WWYD - job change for family life

[SurreyCoconuts]

I was made redundant recently from a 4 day/week role working as a solicitor with DC x2 under 5. One started school this year. As things stand my old role wouldn't have worked out for school hours very easily due to lack of childcare at the school (oversubscribed) and we got our place late so the local childminders are all booked up. Previous solution was to consider private school but DH was against it but we ended up getting first choice state school so we're delighted.

DH also has same job in different sector and is very senior. He is crying out for work support and has managed to get me an opportunity to work (but reporting to him) working 20 hours predominantly 15 hours over 3 days during school hours with balance spent checking emails over other 2 days. All WFH. Upshot means I can do PO and DO and go to gym, life admin. Youngest is with me 1 day a week until school starts Sep 2023 so more free time thereafter. Sounds like the ideal work life balance but pay would be less than half of what I was on but prorata to FTE not far off from where I was previously. Also means working in a different in house setting to what I have previously been following re career track. However DH has unsuccessfully recruited assistant for 18 months as work place has a direct/volatile male working environment - not everyone's cup of tea. I suspect DH can shield me from it and his Chairman is keen on bringing me in. Also my normal industry is male dominated so I usually stand up for myself with no problems.
Any tips on whether working with DH is a good move? The idea of being subordinate annoys me but equally this would be better for the kids and not sure I trust a nanny to do as well as I would.

Simultaneously I am exploring an opportunity mirroring exactly what I did before for a competitor offering me a 6 figure salary - working in office twice a week with a tricky often traffic jammed commute. Sadly with cost of nanny I wouldn't be making much more and would be a lot more hassle/stress as role would have to be FT to make nanny worth it. I can get you to 30 per cent bonus but no guarantee. Just don't know what to do. Which would you persue? WWYD?

The latter role would however feel like I am continuing my natural career path. DHs opportunity less so and harder to explain as feels like I am compromising for family life is the only true explanation.

To be honest, neither sounds ideal.

The job with your husband sounds like it will impact on your career progression (and probably your relationship too).

The alternative, the stress would put me off but it may not you

I'd keep looking and while I'm doing it look into nanny shares and au pairs.

Have you looked at ad-hoc work such as being a NED or tribunal work!

No idea why there was a random!

Would DH be your line manager? If so, I’d be surprised that is allowed. Wherever I’ve worked, you can’t be in a relationship with someone within your line management chain. But otherwise I worry it could get very claustrophobic and negatively impact your marriage. Although sounds good from a childcare perspective. Can you do it very temporarily whilst you job hunt?

There is absolutely no way I could work with/for my DH in an ‘assistant’ subordinate role. Especially not if I was also doing bulk of childcare & domestic fuckery.

If you want a non career-track role ‘for the family’ then people do make that choice. But I’d think unless you’re both absolute saints who never get frustrated either at work or at home, it’s a mistake to mix personal and professional on this score.

Dear lord, I would avoid working for your husband at all costs. Sounds like it benefits no one

Honestly, this sounds like a rock and a hard place. Being managed by your dh in a junior role when you are perfectly capable of working as his equal sounds rubbish. The other job sounds unmanageable with your kids. Is there not an option 3? I think I would try to find it.

I would never work underneath my husband. I can guarantee it will end up with you being his PA at home as well.

I will pm you

Thanks @Liztrussisuseless

In the organisation in which I work we declare potential conflicts of interests / relationships and we wouldn’t have someone working to a relative. It’s not just about whether there is a conflict and in the proposed case there definitely is, but whether people could believe there is a conflict. Rightly or wrongly people will think you have got your job through your husband and won’t treat you in the same way as a normal office support working part time. Clearly the flip side is you could work harder or more flexibly. If you think of how many MPs used to employ their spouses, some got enormous VFM and some didn’t.

Your description of a direct / volatile male working environment sounds like a euphemism for aggression or potential bullying and harassment. Your husband may protect you and his male colleagues may treat you better because of your relationship with him, but do you want to be treated properly when other women are treated poorly?

