Demanding job + kids

[hearmywomanlyroar]

Is it actually possible to do a demanding job and have young kids and not constantly feel like you're about to collapse with exhaustion/ have a mental breakdown? I have 2x DC preschoolers and work FT as does DH. Average day involves me getting up early and rushing to work (or logging on at home), working all day then rushing to pick up kids - dinner, bath, bed (multiple tantrums) - then logging back on, working all evening (grabbing a ready meal to eat), then collapsing in bed about midnight. I'm averaging 5-6h sleep a night but worse on nights like tonight when my younger DC refuses to sleep. No time for exercise and barely even walk on days when I'm WFH. Feel tired, stressed and seriously unhealthy. Is this just life with young DC or am I missing a trick/should I be doing something differently? We have decent salaries so could in theory afford to buy in help but I'm just not sure what form that would take. We already have a cleaner who comes once a week. Feel like maybe we should use weekends to get more organised but they just seem to rush by in a blur of kids parties and various family obligations. Hoping someone has some advice! Thanks

I have a demanding job and DC and tbh, I'm struggling. I get organised Sunday afternoon, prepare DC lunches for week ahead, dh and I sort out dinners but now he has returned to the office 3 days and it's just got more shit.

I like my job, and the company, but I struggle daily with throwing it in as some days I'm drowning and feel as though I'm letting my DC down.

Dh had a go at me yesterday for working at 8:30 pm but I'd lost time in the afternoon collecting DC, dealing with afterschool meltdowns, general chitchat.

Yeah this was me, I was struggling too. It usually ended in me being unwell every few months. Maternity leave was a great break 🤦‍♀️ but i'm now going back PT to start with, dreading the return to FT with an extra child now!

Feels like I traded having some time off to gain an extra child 😂. I don't know if there is really any other solution than time (the gremlins grow up). So waiting for someone (who doesn't understand) to say you have a DH problem and share housework more and LTB?. Issue is that there never seems to be less to do.

Also hoping someone has better solutions that my suggestions of more babies to benefit from mat leave 🙈. Sending love and much understanding fighting this endless battle

That is definitely too much. Can you cut back some evening work? Any family support you can tap into? Get a cleaner? I worked in a pressured job and was constantly juggling it all in the end it got too much and I now work part time in a non stressful leave it at work job. But we are skint.

This is why I’m dreading going back. Baby still v young but there’s a million threads on this lifestyle and it puts me right off! You can’t win if you work, can’t win if you stay home. It’s very hard.. I suppose the only improvement will be if you can throw some money at the problem - cleaner etc. But still it sounds miserable.. I’ve no advice other than they will grow up so at least you know it’s temporary! wishing you good luck xxx

Thanks for the replies. Not sure whether it's reassuring or depressing that others are in the same boat! Unfortunately my job isn't the kind of job you can scale back so evening work is pretty much a given - especially when I have to finish at 4.30 to collect kids. We've already got a cleaner so the house isn't completely filthy but it is messy as we don't seem to have time to tidy or put laundry away etc in the week. Feels like something's got to give but I really don't want to quit my job and nor does DH. But maybe I'm being too stubborn and should just accept that I need to make this sacrifice for the benefit of all the family- but then the feminist in me thinks why should I? But I also don't want to be exhausted and stressed all the time...

hold your nerve until school age, it gets much easier because the children are easier. Choose a primary with amazing wraparound, and sack off family obligations at weekends as much as possible. You can get healthy-ish ready meals. Try a laundry/ironing service, and make sure your DH pulls his weight.

it does get easier, you’re in the shittiest bit. We are now out the other side and things are fine. I am very glad we have two good incomes at the moment!

Is there anything to be done about the 4.30 finish to pick up? We both have full on full time jobs, although only one child. My take is that this is partly just how it is at this stage, and the reassuring thing is that it has got better as my child has got older (9 now). But dropping out at 4.30 would have driven me mad and made it feel so stressful - work is obviously never finished, but when I have had to do that it has felt hanging over me. If there is later childcare available - even if you have to get in a waiting list and hold on for a bit - my take is that it is less time with the kids, but it could be less harried time.

