Senior manager at work saying I'm too quiet/lacking in confidence

[tooquiettooshy]

I have anxiety, which my manager and the senior managers are aware of. I've had referral to occupational health and have allowed them access to medical records, doctor's notes, etc i.e. it's a legitimate disorder.

I had a meeting with a senior manager, and they were talking about how I'm very quiet and shy, and insinuated that I'm too quiet in meetings and that they've noticed that I don't attend work socials as often as everyone else. They then spoke about how I'm lacking in confidence and need to have more confidence in myself and speaking up more, and how it will impact my career progression. I felt really embarrassed by it, it's such a personal topic to be discussing in the office when other colleagues are around

I get that it was coming from good intentions, but I felt quite taken aback by it and not really sure how to interpret the meeting. I feel like my anxiety has been brushed off as being just a bit of shyness, rather than an anxiety disorder that would classify as a disability. I really cannot help being socially anxious, I'm on medication and have sought help for it, it's never manifested itself to this extent before in previous jobs. I work so hard at my job, and the main part of it I'm good at and get good feedback on, but the social aspect I find really difficult.

The company promotes inclusion and supporting employees with neurodiversity, but I feel like this doesn't really come into play with my situation

It all depends how much you care about career progression- the more senior you get the more you will need to lead which means talking in meetings etc. the social side can mostly always be dodged to some extent.

Two option in my mind - say to them you like the job and are just happy to stay as it is and that you don't feel career progression is right for you ( I have had people say similar to me ) or find a different job, company, career which you can progress in more within the bounds of your comfort zone.

I think I'll need to find a different job, that places less importance on leading meetings. Maybe even freelancing.

It's such a painful situation to be in, when something you can't help hinders your career, despite putting your all into the job. It hurts seeing colleagues in my cohort progress and feeling left behind

I am sure it does but we all have different challenges so just see it as finding a job that is better for you. Other option is to perhaps speak to doctors about better ways to solve anxiety but I know it's often easier said than done. I suffer from awful anxiety in some situations but am ok in most meetings as I compartmentalised it as work not personal an act if you will playing work me. However I managed to advance more in covid as I found it much easier to speak in meetings on zoom in the safety of my home and with some crib notes and prep available that no one else could see 😂

I have a huge amount of sympathy for you but you've posted about this situation (and the history) lots of times. I can absolutely sense how hard this is for you but I think you may need to accept that this isn't the job for you.

I’m not sure that freelancing will be enabled by anxiety?

yes, if you aren’t able to speak up in meetings and give a view, other people will progress faster than you.

that might sound harsh, but it’s reality.

Smoke some weed at the weekends, you'll be cured following week.

What's your area? Can you contribute in other ways? Preparing papers or research, or taking on actions from meetings?

I don't know your situation but if you're sitting silently through everything and not compensating in other ways, it's perhaps difficult to recognise the contribution you make.

It does sound as though this is potentially not a fit.

I have had managers say this to me and then it makes it worse.

I would say the managers need training on helping people speak up.

Keep on their good side and say yes you will try to speak up more in discussiins if I feel a valid point needs to made. However I would start looking around for another job as managers like that are not helping highlighting it!

This has happened to me a few times, I’m not a quiet person if I’m comfortable with those whom I’m surrounded with.
I am quiet when taking things in during a meeting, I am quiet when reading the room, quiet when I sense hostility. It doesn’t mean I’m not confident. I like to suss people out.
It has infuriated me when managers have said this to me…..who do they think they are, usually this all comes out of the blue, resulting in jaw drop !
I find this kind of accusation actually has an adverse effect on my confidence, and I end up feeling anxious and feeling like I lack confidence.
To be honest, when this shit starts to happen the only way is out.

They then spoke about how I'm lacking in confidence and need to have more confidence in myself and speaking up more, and how it will impact my career progression.

if they say this in one breathe and then claim to support Neurodiversity, you know they are just ticking a box rather than believing that having a diverse workforce is an asset to any organisation.

If you are on medication, could you speak to your manager in terms of your social anxiety (which is what it sounds like) in terms of a disability and consider reasonable adjustments in meeting to put you in a more level playing field with colleagues who don't suffer from anxiety. Using more formal language puts it on a more legal footing within the framework of the Equality Act (2010) and they may reconsider their attitude and become more supportive. They sound clueless as regards people skills.

*- for example we use MS Teams quite a lot nowadays and it's great for colleagues with ND conditions and they can type their ideas into the Chat window. If you don't have the confidence to speak but want your ideas to be taken on board, that's the way organisations can adjust for different communications styles, not forcing you to speak up and making you feel bad. Could this be a reasonable adjustment that works for you?

Daisy, I often hear people say on teams meeting that there camera is not working or speaker won't unmute but do think due to the frequency of it happening if they are shy. I hate MS teams. I have to do a preswntation and we went through a run through and the woman projected me on a screen. In these scenarios OP I try to forget my body, and concentrate soley on my message I am trying to convey, tone, intonation. I try to completelt forget about myself sought of like an out of body ecperience. I could see myself projected but said it was someone else.

Not all team meetings are supportive ....some demand the caneras kn

I'm just thinking , have you tried SKILL SHARE to see if you can do some 1 to 1 courses on presentation. I was thinking of doing this. There maybe strategies you can use to help . I don't feel you should change yourself too much, this is you and that should be celebrated!. You have different skills which maybe your managers or collegues do not have!

Sorry I don't know much about OH , can your managers view your medical record through OT?

I have similar, perhaps differing degrees but I have not overtly told GP.