I expect you will take the job with your husband but I think you may come to regret it if you want to move on in the future.

Of course your husbands boss is keen, they'd get you with your skills and experience at a bargain price.

It sounds like a terrible move for your career.

Can you afford to keep looking a while longer for something more suitable?

It would be a cold day in hell before I worked for my DH, especially in an assistant role.

TBH I wonder why you considered a school without wraparound if you worked or intended on working, but that ship has sailed. I'd much prefer option 2, but is your DH going to do half the household/childcare nonsense? Also, if I was going for option 2, I'd want nursery + after school combo, rather than nanny. Nanny/childcare is short term pain and also NOT YOUR SOLE RESPONSIBILITY - I hate the nonsense spouted that you'd be left with nothing after paying for childcare, your DH will be contributing too.

Are you happy to consider different schooling/childcare arrangements if it results in a better job for you? What do you actually want to do, career wise?

What are your career goals?

I'm an ex-lawyer. DH senior in another industry. We have three kids. I have no interest in a big career so actively took a step back and now earn much less, but there is zero issue around illness, pickup, drop off, holidays, inset days etc. It works for us. I wouldn't put myself through hell unless there was a clear personal, professional or family goal I was working towards.

I would suggest you look for a different in house job.

Many in house jobs are very flexible about wfh and flexi hours and will be open to part time especially once you’ve been there a while.

If you take the job with DH, it may be a foot in the door for other in house jobs but on the other hand if it’s much more junior than your true level it may limit what jobs other employers will consider you for.

Also, I strongly suspect that a “direct, male dominated work environment” (banking? property?) means you will be expected to work well over and above your contracted hours and/or be available at all times. That type of environment goes hand in hand with stupid hours IME.

The role is in debt finance in a SME less than 20 employees. My role wouldn't be as DHs assistant. Rather it would be doing part of his role as Compliance Officer and DPO and occasionally do some commercial work. My salary would be pro-rata to my full time equivalent plus additional perk of sitting as NED where I could get another £35k a year for each role if I wanted to increase the hours in time. Not sure many places would offer me 2.5 days. In doing this role I would effectively free up DH to go focus on securing more deals where he gets profit share so collectively would earn more. Also may get to see him more as he works very long hours.

Redundancy was discovered the day we were offered first choice school which DS started 10 days into term. It's an outstanding school and in the 2nd top school in the county and takes him through to y6 whereas second choice was an infant school only but did have good childcare. The childcare issues is only because we were last in.

The skills gained also include company secretary so could be handy for moving to an in house General Counsel role. My last role covered my main practice but saw me cover new areas too so I have become more generalist, which could offer me a greater choice of roles. From reviewing the market now I have opportunities in other sectors which my exposure to new areas has certainly helped, but again I am not certain of whether to go for those when DH certainly needs more support. He has offered to quit and go part time (yeh right) if I want to pursue a career but what's the point when me having two kids very closely together has scuppered that plus he is earning twice as much as me (+£200k). I did enjoy having the security blanket of my own situation prior to the change of circumstances. I just hate how many he is surpassed me so much now. To think I used to be the breadwinner once upon a time...

@TheWayTheLightFalls what do you now do out of interest? How much less? Feel free to PM. On reflection I do think I have lost the career drive. It's just not easy to admit and I do worry for the future when kids don't need me. I had it when we were equals but it just saddens me how we can't both share our time equally as the returns from DH role certainly brings home more than I ever could. That said it would have saddened me even more had I worked for longer to persue career and then find we couldnt have the bambinos.

what do you now do out of interest? How much less?

Waaaaay less . He’s not a lawyer but earns a high six figure salary in his industry; I changed jobs totally and earn a tenth what he does, in the charity sector. But my job is completely flexible, so our childcare costs are negligible and the holidays etc are covered. And I was no great shakes as a lawyer.

Lawyer friends wanting flexibility have done the things you’ve probably thought of already - going in house, joining one of the on-demand providers… it depends on your career goals really. I was never going to start aiming for partner once the last kid was in school.