Advice please...am I working too much?

[HighSir]

This evening as I put my 6yo daughter to bed she said she misses daddy (he's currently away on 'lads weekend'). She said she isn't used to spending time with me because I'm always working but daddy is always there.
Myself and husband both work full time but his job is much more flexible meaning he does school pick up and spends time with her after school until I finish, usually 6/7. She never wants me to take her to bed and I find once I'm home from work I'm doing housework, lunch boxes and the boring mundane home life stuff.
I miss spending time with her but didn't realise it had this much impact on her.
I spent so much of her early years with her only working very limited hours and felt now she was a little older I could start to focus on my career, I'm now regretting my choice, as much as I enjoy my job my daughter is my priority.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, how can I make things right, I have serious mum guilt, partly because I've made this choice and secondly because I hadn't noticed the impact it's having on her.

If he also works full time, when does he fit in the hours?

He starts earlier in the day. I do breakfast club drop off. Then head to work, I work slightly more hours than he does.

6/7pm finishing means you're just not part of her world really. It isn't something I would choose. How can you fit in the nurturing side of motherhood if you only see her at weekends? Just because she's not a baby doesn't mean she doesn't need you. The physical need has gone. Her emotional need for you will only get greater actually. I would rethink things now she's told you.

I think this is a slight exaggeration! Of course OP is part of her DD's world.

OP, what are your plans for the summer hols? Will you have any time off?

Can you jiggle your hours to be able to do the pick up on Fridays?

Or make sure you're back by 6pm latest as often as possible?

A 7pm finish would wipe out so much time- look it’s not anyone trying to make you feel guilty, but realistically speaking during the week if you can’t have an evening together you will inevitably be a little distant. And I would say this to both mothers and fathers.

maybe another way to look at it, is how present are you at the wkends? Holidays? Thanks to technology can’t you FaceTime her briefly after school etc.

Yes, I phone/facetime her everyday straight after school to ask about her day and am there most weekends, the odd weekend during the school holidays I'm working to allow me more weekdays at home with her. I try to finish early every Friday to take her to evening activity and if I can't take her I'm always there for pick up.
Stupidly I never knew it would impact her so much. I'd already planned a lovely girlie weekend with her whilst OH is away and feel now that's just not good enough for her.

Aw op l really feel for you - trying to get the balance right is so hard and you only have to come on mumsnet to be advised not to give up your independence and pension etc but if you can afford to drop some hours, maybe you should until she is older. You never get this time back and l am sure you would hate to regret it. It would show her how important her feelings are to you.

If you can drop some hours safely (in terms of affordability,career progression etc), that would be good for both of you.

If not , prioritise. Skip the chores that don't really need doing. Have her hanging out with you(if she's not in bed) while you do some,helping,messing about,talking about her day,her reading to you etc. or if you can leave them for later/get your husband to do some of them.It doesn't have to be all days out and memories, make time for laughter,cuddles,just being together.

Make sure you spend 1 2 1 time with her at the weekends,and if possible have one regular activity,like swimming for example. A time when you have fun,all your attention is on her and you can talk about stuff and be silly.

Try not to beat yourself upabout it - life is a juggle.

short term make the most of your girlie weekend and do girlie things that she wouldn’t do with her dad- paint your nails, face pack, baking etc
longer term look at what can be juggled eg can you do an online shop, get a cleaner, do one bedtime in midweek etc

I agree with the pp who says skip the chores. They can be done when she's in bed. Spend that precious time with your dd, or it will be gone in a flash. Literally only a couple of hours ago I was thinking 'where did the time go?' Mine's 23 now.

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to make the most of our weekend together and start doing the chores after bedtime. Think I need to start a weekly planner setting a day/ few hours of 'our time' to give her something to look forward to. If things are still impacting her I may need to have a serious think about the job.

Looks like the balance has tipped too much towards your work. Try and change hours worked. I know it's difficult and I have struggled myself with this, whereby I think that I have a great amount of time with them but in kid world a 6 or 7pm finish is the end of their day and the truth is you missed it.

Try and do whatever you can to tip it towards time with your kid.

Terrible platitude coming but they aren't little forever and your memories with your child will be worth more ultimately.

I don't think you're working too much but I think you need to prioritise the non-working time differently.
If DH spends time with DD after school, then you should be taking over from him once you do get home. I'd suggest you should alternate sorting bedtimes and the one not on bedtime duty gets on with making sure the kitchen is clean after dinner/sorting lunchboxes/putting a wash on. Any other "boring mundane homelife stuff" (how much of this is there really on a day to day basis?) is done after she is in bed.
I'd also try to spend some 1:1 time with her at the weekend.

Well you can't be two places at once. Your priority is where you spend most of your time.