance.

Writing down your thoughts and trying to disprove with logic.

And finally it sounds mad but I would genuinely consider a small glass of wine before hand (unless it's 9am lol) if you're really panicking.

Don't panic. Online meetings are the best! You can have all your notes on the screen in front of you that no one else can see, so if you go blank, it's all there ready for you.

I have a full script of what I have to say. It takes 90% of the worry away.

Maybe reframe some of it? Like pp have mentioned, video calls come with perks - some of which give you power and control. You can have notes up, you can mute people, you can hide your audience or make them teeny tiny on your screen so they're less intimidating, etc. Identifying where you have control can be a helpful way to keep anxiety in check.

With your NHS therapy, don't forget that you can say "actually I would like it if we explored practical strategies this week" or "I don't feel going over the same ground is helpful, but I would like it if we explored xyz instead".

They are your sessions, you don't have to quietly wait and hope the therapist goes in the direction you want. They will be pleased if you tell them what you want/need or what you're finding less helpful/more helpful.

Thank you all for the great suggestions. I will definitely be using some of these. I like the idea of having a script, I've done this before in a previous call focused job. I will try and jot a few notes to have available during the meeting.

Tickticksnooze - you're right! I will bring up my feedback in our next session so that we can start focusing on some strategies too.

I have in the past also looked into hypnotherapy, but not sure I believe it works! Does anyone have any experience of it?

Hypnosis

Really good tips from others. I used to have quite string anxiety about speaking up, saying the right things and being able to think on my feet (to be honest I still do).

One of the things that really helped shift my perception of myself was being filmed being interviewed as part of a management training course (but a lovely, super supportive course where you had really ‘safe space’ peer feedback). All the parts where I thought I stumbled and sounded crap weren’t actually all that obvious to them. And seeing others’ interviews it was the same - they felt uber sensitive to their shaking voice or saying things in a less clear way than they planned - but to the rest of us it was all good (might’ve noticed a bit of nerves…but so what?). It was quite a freeing experience.

You probably are putting far more pressure on yourself than needed. I know you had feedback that you could speak up more - but actually I’d ask for more specific feedback about the content of what you were saying. Are you on the right track with content? If not what more could you do to prepare. If you are all good on content, then it’s just confidence.

Could you explain to your line manager what you’re worrying about? Could either be an open I am really anxious/well-being thing or could be framed in a L&D development request (depending on how comfortable you feel sharing). And maybe ask for a pre-meeting with your boss to go through points to make at the meeting. And ask them for feedback afterwards.

Definitely rescue remedy or Kalms beforehand too.

Hi, I could have written this post. I have always suffered general and social anxiety and absolutely hate work meetings. I could not function in my job without beta blockers… they control my physical symptoms and I can at least get through meetings without having a full-on panic attack. Would definitely recommend them.

When I lead remote calls I always have a script - what I’ll say as an intro , how I’ll wrap it up etc and I practice before hand. I get inspiration for my script from listening to others leading different meetings.

Can I just say, this thread has been so helpful - doesn't it just go to show that it's normal to feel this way! Just hearing that has made a huge difference to me. Thanks, OP

It really is comforting to know that what I go through is common! Although I wouldn't wish anxiety upon anyone, there is a sense of relief in knowing I'm not the only one who goes through this.
I'm glad this thread has helped you 😊

Thought I'd also update that the meeting went much better than I expected. I took the advice of jotting a little script and it work well. Thank you everyone!

I'll still be going to my GP to ask for beta blockers as I think they would definitely help too.

Don't recommend drinking wine before a meeting op.

Breathing, yes the old breathing rolled out again but it really helps, try to do some bouts for deep breathing a few days beforehand too. I think some therapy as well if you can, I did that and now have a new role which I never thought I'd have, still a work in progress though as it stems from my violent childhood and very ingrained.

@Hope24 It's so common, some people are just better at hiding it and then we are so focussed on our own anxiety that we probably don't notice theirs! A trick that helps me is to reverse it and pretend that the other person/people are really nervous and I have to set them at ease.

ps for breathing this book is great: www.waterstones.com/book/breathe-in-breathe-out/stuart-sandeman/9780008475376

Yes to a script, of sorts.
I always prepared my opening words in detail, but then the rest in key word bullet point form as that allowed me to talk more normally 'around' they points I wanted to make.

Glad to hear it went well. I hope this experience and the plan you're formulating start to build your confidence.