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Original poster

Gravely unwell parent and work rights.

29 replies

whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 21:22

Recently my Dm was admitted to hospital.
I work v long hours so couldn't visit.
Others in my family did and relayed to me serious issues with her health.
She discharged herself under the proviso she can return if her condition worsened.
She can't make the stairs or bathe herself and is forgetting her meds and sounds dreadful.
I have mentioned to my boss she is v unwell.(im not sure if she is dying.) But 80 now.
Annual leave is on hold as we are short staffed and have been for ages.
What rights do I have ? I'm not the only child.I only want to help her but can't do much with back to back 12 hour days.
I know there is unpaid leave for dependants.
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 15/07/2022 21:30

If you take time off work to see your mum what exactly will you do for her? Can you not go and see her on your day off?

Ilikewinter · 15/07/2022 21:35

Unless you are a registered carer I dont think you have any rights to time off.
I think all you can do is explain the situation to your employer, dont work outside your contracted hours and if things get tough you could always go off sick.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 21:35

Yes end of next week.
My dsis, s are taking it in turns to help her and badgering me to help too.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 21:40

I likewinter thanks.
That thought crossed my mind.
When df was dying I had just started a new job so only made it out days before he passed .

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 15/07/2022 21:43

when you say your siblings are taking it in turns to help her, what exactly are they doing?

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 21:47

Cooking,washing keeping her company one is going to wash her hair.checking she takes her meds.
She is v unsteady on her feet and breathless.
We are v concerned for her.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 15/07/2022 21:50

But these things aren't going to improve. This is the way it is now. So taking some short term leave will mean you can help on those days but what about the next 10 years going forward?

Your mum needs a proper care package put in place. Contact your local adult social care department on Monday and ask for an assessment.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 21:56

I highly doubt she will last much longer.She has multiple infections amongst other things and advanced cancer that was in remission that she now doesn't want investigating to see if it is back.

OP posts:
Treaclex69 · 15/07/2022 22:05

Are there any other family members that can help take the strain ? In the last few years before my mil passed we all tried to step up and help where we could but in the last months and weeks it all fell on only 3 of us ( very large family ) it was draining and exasperated by the pandemic. She needed 24 he care no chance of outside help so we had to rope in grandchildren ( adults ) to help too. It's not ideal but I'm so thankful that I could be there when she needed and to give other family members some respite. If you're sisters are nagging you they are probably really struggling. If you can take some unpaid time and you don't think she has long it's important you do spend some time with her Flowers

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 22:25

Yes large family which is why I feel I should help and do my bit.
I will admit to being time poor though.She only came home this week and are adamant family can cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatisforteamum · 15/07/2022 22:38

Sorry to hear that treaclex69.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 15/07/2022 22:41

Seriously just go off sick with stress- it would be true. Be there for your mum in her last days. Work can wait.

Ilikewinter · 16/07/2022 05:37

Was she not assessed in hospital, or not because she self discharged?

When MIL was unwell and in /out of hospital an assessment was done which triggered a care package being put in place because she wasn't able to get out of bed, cook wash etc without assistance.

The type of roles it sounds like you're doing you could try and get carers to assist.
That would help take the pressure off?

Oblomov22 · 16/07/2022 05:46

Why aren't you all addressing the core problem of her situation? Popping in to wash her hair is only the secondary issue. If she needs a carer or needs more support why aren't you and your siblings arranging that?

Whataretheodds · 16/07/2022 05:53

Have you thought about macmillan nurses or similar? They could look after some practical personal care needs.

Is there a compassionate leave policy? Would you rather take it at a time that you can still spend some of it with her.

Agree DO NOT work more than your contracted hours.

Original poster
whatisforteamum · 16/07/2022 07:32

My Mum is a stubborn lady.
My siblings think she has an infection to recover from although she has heart and mobility issues.
When mum asked if she could recover she was told she could.
As far as I can tell she is really unwell and they were horrified I mentioned care package as my dsis used to be a carer.I have coronavirus so hope to visit late next week.
Thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
Treaclex69 · 16/07/2022 07:47

Oblomov22 · 16/07/2022 05:46

Why aren't you all addressing the core problem of her situation? Popping in to wash her hair is only the secondary issue. If she needs a carer or needs more support why aren't you and your siblings arranging that?

Often families cannot bare the thought of a stranger caring for their loved one in what could be their last days. Also depending on finances and help available would depend on what level of care they could be entitled to and could simply be a morning and evening visit which no disrespect to carers is often rushed and carers are overworked and therefore forced to rush to get to the next time slotted person in need.
We couldn't access any care packages and even if we could it wouldn't have been in my Mil's best interests as she needed familiarity and in those last days she needed someone to hold her hand continuously to save her from distress and upset as she didn't want to be left and couldn't due to risk so often families have to step up and carry the burden of juggling their own families, work and being a carers on top.

Jalisco · 16/07/2022 08:04

I am slightly confused by your posts. You say that you mentioned the situation to your manager - have you actually asked for something, and what have you asked for? In the end you aren't entitled to time off I'm afraid, but it would help if you could explain exactly what you have asked and the circumstances - at one point you mentioned only just making it "out" to see your DF, so does that mean you are talking about going to another country? Equally, if you have Covid, then you aren't in work anyway, are you? It would really help if you could be clear exactly what you are asking for and why.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 08:31

Honestly, if my mum was dying I would go and get myself signed off with stress and spend as much time with her as possible.

Work can wait.

Jalisco · 16/07/2022 12:54

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 08:31

Honestly, if my mum was dying I would go and get myself signed off with stress and spend as much time with her as possible.

Work can wait.

Whilst I don't disagree with the sentiment - I'd do the same I suspect - not everyone can do that. Not everyone gets full pay for being off sick. Not everyone can live on SSP. And some people don't have enough service to prevent the employer from simply dismissing them.

I think it would be very helpful if the OP would provide the additional information to help people advise her better.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/07/2022 13:04

Whilst I don't disagree with the sentiment - I'd do the same I suspect - not everyone can do that. Not everyone gets full pay for being off sick. Not everyone can live on SSP. And some people don't have enough service to prevent the employer from simply dismissing them.

I understand that, but employers aren't obliged to give you time off for unwell parents, so we all have to weigh up the pros and cons here.

OP has asked about work rights - and unless her employer has a policy in place for (eg) compassionate leave then she's going to have to decide what to do for herself - either work and accept she won't see much of her mum and won't be as involved in her care and decisions, or take the time off and deal with the consequences later 🤷🏻‍♀️

There's not really any other option.

Inkerman312 · 16/07/2022 15:04

Read here

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

WorriedMillie · 16/07/2022 15:18

I can’t help with the work question, OP, but it might be worth getting in touch with your local hospice, even if just for some advice in the first instance?
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s so hard

Watchthesunrise · 16/07/2022 15:26

If your workplace doesn't have the basic compassion to allow you to help your mother and family whilst she deals with advanced illness...
...why are you giving your work so much of your life? This is your life! Don't live with regrets!!

Yesthatismychildsigh · 16/07/2022 15:35

whatisforteamum · 16/07/2022 07:32

My Mum is a stubborn lady.
My siblings think she has an infection to recover from although she has heart and mobility issues.
When mum asked if she could recover she was told she could.
As far as I can tell she is really unwell and they were horrified I mentioned care package as my dsis used to be a carer.I have coronavirus so hope to visit late next week.
Thank you for the replies.

Your sister is horrified at the thought of a care package as she used to be a carer? That doesn’t make any sense at all.
None of this is actually helping the situation. she needs a care package, for her own good.