What do I need to do to sort this out?

[WoodenClock]

I have some ideas, I promise I'm a decent manager really, but I'm looking for somewhere to bounce ideas around.

DH died last year after a fairly traumatic 6 month illness. We have teen children who have obviously found the whole thing difficult.

I didn't have much time off until the last month, although employer did allow me to work quite flexibly. I had very little time off after he died and I should have taken longer. I struggled on for about 4 months, but then had to admit defeat and took 4 weeks off sick.

I'm back at FT work now, getting back to my usual self but every day is still a struggle and one of my DC has really gone off the rails, which whilst nothing to do with work, has a huge impact on me and my capacity

Anyway, during the whole thing my boss and my colleagues had (I thought) been brilliant. They kept telling me how amazing I was and were incredibly supportive, taking on extra and often just picking things up without telling me. This was a mixed blessing because whilst it definitely took the pressure off at the time, it's left me feeling out of the loop now I'm getting back to normal.

I had seen it as a mixture of good people doing nice things, people I'd previously gone above and beyond for repaying the favour in really hard times and some people taking the opportunity to develop their CV (which is fine and good).

Anyway, I'm now told, by my boss, that my entire team is unhappy and feels they've picked up work I should have done, that I'm not pulling my weight. They definitely have stepped up, but inthight they done it willingly and I've expressed gratitude very many times. I took wine after my sickness absence! They all want pay increases and have lost respect for me, apparently, although none has said any of this to me.

These are people who have almost all be promoted into roles I supported and trained them for and for whom I have always had a very supportive and flexible management style. I never say no to a school assembly or sports' day, for example and I seek out career development opportunities for those who want them.

Obviously, if they're unhappy, there's a problem I need to solve, but atm I'm so upset by the whole thing I can't plan objectively. What I'd really like to do is get a doctor's note to cover my notice, but I have DC to support...so what else do I do?

I'm sorry for your loss. I'd get a new job and a fresh start. Nasty lot kicking you when your down.

In the meantime have you got the strength to sit down with people with an "I want to learn" attitude? Ask for constructive comments and write them down. Don't use it as an opportunity for excuse making but surely anyone can see that a 6 month period of illness and subsequent death of your husband is not a long standing issue.

The pay issue is a separate thing. I'd be distancing your "fault" for this. If people have certain responsibility they should be paid a fair wage. Cost of living increases means everyone is after a pay rise!!

Wow, I can't believe your manager would tell you this and I can't believe that your team would say these things. They must be lacking in any empathy whatsoever.

I can understand them being resentful about taking on extra work but - like in the case where my boss was more or less out for a few weeks for her terminally ill DF- that's when you need to put up and do your bit. If it's too much then speak to your managers manager fine , but not to complain about someone whose DH is passing away.

Would you get full pay if you get signed off? If so I'd suggest you do that and take a good few weeks.

Thank you. I'm glad it's doesn't seem to be generally unreasonable to have stepped back a bit.

Over the last few weeks I had started to think I was back to my old self and "on it" again. This feels like a huge set back and I'm not even sure I want to do a good job any more, but recognise that's cutting off my nose to spite my face!

How about another conversation with your boss?

Say what you've said here, how distressed you were to hear this information. Ask her/him what you think you need to do going forward, bearing in mind this is all still raw to you and you're doing the best you can.

Yes, I need to talk to boss. Until now she really has been very supportive, but I suspect she's starting to think it's gone on long enough and is sympathetic to the complaints.

I'm tempted to ask/offer to go PT, then those who've taken on some of my duties can keep them, have their roles re evaluated and possibly get their payrises (with the money my reduction in hours releases). However, I suspect that the nature of the work they've taken on won't really affect their grading, they've taken on tasks not responsibility iyswim.

Plus there's an obvious financial impact on me, but I am finding I just don't have the emotional strength/capacity to put in a full week.

DS (the one who's struggling) has had an accident today. He's OK, but quite battered and distressed and it has absolutely knocked me for six. It's times like this, when the hugeness of being the only person who's "there" for DC becomes completely overwhelming and I can't focus on anything else.

Hopefully I'll get used to it and it will pass, but atm when stuff happens with DC, I find it really hard to focus on anything else and I used to be someone whose personal life never interfered with work, ever.

I can see both sides and I'm sorry for what you're going through. The team shouldn't have to pick up your slack, can any more resource be bought in?