How to avoid conversations at work about babies and TTC

[NervousMary]

Hi all,

I’ve had a really hard day and I need some advice.

My colleagues kept talking about how much nursery fees have gone up recently in comparison to when they had their children.

I can’t actually afford to have a baby (first baby) because I don’t get paid enough to cover nursery fees.

There is no way I feel comfortable TTC without being able to afford nursery fees. I’m 33 and I’m really anxious that I can’t have children because of money and I’m worried about the effect that age will have on my fertility. Thinking about it, it makes me want to cry typing this post.

And I wanted to cry when they were talking because it made me feel so helpless. I feel like I’m being pushed to move jobs.

Separately, I’ve asked to have a pay review. My boss is “looking into this”.

Anyway, I didn’t cry and just moved the conversation along, but I don’t want to end up in that conversation to begin with.

I really like my job and my colleagues but I’m actively job hunting because I can’t let my family planning decisions be governed by work, it’s not fair. At the same time, I’m working full time and
I am married and husband is working full time too. How does anyone afford children?!

Anyway, all of this to say: how has anyone else managed to avoid these conversations about TTC and nursery costs?

I really don’t understand this post, or should I say why it is an employment issue. If you don’t want to join in a particular chat at work, you don’t have to surely.

Regarding the right time to start a family, there are probably forums where you will find more tailored advice.

Your colleagues aren’t asking you about your TTC plans and it sounds like they are making idle conversation about the cost of childcare, which is expensive. Childcare costs have increased, as has everything.

I’m currently on maternity leave and looking for a higher paid job to help with the costs (and cost of living). However, if I don’t get a new job then paying for childcare is a lot of playing with numbers until something works. Everyone has to do this. You and your husband both might have to do compressed hours so you’re only paying for 3 days of nursery. Or you look if you can stagger your working hours so they only do half days. Or you look at reducing your hours slightly whilst working out the cost of childcare. Or you give up work. Or you look at a childminder rather than a nursery. Or you accept that you can’t send them to the fancy nursery but can send them to the more basic one and feel guilty. Or probably some combination of the above. You just keep adjusting the numbers until something is workable, not great but you can survive.

The fact is, if you sit down and work out the figures, no one would ever have a baby or retire. The reality is having a child is expensive but you both have jobs and many others in a similar situation have children.

When finances do become relevant is having 3 or more children e.g. most cars seat 4, family rooms fit 4, 3 bed house etc. so the 3rd child means a bigger car, etc.

You can't dictate what your colleagues choose to talk about and it doesn't sound like they did anything to remotely put you on the spot/ask if you were TTC.

HTH

Even if you did move jobs, how do you know it would be different eslsewhere? People do talk about these things, you have just got to accept that.

If two of you are working full time, that is more than some people who have children do and they manage.

I mean this kindly but i think you are overthinking this as you are most likely distressed about the expense of starting a family. It is good that you realise the financial implications but you are still so young.

And btw i think there is still free nursery age 3.

I'm 38 on maternity leave with baby 1.

I actually started saving at your age so I could afford it. I put by a little a month.

No advice on the conversations except just go and make a drink?

I work in a fairly well paid profession and none of my colleagues could afford full time child care but we just make it work.
For us, it's no more house renovations, no holidays at all and heating on much less during the winter until we reach the 30 free hours at 3. We've also changed our mortgage to a longer term so the monthly costs are lower for a few years. We'll then change it back.
Others work part time and to afford it or split shifts with the other parent.
You'll find a way! I personally think it's important that people talk openly about the cost of childcare - it's an issue that's constantly ignored by government and we need change!

Some people take out loans to pay nursery fees to spread the cost over 5-10 years.

You need to start saving hard now, a very frugal lifestyle perhaps to see how little you can actually live off.

@NervousMary
Im afraid that this is one of those issues that you're probably going to have to suck up.
Childcare is expensive. You cannot veto a topic purely because of your issues. Sadly, even if it was as a result of losses etc, people will naturally eventually go back to discussing these things as they impact them.
If you don't earn enough then you need to make some touch decisions. Move somewhere cheaper? Retraining for higher income? Second jobs? That applies to both of you. Cut your costs and expectations of living standards.

Equally, review whether you'd be entitled to any top up benefits.
Children are expensive. It's not just the childcare.

Can't you stick on headphones / music / white noise to avoid conversations you don't like? I do this all the time. My office mates could spend 20 minutes on any of these topics: head of dept reorganisation, beer, rugby, technical issues, DIY gossip, other home improvement gossip, political nonsense, conspiracy theories, annoying celebrities...

On go my headphones, turn up loud, done.

Consider a childminder, often a cheaper hourly rate and IME a more personalised family orientated experience

I don't really understand your post personally? Most of us have nursery/childcare fees which cost more than one parents wage? You find a way trust me. It's not like you are infertile or suffered a loss presumably so getting upset about what they talk about is being a bit dramatic if I'm honest?