Getting used to a bad boss?

[PurpleSky300]

So, I’ve worked in the same job for a long time (nearly 10 years) and always had the same manager.

Right from the first day, we had a very “erratic” relationship – some days he’d be friendly and chatty, some days he’d shout, snap, send angry emails etc. Everything was his way or the highway and he’d just turn, like a switch had gone off in his head. In the early days I spent a lot of time crying on the way home and having “Monday dread” at the weekend etc – I’d decide to leave but then he’d be nice again. He’d turn up to the office with a cake or start cracking jokes, and I’d let it go. He was well-liked by more senior staff which was another reason I didn’t want to say anything.

Anyway, fast forward 10 years. At least 4 people joined and left our team as a result of him - if not more – but they were all junior and again, nothing happened. Until we got a new middle manager who got the sharp end of this “erratic” side once too often, went to HR and bang, he’s gone. He’s out. And I feel relieved but I also feel quite sad, because I still feel loyal and a bit lost. I almost feel like you have to know him a long time to understand him and maybe he can’t really help how he behaves. I don’t know how to feel.

Is it stupid to try and 'work around' these people? I feel like you just get used to how they are and you forget it could be any different. I wonder if people who didn't know him would think he was controlling, etc.

I think this does happen. People make excuses for shitty behaviour for years and then someone comes in and stands up to them. You’re probably just missing the old set up as you worked there for years. And whatever issues he had were not yours to ‘get used to’ in a work environment managers have a duty of care and code of conduct.

Nobody goes to work to spend the journey home crying and the weekend worrying. Four people shouldn't have had to have left their jobs because of his moods. Cake and a smile don't cut it. I'm glad for any future employees that he's gone.

Sounds like, you have a kind of Stockholm syndrome.

It's a piss poor manager that takes out their mood on staff. Really shitty, knowing people 'below' you have to put up and shut up and daren't answer back.

It's not difficult to be adult, professional and speak to people in a civil manner. And it's a far better way of getting results and managing your staff. Of course he can 'help how he behaves'. He chose to be a petty bully by the sounds of it.

It’s been said before.

The thing is, he has been spoken to about this stuff. I’ve tried gently explaining that he’s ‘a bit harsh sometimes’ and I think other managers have too. Some days he’d listen and say “I’ll change my approach” but within a week or two, it’s back to square one. When he is angry, it’s impossible to get away or try and diffuse the situation because he’ll ring/message/ring/email until you answer, and trying to defend yourself in any way will make it worse. When it comes to the line of people who left, he’ll say “A was out of their depth, B didn’t take the job seriously, C wasn’t ready for the role’.

I guess what I’m saying is – I’m not blind to how unreasonable his behaviour was. Sometimes he would fly off the handle over the smallest things in a way that was unhinged, and it never changed in years and years. But I feel like part of him is totally oblivious and genuinely thinks it’s a THEM problem not a ME problem. Then I feel a bit sorry for him because he basically became notorious (for his moods) and he just does not see it.

That's it, that the root of it - being unable to speak to people in a civil manner. The more I think about it, the more it makes me angry.

The fact this appalling behaviour has been tolerated by your organisation for 10 years is clear evidence they are slopey-shouldered when it comes to engendering a good positive work culture. They've lost good staff. They clearly turn a blind eye and ignore what doesn't affect them personally. Lazy management.

it's up to you whether your willing to continue putting up with and making excuses for your manager's behaviour - it's no different to a romantic relationship, ignore red flags at your peril.

Organisational culture is shaped by the worst behaviour leadership is willing to tolerate.