Instead of it as well as a cleaner what about a mothers help type person (hate that phrase, but can’t think of a better one!) someone who will collect children from school, cook a few meals, tidy up, bit of laundry. Or a nanny who will remove some of the pressure with the children to free you up to work and hopefully finish a bit earlier as a consequence of not having to break off. To be honest I’m agog at the notion of working so many hours but that’s probably why I just earn an average salary

Get a nanny! You need someone to do those pickups and get the early evening session covered. Then you can work normal hours and you’ll have less logging on later in the evening also. A nanny will do mornings so your start to the day is less frantic and then return for the evening, if nursery is involved (and do pickups etc).

it’s really hard but that’s what I did. It was expensive yes but it’s for a fixed time until school and afterschool clubs kick in. Gets a lot easier then (but it’s still with its challenges!). I am a single parent.

Totally feel for you OP. We have three under 3 and I work in a senior leadership role as it has been the only way for us to afford childcare (nanny for babies and top up nursery for toddler). That feels like a choice but it really hasn't been - one salary isn't enough to meet costs and it's still just enough hours to take the edge off for 7 hours of a much longer working day. Evenings and weekends are exactly as you describe. Also nights and mornings, which start at 5am. Very occasional family help from my side, but from DH's they turn up, expect a three course lunch and afternoon tea and then congratulate us on how much harder it would be if we had to travel to see them (as if there wasn't an alternative to give us a flipping break).

It's too bloody much and we have the nanny. I agree with others that you might want to look into this. I'm looking for a new home-based job - the only other thing I can think of that might help.

We are in a similar position. My partner works evenings but I never ever do on principle. The only way we feel vaguely human is because we both wfh. Absolutely no way I could handle it with a commute and evening work. The house is OK as we have a cleaner who does superficial tidying. When we get the free hours of nursery when my oldest turns three, we're doubling the cleaner's hours so we can include laundry and more tidying. It's tough but it's so much easier than being a full time mum imo. I was basically depressed looking after two under two full time. I love working full time.

There is something to be said for ‘it does get easier’. When the kids don’t need collecting for example.

However I don’t honestly think you can have it all and ENJOY and appreciate it all through the exhaustion all the time.

Tips

Childminders are ideal for families with working parents. Really useful for extending the working day and can be sort
of buIlt in play dates for primary age children.
also tend to give snacks after school so you don’t collect ‘hangry’ children, for pre-schoolers they take care of activities some structured learning and naps. Ours was a godsend.

I do think you both need to be boundaried about working within childcare hours whenever possible. For all your sakes.

I also recommend minimum shared house hold tasks- split by entire task not half task with DH. Eg if the washing is his domain you can let that overhead go from your head and hands likewise he can forget about weeding the garden or what ever.

One always do the morning childminder run, the other the evening, again extending both working days.

One does bathtime one does bedtime.

One cooks, one cleans up after. Whatever.

Oh and goes without saying really online food shopping with home delivery!

I think it's only possible if you have a great support network for childcare/household tasks etc otherwise no,

My friend and her husband had jobs that frequently required overnights away, evening out or breakfast meetings. They had three kids and only way to do it was live in nanny.
Child care is your biggest issue (and it doesn't stop when they start school).
You need to put them in daycare/nursery that has longer hours, get someone else to collect them, or cut your (and/or your husband's) work hours. It's pretty black wand white - no amount of organisational skills is going to add extra hours to the day.

Thanks so much for all the advice. I think we really do need to get some extra help in - after school nanny type thing would be ideal. Not sure how easy it is to find someone who wants to work those hours but we could at least look into it. Geography is a PITA as my mum would absolutely help but we live 100s of miles apart. Solidarity to all the other parents in the same boat. TFI Friday (although most likely will have to work over the weekend...)