DH about to take over on Childcare: Feeling Conflicted, please help!

[Sycamoretree]

I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5.5 month old DS and a 2.5 yr old DD. I will be returning to my reasonably high salaried job in 6 weeks. Last year my DH was made redundant in January, found work again for 5 months and then was made redundant for a second time in November.

Having totted up our finances, we realised that because our nannyshare was no-longer functional with two children, it really didn't make any financial sense for DH to return to work, particularly as his earning capacity is about half mine.

DH is very happy to take on the challenge, and he is great with the kids, but I worry so much that he doesn't quite realise how organised he's going to have to be in order to not be driven insane being stuck indoors all the time, especially in this miserable weather. I'm also worried about how it's going to affect his self esteem - perhaps this is ridiculous, but I feel rightly or wrongly that it's probably more difficult for a man to tell people he's a stay at home dad than it would be for me.

I am a bit envious, as though I love parts of my job, it's exceptionally high stress and can be long hours with trips away from home. I wish it could be me, but the reality is that we couldn't pay our mortgage if I gave up my lucrative career and he looked for a similar job again. OUr plan is that he will perhaps retrain for a more stable career once our DS is 3 and in nursery...

Somehow I think I would feel better if he had elected to do this rather than been forced to think about whether he could because of the situation with his redundancy...

Does anyone have similar experience of DH doing childcare? Can it work? I so want it too, as obviously nicer for kiddiwinkles if DH looks after them rather than a nanny or childminder.

It's understandable that you are apprehensive. You may be surprised at fast he learns to be organised if he isn't already naturally so.

Demonstrate you trust him, and appreciate him and when he starts the childcare make sure you allow him to do things his way. Let him define what a SAHD is for him rather than what you think you would be doing as a SAHM.

I'm in the situation where if either of us were to give up work it would be my DH rather than me, for financial and other reasons. Our plan, is that we will both reduce days to allow us equal mix of career and childcare once my maternity leave is over. Financially it will hit us but I don't think either of us are able to be all or nothing. Have you considered trying to make your job more flexible/shorter hours? so that even though he is still the main carer, you would be able to have a little more balance for you?

DH and I share the childcare. It's worked for us, but I think DH has been frustrated by the lack of support/understanding/anything for dads as opposed to mums. For us it balances out well - DH does 2 days a week, I do 1 and DS is at the CMs 2 days (DH is freelance and works from home).

One big difference is that DH does not do groups, esp ones where he might have to talk with other mums. He does different stuff like taking DS to the park or to various unpopular museums.

I'd say give it a trial period, and consider getting p/t childcare if he finds staying at home 5 days a week a bit much, which is hopefully the same plan you'd have it you were staying at home. Good luck

Thank you both for such a quick response. It's just not feasible for me to do my job part time, even though I think that would be the solution that would make both me and DH most happy. It's project based and I work with clients who need one to one creative support. No one has ever successfully applied for a part time position in my department - we are all women with children though so it's a supportive environment in that respect.

I think you are right gingerwench that I let him define his own role - it's bound to be different than I would do it as no fun for him hanging around solely with women and feeling very much the odd one out.

We have a few regular weekly activities that my toddler goes to which hopefully he will be able to manage with babe DS in tow. I think I will just have to learn to breathe through any perceived chaos and disintegration of semblance of routine we have somehow managed to cobble together in last few months having been at home together through my leave (how lucky am I???? Only had to do 10 weeks on my own, so that's one up side). It might not all come together straight away.

Looks like he get one day a week break from my mum at some point in the future, (she is about 40 mins away), but she is currently looking after my terminally ill father so can't be away from home.

DD stars nursery in September this year so our plan is for him to try and stick it out until then, then we can make a different plan if he feels unhappy. It is so frustrating that there isn't more out there for SAHD's - I haven't seen a single one at any of our toddler groups or activities, but that might be because, Lke EffiePerine's DH, they are avoiding them in favour of other less alienating activities. Think the answer is to stay positive, and both of us just suck it and see, so to speak!

