back to work with a 3 month old

[Jellybelly88]

I'm feeling nervous and anxious about starting work when my little one is only 3 months old. She turns 3 months today..!

A job opportunity presented itself through the company that my husband works in.

I spoke with 5 people, including 2 from HR, and the more I spoke with people the more I thought this is an opportunity I need to seize - the company is doing everything they can to accommodate to my needs as a mother of a tiny baby; they are accepting to let me work the number of hours on the days I want, and it can be mostly working from home.
Pay is pretty good too.

But now, with a verbally agreed contract and a paper contract to sign yet, I am feeling more and more anxious about leaving my baby. We haven't got a nanny yet and I'm worried about how well bottle feeding will go (she is breastfed at the minute and I plan to express), whether she will be alright without her mummy, will she understand, etc.

I keep thinking if it would be okay to decline the job even at this stage because I haven't signed the contract yet.

With the first baby I went back to work when she was 10.5 months and she went to nursery. It was hard at first (only for me..!! Baby adjusted really well)...
With the second baby I never went back to work but started teaching languages online in the evenings just before he turned 2.

And now I've been tossing and turning in my bed since 3am (it is now 5am) shedding tears thinking I am a terrible mother for even considering leaving this adorable and helpless baby with a nanny.

If anyone else went back to work/ started work with a little baby, how did it go for you? Does it get easier?
Would I have a bigger regret about not having been there full time for my baby or not having taken a job opportunity which seems to have been served on a platter for me?

I just really wanted to take this off my chest but I didn't want to rant to my husband who has made lots of sacrifices for the family already, and I didn't want to worry my parents who already wish they lived closer to us so they could help out with childcare etc. (but they can't because we live in France and they don't speak French🥲 + other factors).

If you have read this far, thank you for taking the time to read my messy thoughts, and thank you for any helpful words/ tips to help calm my mind.

@Jellybelly88 first...you are not a terrible mother.
I totally understand how you are feeling. It's so difficult making decisions around work.
I worked full time before my first and went back to work part time when she was 12 months....I could have gone back sooner but it was all down to childcare costs.
I love my job and when people ask what if it they always say wow that's amazing line of work!
However it's become less important over time...and I know my career has faltered because I'm part time. But I just really did t have the time dedication for it anymore, if you know what I mean.

Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong....it sounds like your employer is being very understanding.
Is there no way they could hold the position for another year maybe, until your fully ready?

Also talk to your DH. He needs to know how you feel. Love and hugs x

Thank you @cupoftea33 it helps just to hear kind words from another mum. I don't know what your job is but that you're encouraging other mums is something amazing too! :)
I'll definitely talk to my hubby just so he is aware...! :) not sure how open the employer would be about re-negotiating a start date as the contract is verbally agreed...

But thank you nonetheless for your kind words and advice! :) starting the morning in a slightly better mood thanks to you :)

Sending love your way xx