Being shouted at

[expandabandband]

Urgh, this is difficult. It's also hard to explain as we work in a slightly unusual situation and I don't want to give too many details as it will be VERY identifiable to the right person.

And because of all those complexities, I'm not necessarily looking for solutions (I think I am across how to deal with it which is v difficult and includes daily meditation) although ways of managing it might be useful. What I could use most of all is a sense of how unreasonable this person is being.

I work in parallel with someone. They are on the same level as me, but our work overlaps a lot and we need to collaborate. This mostly works fine, unless they are stressed, at which point they become micro-managing, autocratic and shouty. And don't apologise.

It started with shouty emails in capitals about a piece of text which had been c&p from an old document WHY ARE WE SAYING THIS. In my several previous jobs, no one has ever done this, always asked nicely (because the answer was, whoops, by accident, not important, sorry).

Then, when a member of their family had been taken ill and they had refused to have time off, they tried to have an argument with me on my TOIL about a really trivial email which had been sent out (again, can't explain as will be obvious to those who were there), chasing me with email after email and clearly spoiling for a fight until I had to get someone else in their office to talk them down because I was not going to engage on a nice sunny day when I was not working.

The family member has now died. They are still not taking any time off. I was shouted at for half an hour about how unreasonable I am to work with, how I am not a team player, how I need to let her do their stuff alone, except that it was then followed by an hour of tense micromanagement of everything that I do, and over-riding me in an area which is my fucking speciality.

I emailed after that asking for follow up on some of the things they said but got no answer (not answering all my emails is another speciality).

I think this is workplace bullying and completely unacceptable, but we are a tiny organisation and taking it to the board would be very, very disruptive.

So I think I really want reassurance that this is not OK. Or that this is normal and I need to just get on with it.

You need to talk calmly face to face with this person about these issues. You can ask another colleague to mediate. It needs to be non confrontational, come at it from a “it would be better for us and for the workplace if we can resolve this” angle. But make it clear that the shouty aggressive behaviour must stop.

No that is absolutely not on.

Might I suggest that you wait until this person is having a 'calm' day, sit them down and tell them that they way they have been speaking to you is totally unacceptable and they have to stop doing it. You will tolerate it no longer. Make the point that you wouldn't let a family member speak to you like that, and you're not going to put up with it from someone at work either.

Thank you. I suspected as much but it is starting to have a slightly abusive edge in the sense that I am beginning to doubt myself...

For now, things are OK but I am keeping a log of what has happened and am wondering about lodging something with superiors, not in a 'I want this changed now' but in the sense of 'this has been happening and we may need to address it if it happens again'.

If there are any HR people who happen to read this and who could quantify in HR terms what this would count as (bullying? inappropriate conduct?) that would he helpful too.

I think you need to show them your boundaries.

Eg. "Sue, I appreciate you're going through a really difficult time and I am happy to whateve I can support you at work. But I still expect you to communicate with me in a dignified/resepectful manner."

In the background I'd be keeping a log of every incident that occurred, ie: date, time, location, context. I'd also raise it with my line manager, coming from a place of concern as in "I'm worried about Sue, she seems very obstructive/frustrated"

@SevernEleven i think you are right and I need to raise it now, even if we don’t address it immediately

You have done all the right things e.g. keeping a record, not responding, getting a 3rd party involved etc.

Given that your colleague has just had a bereavement after a long illness I would recommend you talk to your (and their) line manager. I would phrase it that X has obviously had a tough time with relative being Ill and then dying. You are concerned they have not taken any time off during the illness nor following their bereavement. During this period they have been volatile and their behaviour has been unacceptable e.g. give your examples.

To date you have been sympathetic to her situation and have not challenged her behaviour. However, the ongoing and increasingly unacceptable behaviour is having a negative effect on you and it has reached a point you feel it is close to tipping over into bullying. You want to de-escalate this and feel someone needs to talk to X about her behaviour. In your opinion it has reached a stage where mediation would be appropriate so she is made aware of the adverse impact of her behaviour is having on you and your colleagues.

This is definitely workplace bullying. It needs to be dealt immediately as it's only going to get worse.Your colleague feels like they can speak to you like that with no repercussions. It's time to bring in your manager and discuss it with them. You cannot work with this person anymore.This is completely unacceptable. If the manager fails to deal with it appropriately, you need to write up a grievance against them. It infuriates me why people like that exist.

How bizarre. Do you just stand there while this person shouts at you for 30 minutes? Do you really not tell this person to shut their fucking mouth, professionally, of course. I can't begin to imagine why you are tolerating this.

It's over the phone, so am not standing there. And I am taking notes...

But yes, I imagine this seems weird, and I can't explain the circumstances as to why reporting to other people is quite a nuclear option.

So, if there were to be mediation in a normal office situation - with quite senior people - who would be the mediator?

You bring in an external mediator www.independentmediators.co.uk/our-mediators/

This keeps it professional and confidential.

Sounds like my boss.Hard work.
I told our new boss as did other team members separately.
Micromanaging and nit picking.
I set boundaries of no contact out of work and with one exception it has worked.I feel much happier for it.
I would tell both of your bosses before it gets worse.