Indeed stay positive. And make sure you read lots of (paid) childcare nightmares on Mumsnet so that you can say 'phew i'm so glad I'm avoiding that'.

your kids have got a brilliant situation lined up - and that's your joint doing.

Possibly your dh could consider contacting local clubs that do things he likes (e.g. sports [sexist emoticon] to see when/if your dd could join groups based at those places. Locally i was looking for a football club for ds for ages, but failed to realise that if I'd contacted the local Football Club I'd immediately have found lots of facilities for him. Same for rugby, cricket etc, although rugby doesn't start until 4 and cricket apparently not til 7

Sorry to be so sexist - of course it doesn't have to be sports - but i must say your dh is slightly more likely to find other dads taking children to sports-related activities.

Were there any other like-minded people on an antenatal course? unfortunately dh really only tolerates the other dads from our antenatal couples, whereas I have made really good friends with the mums. a shame as we both do part-time childcare (he more than me atm).

Gosh sycamore - you could have been me 7 years ago. Although my dh gave up work voluntarily after having to sack 2 Nannies in the space of 4 weeks. I also had to travel quite a lot and spent most working days in a different country throughout Europe. It was a real heart-rench, but it you want the truth, I also enjoyed the freedom and the chance to be myself.

However, I won't say it was easy in terms of our relationship - he drove me mad not meeting my high standards (I'm
very organised just like you). But I learnt to chill and that we all work at our own pace. You have to learn to switch off from the mess and upheaval that you get when you return home and that, in their own time, it will be sorted (that's men for you ). As long as the kids are happy and well looked after, that is all that matters.

However, the BIG marriage saver was hiring a cleaner - without her I doubt it would have worked out (or we would have still been together ). Its amazing how he liked to tidy up before she came.

As a result of his time of with dds, he now appreciates all the things that have to be done at home and my dds have a very special relationship with their Dad.

As for socialising - well my dh is quite shy and was never one for mixing with others unless I introduced him. But he made up for it in the activities he did with my dds - every special occasion was celebrated to the full (pancake day, halloween, Easter) in fact, I used to delight in coming home to a house decorated to the full and my dds laughing and joking. There was never a dull day in the Recycle household.

We have a great group of mums and dads from my first time round as a mum - we did NCT course. This time I only did a refresher antenatal course and DH did not come so we have no new parent mates. Other Dads all work full time and mums are now a mixture of SAH, Full time and part time workers.

I think DH will have no problem finding stuff to do (he also loves the museums!) but worry is that they are solitary and provide no other adult company for him. My biggest fear is to see his sense of self and identity disappear if it doesn't go well - and maybe his confidence socially start to disintegrate - he is quite a shy man with new people, but not at all once he knows people well, if that makes sense.

I suppose I am worrying about money and our family happiness and a little scared of being sole breadwinner/provider for family type of thing . Also confess have slight "i know best" attitude when it comes to the kids which I will clearly have to work hard to reign in.

Oh my goodness Mrs Recycle, I just posted my last message before reading yours - seems we have more in common than at first you thought!

you're quite right mrs recycle. i do find that ds's experience of being at home with dh is different from being at home with me (for a start, we are out of the house slamming the door on chaos at every possible opportunity, whereas dh is a homebird and makes a lovely serene atmosphere at home w funny songs, special lego constructions etc.) it is something i am so grateful for. i don't remember my dad doing anything much with me until i was much much older

sorry if this has already been covered but does he drive? My dh often finds it easier looking after the kids than me for the simple fact that if the weather is crap like today he can just bundle them in the car and take them to the supermarket or just for a drive.
Does he like swimming? Maybe he can do that with them or take them to play gym. Not everyone goes to Mums and Toddler groups anyway. As long as the kids are happy doing other stuff like the park etc it doesn't really matter. Maybe he can keep up with his mates at weekends or join something at the weekend to make sure he still has a social life?

