Working mum…absolute burnout

[Ifyoucloseyoureyes32]

I am a mum to a wonderful 5yo - DS. I co-parent with his dad after significant trauma where he tried to obtain full custody under false circumstances. We have been separated for just under 3 years. DS’s dad frequently alludes to how rubbish a parent he thinks I am. Currently I have DS Wednesday - Sunday (alternating Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons), despite the fact I see DS only after work from 6pm on my Weds, Thurs and Fri.

I currently work 5 full days a week and leave the house at 7.30 and return at 6pm. My grandparents (late 60’s) do the pick ups and drop off to school when DS dad permits them (he works part-time around school whilst running a sport franchise on weekends).

When DS is with me and my partner (we have been together 2 years - he is significantly needy in that he constantly wants us to play games, do crafts, build Lego etc. Like every mum I hear ‘muummmmmyy’ 67351 times a day. We do quite a lot with him and always see family etc, have occasional play dates and go out to do activities. I love nothing more than spending time with my son but I am EXHAUSTED.

Monday and Tuesday nights I spend cleaning the house/cooking/ironing/doing work for work and generally anything else than needs to be done so that the nights I have DS can be spent with him and then making packed lunches for school/filling out reading logs/getting uniform ready etc so we can all be up and out of the house at 7.30. Weekends are always filled up with the activities previously mentioned.

I have reached a point where I feel like I am complete burnout and have no idea what the answer is. I need to work full-time to support the household. I earn more than my partner and have a mortgage to pay. I feel like I never have time to myself. I am always the last one to get ready because I’m so busy sorting everyone else out - then I feel worse about myself because I look and feel terrible.

Does anyone have any ideas?

It's great that you realise this and you need to put things in place because if YOU go down it all stops! The old put on you oxygen mask first thing is said for a reason.

My suggestion - stop doing so much cleaning. Either get a cleaner or clean once every other week and in the old cleaning day book this in as Time Off. Non negotiable time off for you. It is now film night.

A bit of extra dust don't kill you.

Right who's next with an idea?

Oh and the same goes for so much ironing. Halve it. At least. (If ditching it all is not possible but I never iron!)

Something seems a bit off kilter here. Working FT as a mum is hard, no question, but you have one 5yo who should be reasonably independent in toileting and dressing, and he's not with you all week. What do you do as a job? What do you do with the evenings once your 5yo is in bed when he's with you? How much cleaning are you doing?

I think there should be time free-uppable here, unless you're working ridiculous hours, but I'm also wondering about your health, physical and mental.

Lower your standards.
I have a cleaner every 2 weeks and wipe down the surfaces occasionally, plus trhe odd hoover and that's about it.

How much ironing are you doing?

Is your dp pulling their weight with household chores?

Spending time with your son can (and should) include curling up on the sofa with TV.

It sound like you had no time to recover from the trauma, you were straight into this new way and now, later on you're paying for it.

Is there any way you can compress your hours? So 9 days over 10. It would give you a day off a fortnight and might be just what you need. You could work the longer hours on Mondays and Tuesdays.

Also, spending all the time on chores. Pp are right, lower your standards, get a cleaner, or re-evaluate how you spend your time on those jobs. And yes, is your partner doing enough?

It's normal that your child wants to be with you. But that does get easier. I promise.

Take care.

It sounds like you job might be causing the burn-out rather than anything else, as the rest is pretty normal. What do you do?

Yep, at the moment my theories are:

1. you're doing too much at home and need to drop your standards. (I effectively never iron.)
2. you're doing too much at work and need to change jobs/tighten your boundaries/renegotiate/let shit go.
3. your partner is functionally an extra child
4. some combination of 1, 2 and 3.

I think to work full time with kids, especially if your job is very intense (mine and DP’s both bonkers) you have to let something go. a lot go in fact! Otherwise you’ll go crazy. I am staying away from the ‘change jobs’ option because it doesn’t sound viable for financial circs. But yours is a long day out the house and you certainly need to look at priorities.

Your little lad sounds at the demanding age. But start to drop all possible standards and save your energy for the fun stuff with him.

I never clean (cleaner does it which not be affordable - weigh it up though) batch cook soup and eat that all week, never iron ever. I won’t give my kids packed lunches except for school trips unless they make them themselves (which they can’t be bothered - kids are 8 and 10 so it is more viable to ask this). I eat soup, so they can eat whatever school lunch is! Does your ds definitely need the packed lunch option?

i have left my kids to be entirely responsible for getting dressed since start of school. I mean there have been a few comedy outfits but who cares! They don’t. They are quite dapper these days. again - could your ds sort his uniform? It’s just another job for you otherwise.

i also believe organising homework quickly needs to be the child’s responsibility- they need to be able to use the computer and work out themselves. Me and DH will always help with homework content/support practice of musical instruments etc but equally kids need a sense of personal ownership (appreciate it hugely, hugely depends on the child. Too early for this in your case - but remember for later).

Some of the school admin I refuse to do - it’s nonsense.

oh also my DH, also with brutal workload, does 50% and is a feminist in action not just words.

i wonder if after all the stress you went through, you are feeling a pressure to be ‘perfect’. I am so sorry you went through it all.
Women also just get a ton of expectations put on them, all their lives. Defy it as much as you can and make sure you hold your partner to account for a fair share of effort.