Voluntarily taking shorter maternity

[fledermausk]

Hi all,

I’m looking for some advice on maternity leave.

I’m considering taking 6 months, rather than the 12 months available. (8 weeks paid, 18 weeks half pay, 13 SMP, 13 unpaid.) This is partially because I’d rather not worry about finances, but mostly because I suffer with chronic anxiety and, knowing myself, I value a routine and function best with a known structure.

I wondered whether anyone had opted to do this, and whether they regret it? I’m mainly worried about judgement from family members/it seeming as though I’m a ‘bad’ mother, when I really feel I will be a better parent if I’m able to keep some sense of continuity.

Exactly. When my friends were having kids in their 20s, six months was the standard maternity leave. And they didn't get paid for all of it!

I took six months off with both DC. Financially, we couldn't manage with me being off longer or taking unpaid leave. Personally, it was a good length of time to be off. I was definitely ready to go back after having my second baby!

Everyone I know who has taken maternity leave and returned to work has taken less than a year. I took 9 months with the first and I will take 9 months again. I don't think it's that common to take a full year if you're planning on returning to work.

I don't think I know many people at all who took the full 12 months

Many 6 months, a few 9, a few 3-4

You should do whatever works best for you and your family situation

I went back after 7 months because I needed the adult company (lockdowns and deployed DP). However this was only an option for me as my work were desperate to have me back so I was able to arrange to go back 2 days a week for the next few months. I also had 2 days family childcare as I wouldn't have wanted to put him into nursery so early.
Would it be an option to do a phased return to work? Or use your accrued holidays to come back 'part time' for a couple of months?

With my first baby I felt exactly like you - I thought I would miss routine/structure etc and planned a short maternity leave. Once baby was here life was one huge routine- naps/feeding/activities etc and I enjoyed mat leave much more than I thought I would and extended it to the full year.

As PP has said - book the whole time off easier to do it that way round.

It’s not that unusual, either just for finances, or in smaller companies it can be hard to take a year.

6 months was standard until not long ago. Do what you want. Tell people it’s money if you think they’ll be judgy

If you want to go back for your needs, go ahead.
Will you be judged absolutely. If you don't even want to be with your own baby, preferring work and your supposed work routine, if course people are going to question why you're bothering to have a child, in the same way as those above will have been.
All of those saying they'll spend time later with their children really have missed dthe point of parenting. Once that time is gone, it's gone and the older they get, the less time you do get.
Ultimately, sending in at 6 months, means that you will miss all of the firsts, childcare providers may be kind to you and not tell you, but strangers will be we sing your child, seeing them sit toddle, walk, talk everything first.
So again, if you don't wish to raise your child, not wishing to at all put your own wishes second, you will be judged. Whether that impacts you, is up to you. And the fact you're mentioning this, makes me think that you do realise deep down that this is "wrong".

Please ignore @TheVillageElder . Nobody judges men who go back to work after 2 weeks paternity leave, it's perfectly possible to be a great mother and also work.

Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint. As long as the DC is well loved and looked after they can have more than one secure attachment.

You'll miss firsts no matter when you start back to work - I remember our lovely CM (childminder) pretending DS was taking his first step in front of me, when it was clear he had done it before. Not the end of the world, I'm sure she encouraged and praised him as much as I did when I saw him do it.

The only thing I would say is don't make any firm decisions ( unless you need to financially) before baby arrives and ideally not in the first few weeks. I think you need a clear head to make a decision and the reality of having a baby is usually different from how you think it might be, so don't force a decision at this stage.

I didn't miss any of my child's firsts, because I was there!
If you choose to be a parent, doesn't the child deserve the same level of dedication that all of these posters choose to give to their work, when they're young.
They're in compulsory education for 14 years. So expecting that a parent would actually wish to be actively present in their lives before this, isn't really unreasonable is it?
Why have a baby if someone else will be raising them?

I wrote a long reply but honestly OP, they’re just being goady.

I’ve been home everyday with my child. I missed the first time they rolled over because they did it when DH was changing the nappy. It didn’t make it any less special the first time I saw it.

OP, people will judge because they have nothing better to do. Grow a thick skin and do what is right for you and your family. It’s better that your child has a happy and healthy mother, if that means you need to go back to work then that’s what works for you.

I wouldn't normally say this but @TheVillageElder is talking a load of lentil weaving judgey nonsense

Stay at home and note all those firsts if that's you choice but to say that mothers who don't do that are deficient in some way is plain stupid

@TheVillageElder I didn't have a stay at home mum. I grew up watching my mum become the most successful anyone could be in her career, and it was so inspiring. I watched both my parents work hard and I admired them constantly for it. I was always proud to talk about my parents to my friends! I want my daughter to see me working hard in my career and believe she can achieve anything she wants. I spend a much quality time with my daughter when I'm not working (mornings, evenings anf all weekend) and she is thriving.

Please ignore @TheVillageElder as going back to work won't necessarily mean you will miss their firsts as each child will do them when they see fit.

My DD said her first word at 5 and a half months. She said it when both of us were present even though my DP was on shared parental leave and I was working. There as she didn't both walking until 13 months which she did with us and refused to do at her childminders until 2 weeks later when she tried to run.

Thanks all! I think given what’s been said I’m going to give notice of intention to take 9 months (I’d be unable to take the last 3 unpaid as my husband’s income wouldn’t stretch) and play it by ear mental health wise. I wasn’t sure if I was able to change my mind mid-way but now know that I could, if that’s what works!

I work from home and my job is entirely flexible around me — I can work my hours at any time as long as they’re worked — and we’re both really lucky to have parents who have already offered (and are delighted) to take on childcare around our schedules. My grandma did the same for me when I was a baby and we’re still so close as a result (she’s 90 now)!

Thats great OP - good luck with the baby.

@TheVillageElder - I went back early to afford a better house with a big garden for my boys to play in. They will grow up in the country side in a lovely village that I wouldn’t have afforded if I did not work.

It’s a choice I made for their benefit.

They also benefit from the social and cognitive stimulation that childcare brings.

And the same as @Sunsetred - I was always immensely proud of how hard both of my parents worked to give us what we had.

I am a much better parent for having gone to work and taken some time to myself. It’s unhealthy to think that just because you have kids that they need to be 100% of your focus.