Yes, he does drive, and we have just been given a second car (carbon footprint eek) by my dad so he will be able to ferry kids about whilst I'm at work. He's not a keen swimmer, whereas I was an aquatots fanatic and take both toddler and babe whenever I can. I guess until DD is a bit older and doesn't need so much help in the water it would be a bit tricky taking them both anyway. DD does tumbletots which I have encouraged him to be brave and take DS to as well - he'll be over 6 months by time I go back to work so will at least be able to sit on his own and chew on a coloured stick whilst DD climbs and crawls! The parks will be a god send I'm sure, once it's stops raining!

Thank you all for chipping in - wasn't sure I'd get much of a response as have not really come across anyone in similar position.

When my other children were 4, 3 and 1 we split the childcare. With us though we had 5x 1/2 days each so the whole clubs/ activities thing wasn't relevant.

We did find that we didn't have the same views on a lot of aspects, which was quite a surprise and very frustrating. He would park them in front of the TV while he "got on", whereas I had only let them watch TV (and only BBC- this was pre Sky) in short doses while I sat with them and we discussed what was happening. I'd also tried to get them to help with clearing up- he said it was quicker to do it himself- Not really the point and we ended up with 4 teenagers lounging around expecting to not have to do anything.

It was very difficult for me to relinquish control and accept that he would look after them his way and not the way I would do it.

Also as a heads up, I found it very difficult not being involved at school. He did the pick-up so he knew the other kids and their parents. I didn't know who their friends were which was very hard.

My ex did quite a bit of childcare as he was a teacher and I got 4 weeks holiday a year although we did have a nanny usually too. It wasn't an issue. Men can be as good as women at these things.

But most women marry someone who is a bit older and earns more presumably because subconsciously they want to avoid this kind of situation.

Hi Xenia,

I suppose you might be right. When DH and I met we were both reasonably young (me 23, he 25), but I don't think either of us would have predicated ending up in this situation. DH followed his dream into a creative but precarious career. Now, ten years later, as a husband and father we both realise it's not about selfish ambition anymore - and I think he has become disillusioned in his chosen career after everything that happened in 2007 and maybe a career break to look after DC's will give him the perspective he needs to figure out where he wants to go to next.
Evenhope - Yes, the control is I'm sure my biggest secret concern. I also know I will find the initial (inevitable) rejection from older DD when I return to work difficult to take. She obviously doesn't understand yet the concept that someone has to work to pay for everything, and when she does, am sure she will wonder why the majority of her friends Daddy's work whilst their mummy's are at home. Can't bear the idea that she thinks I elect to work rather than stay at home with her. Truth is, if the salary shoe were on the other foot, I would not have returned to work after she was born, and stayed at home until I was done having kids and DS was into school or at least nursery.

There's some good advice in all these snippets of experience though, so I am heartened and grateful. Key is clearly to allow him space to do his dad thing his way, to give him support and to try and manage my frustrations at having to relinquish my "territory". I think we pretty much share the same views on bringing up kids, but I also know that I find it much easier to draw boundaries when DD is playing up. DH didn't really have such a great experience with his parents growing up as I was lucky enough to, and so whilst he knows what he should do, part of him doesn't really want to do anything that might upset her. Sometimes he also goes to far in an effort to do it right! See - I am at it already - must let go!

I earned more than my ex husband and we always agreed before we even had children that if we couldn't get childcare to work out he would give up work, not me and that would have been fine. Now I have 3 at university what they see is me in my career and enjoy aspects of that, the example of that and the ability for me to fund university fees etc too...... so it definitely paid off and I don't feel any less close to the girls at 23 and 21 years old than had I stayed home until they were 10. You don't look at them and see dysfunction, result of working parents sort of aspects. They are just people. I think when you have under 5s it all seems so important but as they get older you realise as long as they are loved and well cared for it doesn't really.

Oh gosh sycamore, you are so much like me and dh - we are very very similar.

I really struggled with leaving dd2 as a baby and thought she'd suffer from it and push me asisde. But, you know what, I went away last week, for the first time in 3 years (just to Manchester) and she really missed me - I thought she would have been used to me being away from home but she wasn't. And she's 7 years old now. They love you unconditinially, however old they are and whatever you do (for the best!).