how to deal with an avoidant boss (when you are new!)

[Metabigot]

Started new job, very clear at interview (arranged through agency) that the job was a step up for me and also a new industry. Job is managing a small department so mid-senior level (report in to a director, smallish company).

Boss seemed friendly at first but it's become very clear that she is just leaving me to my own devices and seems almost to be avoiding me .

Eg - never replies to emails even when I am just asking her to confirm my/her involvement in things for projects she's handed over half way through.

Told me to sort out a project in my second week when I knew nothing and that she'd be busy the rest of the week and then on holiday but wanted it ready for when she came back

yesterday, went in to the office (hybrid working) and instead of sitting with the team like she usually does she went to another floor.

I have asked for more support and she's put in 1:1s now ( but i had to ask for this she didn't put them in of her own accord) but something just feels really off. I don't think it's unreasonable if I'm working on something to just check in with her what my level of involvement is or what xyz means when I'm new.

It could be that I'm just used to being managed more closely and this is her style? But it felt yesterday like she was virtually ignoring me and all the time I've been there she's never gone and sat on another floor when she's been in. There was plenty of spare desks as its hybrid/hot-desking.

I've thought about leaving as it's really triggering me emotionally but hey I'm a big girl now and this is work and I need the experience/money so need to just pull my socks up really. This is a step up though so I do need a certain amount of support(or at least to know -where do I have free reign? where do things have to be done a certain way?) but WHY OH WHY would someone behave this way? Power trip? Test?

I had a week's pre booked leave in my third week there and when I came back she never even sent an email to say welcome back or anything or got in touch -I had to chase after her to get any contact - and its just weirding me out to be honest but I don't want to leave so what's the best thing to do. Any advice appreciated.

I've never haad an email from a manager welcoming me back from my holidays! I think you are expecting a bit too much there.

It possibly is her management style to be honest. It's good that you have 1:1's booked (even if you had to push for them!) and I would use that time to discuss the issues you have mentioned here, regarding your level of involvement etc.

You don't say how long you have been there but I wouldn't leave just yet, see what happens after you have spoken to her.

I think you need to be overly proactive and assertive. Book in more meetings with her, including regular 15 minute catch ups. Find her in the building and tell her how you're doing. Send regular emails.

Sorry, it's shit but it's not you, it's her. She may have stuff going on in her life that's making her behave like this.

Maybe so on the holiday one it was more that I came back in and had zilch contact from her and didn't know what I was supposed to be doing and I had a bit of an emotional reaction ( not publicly) as it felt like I'd been forgotten. Fully aware this is not a rational thought process but I've been suffering with depression lately and trying to not let it affect me.

I feel like I'm bothering her every time I email .. even practical things like sorting a payment and only she can authorise it. She never replies!

I'm honestly not sure I can work for someone like this long term I know that's partly my state of mind but I'm feeling fragile and it's affecting me. Maybe this job/manager is just not right for me right now.

Honestly, company directors are generally just busy. I've reported in to a few at different companies and none of them have actively managed me. Maybe you're expecting a bit more support than she was expecting at your level? Is there no way you can find out what you need to do the task by using your own initiative/being proactive and approaching other people?

Maybe at this level she's expecting you just to get on with it? It depends on your industry and the working culture, but this is very much how I'm used to working. It seems good she's not micro managing you.

If there is specific support or direction you need you're going to need to be specific about it. E.g. 'i need your input on x to know how to action y. Can we meet on Tuesday to discuss it?'

She has her own workload too and probably feels you can be trusted to do what you need to. Are there other colleagues you can get peer support from? Have you had induction?

Well yes, I'm just using my own initiative but it's more getting a defined brief etc. Even if the brief is 'metabigot, you have full free reign ok this' then I know I have free reign.

But if I don't even know the terms of reference...

Also it's very different picking up her half completed work than starting something myself from scratch.

She's been doing some work for this role as the Post was vacant for 6 months. Now I'm just expected to pick it up and this was never depicted as a 'hit the ground running ' role at interview it was clear it was a step up for me but they couldn't afford the pick of the market as someone with full experience at this level would command 10 to 15k more.

So they got me who was cheaper but less experienced.

I've asked for peer support and also got mentoring of my own accord through a management peer network organisation

You don't think she's leaving do you? Or looking to leave, hence having little interest in what's going on?

