Perception at work

[Lifeishard6]

Title encapsulates how I feel right now and tbh how I’ve felt for a good while.

I started a new job several months before lockdown ended and as such did 6 months WFH and after moved to hybrid WFH/office.

Had good feedback early days then my confidence dropped a bit when we had to return to the office and I felt like it was difficult fitting in with some of the other personalities. Things rose to a head and I made some small mistakes and was taken aside and asked what was going on. I apologised, explained and would say that now everything going well again. It is typical for me to work 50-70 hour weeks and can be high pressure with quick turnarounds.

I now feel judged on this brief interlude and like I’m seen as a ticking timebomb or inconsistent. The irony is I now feel like I fit in well into the team, I definitely do really good work sometimes and this is all building my confidence. I overheard a comment made about my compared to a male coworker yesterday: the consensus was that he was “storming ahead” while I needed to be checked to make sure I didn’t drop the ball. Feel hurt and under appreciated as objectively I have no reason to believe he is any better than I am or produces higher quality outputs; he is more polished and “one of the lads” but that’s where it stops.

as I say things are going very well again, I’ve had good feedback / no bad feedback (and it is definitely the kind of culture where people wouldn’t shy away from bluntness) and have proactively asked for follow ups to check in on things going forward.

I want to stay in the role, it can be very challenging but I enjoy it and am good at it. I am worried that now I am perceived negatively (or at least not very positively), can and will this change? Do I need to move in order to be regarded as a credible asset to the team?

Further to all this, I challenged myself and went to a (non work connected) social yesterday which involved playing word games in a medium group of people and having to speak at them for a minute or so to describe what I was doing. They were generally quite gobby and confident (I’m confident when I relax and when I know a group; knew barely any) and I messed up my words a few times / got flustered. Saw a few of them exchange looks and definitely felt like the weak link. I wanted to prove myself somehow, I’m very academic, not stupid, just nervous and I wanted to scream this at them. It just reinforced my feelings of being “less than” or that I don’t fit in, despite attending on other occasions and feeling like everyone was so welcoming and things were going well.

in a nutshell I feel completely useless and like a massive failure. Can I claw anything back? I just feel completely humiliated and like I’m always on the back foot trying to prove myself

Your experience sounds like a netflix series...No real advise here I just feel for you. The fact that they were being snarky when you were playing a game as well?? It kinda sound like a toxic place tbh (IMO). Are you the only woman there? If not how are the other women viewed?

Thank you. I’m one of a very few women there so not enough for me to make a general assumption about how women are treated. The games incident was actually a non-work, social thing with a different group of people - but highlighted to me that I must be the weak link if I’m the common denominator in both situations?

I guess what I’m asking is can I “turn around” how I’m viewed? Can I be viewed more positively? I know I’m good, equally I know I get flustered sometimes and perhaps don’t come across in the best way. I want to do well, I want to succeed and be highly regarded by colleagues and clients. I just feel like this is who I am now, this is who they think I am and it’s here to stay. Anyone have any tales of reforming or having a do-over at work?

hopeful bump

This sounds to me like low self esteem and low confidence. Did you have issues in the family or at school with feeling secure and confident? These issues can often be deep rooted.

You will be judging yourself many times more harshly than anyone else does and making a tally in your head every time you mess up as more evidence of how useless you are. Most other people won't notice. I should imagine the social event was nowhere as bad as you thought it was but you are overanalysing every incident.

Can you work on your confidence by getting some coaching? Advice given to me has always been to focus on the positive feedback and evidence that you're doing well. However for me this doesn't work as there's always contradictory evidence if you're looking hard enough for it. Counselling could also help to tackle some of the underlying reasons that the low self esteem is there in the first place.

Thank you, that’s really helpful.

and yes you’re quite right about contradictory messages being received if I look hard enough.

I have messed up a few times at work, not big things. In 18 months + of working there, I made some small mistakes on an assignment (which were negatively commented on, the stakeholder noticed etc); I was mortified and obviously apologised profusely and have taken steps to ensure it won’t happen again. I also messed up an internal seminar which I was underprepared for (humiliated about that one as it was very public and I looked stupid / felt very flustered in front of whole team). In a nutshell I feel like my mistakes are public and my victories are private and I have always been this way. At school, I was top of my class and very academic but this was reflected in exam results and pieces of work; teachers would take me aside and say how impressed they were but I’ve never been the most articulate person when speaking (definitely more of a written communicator) and I kind of feel this is the wrong skill set for the workplace. Better to be a confident speaker than privately good.

re your point about coaching, what kind of coaching would you recommend?

I feel at such a low ebb right now and while I accept that some of this is internal (within my head), it is a fact that my superiors have questioned how I feel. I actually took a week off for stress a few months ago (something which I have never done before in my life and ease exacerbated by the pandemic) and just feel like a loser really.

the bottom line is I do want to succeed and will give everything to give myself the best chance of doing so. I feel that I’m doing something wrong though, I must be, as everything has felt hard and I second guessing myself constantly. I also feel so embarrassed re my reputation / perception as it stands and a little lost

I agree that working on your confidence is key here. Whether this is with a career coach or counselling.

What sticks out from your post is how much you’re talking yourself down. You’ve made some mistakes but so what, everyone does occasionally. Everybody has to wing it sometimes. I’m sure the others have got things wrong too and been called out on it.

You need to move on from these instances and focus on your successes. Remind yourself of situations where you’ve done really well, or when you were worried about something and it turned out fine.

OP what have you done well at work? We’d love to hear 😀

Also remember that you don’t need to be the same as everyone else to be respected at work. You don’t need to join in with their games if it’s not your thing. Do you ever just chat with them? Do they know about anything you’re interested in outside of work?

That said I think it’s always worth evaluating whether you’d be bette off elsewhere. My last job was very long hours, a lot of responsibility, fast paced and with lots of people I didn’t really fit in with. I’ve got a family, a house and an allotment but everyone else had no responsibilities, flash cars and went out every weekend. I had friends but didn’t really fit in with anyone. I changed jobs to somewhere with people who were more like me and hours are much better. I enjoy the job a lot more and also get paid more!! I wish I’d have moved sooner.