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My mental health has suffered from a manager's awful personality. I feel that I haven't recovered.

4 replies

Sawyer98 · 13/08/2022 22:00

Even though the workplace is lighter now that this person in question has left where we are, there are still residual effects from her. There are way too many things to list that she did and it wasn't entirely (but often was) directed at me as I know there were comparatively smaller issues that she had with others. She'd often have this irritable expression on her face and the amount of times I'd be fixed with a glare or a scowl from her are in the double figures.

One of the things she used to do was make me question my own intelligence. I'm not being arrogant, but I've recently achieved alot academically; I got my undergrad degree last year and I'll be doing a Master's soon, as well. But I did question it. She never mentioned that in relation to my degree, but it's how she made me feel. She recently said "This is what I mean! You don't think things through!" about something tiny that she had to answer the help bell for, as if I'd just crashed a bicycle into a glass pane or something.

She used to make me worse, more mistakes were made around her simply because of her presence and she wouldn't hesitate to tell me about these things in this jobsworthy, nitpicking manner. I felt like telling her that alot of it was her that was causing me to be like this; I couldn't think straight when she was around, tasks were harder if she was around, sometimes she'd literally stand there and watch you.

Whenever she was around, I used to do this thing in my mind where I'd kind of brace myself - it was a very uncomfortable experience, being around her - even if I wasn't doing anything wrong, I was bracing myself. I felt so on edge at work all the time, unable to relax, unable to say what I wanted around others on days that she was in, either. I'd actually be a bit 'socially constipated' when she was around.

Even at the best of times, she made me feel uncomfortable. It's not just me that's said this - she was on a huge power trip, always exaggerating things and their consequences, her ego and her self-importance were very evident. She loved an argument with somebody and loved the opportunity to assert her position over a 'subordinate'. The amount of times I'd frantically hurry around in a panic, trying to right something that I'd done mildly wrong because I thought that if she found out, it'd be another opportunity for her.

On the days that she or the manager (not much better, she let her get away with it all) was in, I used to hate going into the staff room to the point where I'd avoid it as much as I could; often, she'd be in there. I always felt the atmosphere when I went in there. I'd start my shift by just going where I needed to go without going into that room and I'd just carry my belongings in my pockets or leave them in my car.

So, I went into the staff room yesterday after I finished my shift. It was empty and even though she of course wasn't there, I had this feeling come over me when I went through the door when I went in there, I actually had to make a conscious effort to try and get rid of it. It's hard to describe, but it was a negative feeling, kind of like that bracing feeling again. I don't want to be dramatic by saying that I'm mentally scarred or something by her, but, in reflection, there's definitely some kind of effect from her.

I don't even like speaking to the manager that much; as I said, those two were very close to the point of picking each other up and going to work together, turning up forty minutes early. I have no trust in her at all, so I'd never speak to her about it - I almost certainly know she'd only talk me down and downplay the entire thing.

I don't really know how to get back to a good minset.

OP posts:
Myfirstcarwasamini · 16/08/2022 14:20

I'm sorry OP that you've had such an awful time. Try to take comfort that you had the courage to stay in your job when this was going on and now that she is out of the picture you can continue in your job afresh. I'm wondering whether you have an Employee Assistance Programme where you could talk to somebody in confidence about how this has made you feel?

As you say, she has gone now but you are left with a lot of really uncomfortable feelings from the whole experience. Voicing them aloud to somebody else may just help to dispel them. Do you have an HR department? Could you speak to somebody there in confidence about how you are feeling now?
It sounds as if you instigated a coping strategy and there is a muscle memory activated by your surroundings. Perhaps when you feel that sensation happening, can you think of something that does makes you feel good, a hobby, a person, your pet, anything that brings about happy thoughts so as to try to replace the previous feeling? Or just imagine, wacking a cricket ball (with her face on it) with a really big cricket bat and you striding forward feeling brave and happy. Time is a healer, as it goes by hopefully, her negative history and energy will be replaced by a more positive vibe in your workplace. Good luck OP.

BasiliskStare · 16/08/2022 14:30

She has gone - I would try to get over this. Keep breathing and doing your job & say as leat as possible unless it becomes necessary

Sawyer98 · 22/08/2022 21:47

Myfirstcarwasamini · 16/08/2022 14:20

I'm sorry OP that you've had such an awful time. Try to take comfort that you had the courage to stay in your job when this was going on and now that she is out of the picture you can continue in your job afresh. I'm wondering whether you have an Employee Assistance Programme where you could talk to somebody in confidence about how this has made you feel?

As you say, she has gone now but you are left with a lot of really uncomfortable feelings from the whole experience. Voicing them aloud to somebody else may just help to dispel them. Do you have an HR department? Could you speak to somebody there in confidence about how you are feeling now?
It sounds as if you instigated a coping strategy and there is a muscle memory activated by your surroundings. Perhaps when you feel that sensation happening, can you think of something that does makes you feel good, a hobby, a person, your pet, anything that brings about happy thoughts so as to try to replace the previous feeling? Or just imagine, wacking a cricket ball (with her face on it) with a really big cricket bat and you striding forward feeling brave and happy. Time is a healer, as it goes by hopefully, her negative history and energy will be replaced by a more positive vibe in your workplace. Good luck OP.

Thanks for your kind words, My firstcar, my email didn't alert me to your response. To be honest with you, I was trying to get out of the job for quite a while. With regard to the employee assistance program, I've had a couple of talking sessions with these councillors that a charity provides, so those may help.

It's such a relief that she's moved elsewhere and as you say, I did seem to have developed a coping mechanism. I really don't know how I stayed in that position while she was there, every Monday and Thursday with her would be an absolute ordeal. I'd just stand on the checkouts, hoping she's as far away as possible and wondering where the next glare or telling off is coming from.

You mention some good techniques, the baseball one was particularly good haha!

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Myfirstcarwasamini · 23/08/2022 08:14

You’re welcome OP. I’ve had a few similarly stressful times over the years. I know now that with every negative experience I became a bit stronger having got out the other side. I think about that strength being a gift. You’ll be ok I’m sure.

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