It might help if you can find out discreetly why the post has been vacant for 6 months, also the reason for leaving?

Yes, she probably has issues going on of her own, or she might be stressed or angry if the organisation has had her covering both roles for a time? - or she is leaving.

(I have encountered the same situation a number of times….other politics going on in the companies, managers dissatisfied and looking to leave themselves, all feeling very odd to me as a new employee, but no idea whats actually going on beneath the surface)

The previous poster has a good point, it sounds like there's more bubbling under the surface here than you are aware of as a newbie and a difficult office dynamic at play. Is there anyone you can scope out to tell you the real deal? It sounds like something has gone down before you started that you don't know about..either that or she's leaving anyway.

If she’s been in charge of a department that hasn’t had a manager for 6 months I’ll bet she’s exhausted and needs to prioritise other things now you’re in situ.

Getting emotional about your needs at work isn’t going to help you, I’d suggest as PPs have, to manage upwards and don’t expect her to constantly be checking in with you.

Thanks for everyone's advice. I know getting emotional about my needs can't help me but given that I can't help my feelings I'm just going to admit this job won't work and look elsewhere.

Maybe it's just not the right time but if I don't have the right relationship with my boss, I recognise the job isn't right for me.

She needs someone who doesn't need her and that's not me right now.

It's too soon to throw in the towel. Give it a chance. Many posters have made really sensible points. Many new jobs at a certain level are tough when you first start. Why not give it 3 months and see how you feel then? It might be a totally different picture. Sometimes you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

How often are your 121s and when is your next one ?

TBH I'd have put them in myself not waited for my boss to do it, but I guess there is more chance of her attending if she does it.

I'd go with a list of what you have been asked to do and get more clarity around it and try to get priorities.

Ask her what the best way to communicate with her is - appreciate she is busy yadda yadda - but as you're new to role you will need input from her. Some people prefer emails or Teams chats others like calls.

Don't throw in the trowel at least until you have another job.

That's a good idea. I'm going on holiday in August, then she's away. So end of August I'll reassess and it's always a better time to job hunt after the summer. If we're not deep in recession by then.

I need to sort my mental health out as depression is clouding my judgements.

I had a similar experience working at an SME. Forget what was said in the interview - that's long forgotten, you're there to do the job and the expectation is that you're going to be able to just get on with it. It makes some people stronger swimmers and others start to sink. Go into your 1:1s fully prepared to cover off all queries - avoid sending multiple emails.

Don't take a detached management style personally, but if it doesn't suit you then looking elsewhere might be the best option.

Just updating to say things have gone better today. She replied to some emails!! That's literally all I needed. Just a bit of the human touch.

Will try not to be too needy and always presume the worst. Have 121 next week so I'll go fully prepped.

Glad to hear things are better OP.

Can I suggest that you take the mindset that you have free rein with everything wrt your projects? That way you feel more in control. If you do something she doesn't want, I'm sure she will say something if it matters. Also, this will be a short term thing as over time, you will be developing your own projects and won't need the input.

However, if you have the mindset of asking for permission, then you will never feel more secure and keep relying on a manager that can't/won't/does have time to coach you.

It sounds like the step up you need to make is this thought process change. You can do it: they gave you the job for a reason. So own it! Ask for forgiveness, not permission and channel the (huge) confidence of the average mediocre white man :)

Oh and don't think of her management style as "the worst" think of it as freedom!

I had a boss like this eg the sitting elsewhere. Turns out he was utterly useless at his job and made to leave.

Thanks, this is good advice. I've been a bit 'mummy mummy look at my painting' ie seeking reassurance but I'm going to just get on with it now. I usually really really hate any form of close management but that was in former roles when I knew exactly what I was doing.

This job is a big step up both upwards and sideways but if I can crack it will take me next level and develop my ability to just get on with things fairly independently which is part of being in a more senior position.

Once I know what I'm doing and passed probation I reckon I'll love the freedom.

Few possibilities -

Could it be that she is out of her depth and doesn’t understand what you should be working on?

Is there much pressure on your department to actually do work? I’ve had a similar situation with a boss and it basically turned out there was no work for us to do… I managed to find projects and just made up my own work in the end.

Treating it as having free reign sounds like a good idea but make sure you inform her of what you are doing at all stages so she has opportunity to object. You do not want to get in trouble - cover your back!