DH work stress... walking on eggshells

[wherethemonkeyssing]

Currently struggling a lot with the impact DH's stress is having upon our lives. He is senior in a professional services firm and about to enter the partnership process which is notoriously long and gruelling.

He is unbelievably stressed about it - imposter syndrome, convinced he can't do it. He is completely disengaged from family life, we barely talk as he comes home late and works or goes to the gym. No joy in anything any more, lost a lot of friends as his group drifted apart when our kids were small and he couldn't go out and get drunk with them every Friday night. And is very snappy and critical of everything.

I am honestly utterly exhausted by the impact this is having on our relationship and family life and very worried about him. He is like a shell of his former self - he used to be so confident and outgoing. We used to have fun and people liked spending time with our family Now we don't as he is so detatched and doesnt want to do anything socially. He says it's the kids but to be honest it's work.

I've tried to convince him to write his CV and get away from his current employer and go to something less pressured in-house but he feels like he's spent 12 years of a career leading up to this point so he may as well continue. It is also having a big impact on my job - I am also fairly senior at my work and the travel has picked up again post Covid. Just had an email this morning to say that I need to be away at the start of September for 2 nights and I feel sick at the thought of telling him as he will go nuts about it and then his stress levels will increase even further.

He's a good man, he desperately wants to emulate his dad who was extremely successful professionally (but had a SAH wife who did everything at home for the kids) but has always been very calm and relaxed (because someone was basically doing everything at home).

I dont really know why I'm writing this but he is heading for a burnout or I am trying to keep everything afloat and shielding the kids from the stress. I never thought life would be like this.

It sounds very stressful OP. How long is this process to partnership and when he gets there will the stress reduce or increase? Is he feeling pressure to achieve what his father did perhaps? I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about the impact this is having on you all, perhaps he is so goal orientated he can't see. He will burn out from stress if he carries on like this.

Lots of sympathy from me. My DH went through the process last year and was ultimately unsuccessful and it was such a stressful and draining experience. I knew it would be (I'm ex professional services too) but it definitely had a massive impact on DH. Like you, I've told him several times that he should go in house or just step away for a bit as we can afford to live on my salary for a while but he seems very caught up in it and unable to step away. I'm dreading having to go through the process again this year.

It really is something for him to decide. It’s very hard period in his career and coincides with children. And children do add huge pressure. It’s certainly not nice for you to have to walk on eggshells and this exact situation often leads to divorce. All you can do is support and encourage him however you can without totally compromising yourself. If it goes too far then you need to tell him early you’re not willing to put up with this situation and let him decide what he wants to do in the face of that.

I’ve first hand experience of this and at times it’s very hard but I am quite independent and he is fundamentally a good man who beats himself up for not being able to do everything. So so far, I’m willing to tolerate the periods of walking on eggshells and buffering on his behalf.

And yes I’ve also had the in house conversation a number of times, testing if there was any appetite for it. But there isn’t and I can understand why.

So not only has he opted out if family life, he also doesn't respect your work and is taking out his stress on you. You say he's a good man, but his actions show the opposite. He's totally prioritising his job over everything else.

Thanks all for your responses @mynameiscalypso my biggest fear is that he will be unsuccessful and then this will carry on into another round of the process next year. I hope things work out for your DH this year.

@SilverGlitterBaubles the process takes about a year from start to finish but it even before then you have to prove that you're a potential candidate then go through all sorts of vetting, interviews etc. I think the pressure will be off slightly once he actually gets there but leading up has been hellish.

Lawyer?

if so honestly it’s like a cult.

its possible but HIGHLY unlikely he’ll give it up. And I think if you have children then yes it can only be sustained if one partner does ALL the domestic stuff. So I think you either decide you can accept doing that (and maybe that would work for you) or cut your losses and run.

im guessing he’s around late thirties? This is when people
show you who they’ll be for the rest of their lives usually.

you have my utmost sympathy