New job - previous bullying

[Ritascornershop]

I’m starting a new job soon after a break. I’ve been bullied in previous jobs (& also had some positive situations), the last one being the worst where the bully tried to hit me (not in the UK, employer found the bully guilty but expected me to continue working one on one w the bully so I transferred then quit as I was so stressed).

I’m feeling quite anxious about it happening again. I don’t have the emotional wherewithal to deal with a grievance again so I’d just quit. But I’m wondering how to avoid it in the first place?

Keep talk 100% work based? Be polite but not friendly? Not have opinions about anything not related to work (& even then be non-committal when possible)?

I worry that my clothes might set some people off. I mostly get nice things used, I rarely pay shop prices (except on shoes and lingerie), but I like clothes, find them interesting, and it seems to piss some people off. A friend of mine advised me to wear as bland clothes as possible (she likes fashion too, but gets to wear a uniform at work). I feel more confident in clothes I like, so that one is tricky. Where I live women who wear clothes that would be perfectly normal in, say, Paris or Stockholm, are seen as showing off here. For example cotton trousers in whatever the current fashionable shapes are, a cashmere jumper, leather flats. So even something like that can be seen as trying to show other people up. Anyway, that’s just one thought.

Or if the key to not getting bullied is to show strength, what exactly does this look like?

None of my friends have been through this to the extent I have and it seems that people don’t grasp why I'm
anxious (so please don’t pile on). One friend said (when I said I start in a week) “that’ll be fun!” 😳 and another advised me to go into HR and let them know their instructions were full of spelling errors (I’d needed to use her desktop to fill out a form for the new job and she was reading over my shoulder: it was nothing confidential that the employer would object to someone else seeing). Again, 😳 I just want to do the work well and fly under the radar. I have zero interest in advancement, I’m quite happy to stay in this role, just want to do the work and not be intimidated, micro-managed, insulted, etc.

Trousers, a jumper and flat shoes are 'showing off'?! Where is this and what industry?

I've been going through something similar, pretty extreme tbh, which has all but ruined any confidence I once had and has affected my mental health significantly and my home life. So if I was to get another job I would feel the same anxiety as you.

I think it's normal to think it's something you're doing wrong but most often it's the bully with the issues, often insecurity. In my case it's someone who is desperate for a senior position as well as status and attention, and sees me as a threat to that, even though I don't have these ambitions and don't pose a threat, although I do have a lot of work experience and qualifications. He's made my working life a nightmare, yet is seen as indispensible by those in senior positions because he has taken over much of my role. No one will stand up to him because he's quite aggressive.

So don't change the way you dress, I don't see how this would encourage bullying, especially if you dress the way you have indicated which seems quite smart and understated to be honest. I honestly think a lot of the time it's just bad luck more than anything that you end up working with a bully.

@MichelleScarn I don’t want to say identifying things, but a small city and both office wear and jeans are fine. It’s more that if I wear a cashmere jumper (bought massively reduced in the sales or vintage) or anything black …

But I don’t want this getting derailed into talk about what is and isn’t right for work, how it’s impossible anyone would object to that, etc. That was just one train of thought. Not that you were derailing!

It will be more difficult to build working relationships if you keep all your interactions transactional and impersonal. But you don't need to be a totally open book either.

@buttonsuptheback maybe it’s just bad luck, but my work experience of decades has been about 60/40 with being bullied being the majority of my experience. I’ve also made lifelong friends at work and have a good support network outside of work.

i was also married to someone emotionally abusive. I think I need to know what they’re sending about me and nip that in the bud?

I wish I had the answer to be honest - I also had an abusive relationship, which I put up with for years, and I've also been dealing with this workplace bullying for years but too embarrassed to say how long!

@buttonsuptheback and my clothes definitely have gotten other women’s backs up. At one job I was in a front facing role and so thought it appropriate to wear dresses and (wedge) heels. Nothing low cut or short, knee-length dresses. A couple of the younger women had a loud sniggering conversation about “middle-aged women who think they’re attractive to men” for my benefit. We’d go weeks without men coming into the place, it had nothing to do with men, I was just trying to look smart & professional.

And sorry to buttons and gotthebigdecisions that they’re having to deal with this too. So many workplaces say they have a zero tolerance for it, but it means nothing, it’s just lip service.

@Ritascornershop I am very much people wear what they want but should be appropriate for work.

From what you have said you are not wearing inappropriate clothes but you are clearly aware the clothes you choose to wear are attracting the wrong attention from colleagues. As this is in multiple jobs and has resulted in you being bullied it suggests you are not dressing in-line with the culture of the places you are working.

Think of it as having a work uniform, look at what colleagues are wearing and mirror them. Avoid the type of clothes you know “get other women’s backs up”.

Thanks @Princessglittery I will try, but it feels weird as I’m wearing clothes that cover appropriate parts, aren’t covered in glitter 😁 etc.

And I don’t think it can be just that. One place I worked, at break they’d only talk about their husbands/boyfriends and what work they were doing on their houses. I’m single and don’t have a house, and there’s only so much nodding and listening a person can do. So I also think I’m maybe not good at work chitchat?

One office I worked in, we had to sit in a circle (on chairs) and say something new from our home life every week. One week the woman next to me said that she’d made plans to visit the next town over for a day out. Every gushed and oohed and awed. I said that my kids’ grandparents had sent us tickets to visit them over the break and I was so excited as we hadn’t had a big holiday in ages and we were going to Spain. Dead silence, then next person’s term. It wasn’t bragging, anyone could see I was genuinely thrilled. That’s the mild end of the shittiness visited upon me.

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

In my experience, try to keep work conversations about work, talk minimum about your private life. This at least until you know your coworkers are good with you.

Also, keep yourself strong, don't care what people think or say about you. If you have a bully and they know it upsets you, they will do it more often. Show them you are happy and don't care their comments (re:clothes).

You should wear what makes you happy, without care for others, they are likely jealous that you can afforda and care to look fashio

You should wear what makes you happy, without care for others, they are likely jealous that you can afford and care to look fashionable.

Of course, if bullying gets serious document everything. Keep notes of the all the comments, dates and details. This is considered evidence.

I think you're over thinking this. I appreciate you've been bullied before but you just have to go in with an open mind. As regards your style, that's you so don't change it. It doesn't sound outlandish, so I doubt anyone will notice. Just be you!