Work battles

[snowkate]

I don?t want to work full-time, but my partner says that I need to keep full time status as a safety net. He often feels that he is on the brink of a breakdown, but has never taken ill because of it and always has long periods where he is OK. We would manage OK financially if I went part time, but he feels more secure with a full time income. As if he ever has to give up work if OCD gets the better of him, then I would be the only person bringing in an income.

We have a 17-month old daughter in full time nursery at the moment and it?s breaking me in two that she has to spend most of her time cared for by strangers (even if they are v nice). Part of the nature of my partner?s personality is that he exaggerates situations and always prepares for the worse case scenario that never happens. I love him to pieces, but this is really getting me down as I really want to spend more time with our daughter.

I?ve raised the issue, but it usually ends up in an argument about me not thinking or caring for him. I obsess about leaving him sometimes as it means I would have more control. But it?s something I would never do as when we?re not arguing, our relationship is a stable one and our daughter is thriving in it.

There?s a lot more to say, but this is basically the crux of it. I know that there are not a lot of things I can do without causing more friction and unhappiness, but this is really getting to me at the moment and I?d appreciate any words of advice or support.

Thanks

Feel for you snowkate - this is a really tricky one. If your dh is going to be very stressed by the feeling that your 'safety net' of fulltime employment is gone, then that stress will impact on your family life. Likewise, your stress at feeling you don't want your dd at nursery full time is going to take its toll. Would part time work for him be an option? This would enable you to feel happier that dd is being looked after by a parent for a greater chunk of time. Might it also take the pressure off him? Is it his work that contributes to his condition or would he be equally likely to 'go under' as a part timer? I think you need to keep talking and trying to find a compromise. If it were me, I would hang onto the security of your full time position for the moment (fulltime permanent positions ARE valuable). But maybe set a deadline - 6 months or so, by which you and DH agree to make some changes to your life so that you're both happier.

He's just taken on a caretaker manager role while the boss is on sabbatical and no doubt that is fueling the stress and insecurity.

Part time isn't an option at his place of work. He says that he'll stay at home and look after dd if he becomes ill & loses his job, but I'm not sure if he'll be capable of it. Or maybe it's just me wanting dd to myself!

We've always said that I would go part time after a 2nd child, but with two miscarriages and my age (late 30s), it may never happen and she's growing so fast as well..

I will stay full time for the time being and your suggestion that we should review the situation in a few months time is a good one. Is there any other couples out there who are conflicted by full time work and family life?

Has he asked about partime? Just thinking that the right to ask is law, flexible working stuff.

I am conflicted, I am doing 4 days at the moment, but thsi will have to go back up to full time, as we can't afford anything less. Dd is 18 months old. It pisses me off, as dp's ex pays hardly any support for her kids that live with us. If she paid more, I could work less, like she did when her kids were very little

I am very jealous of prople who have the choice

I often think I could work less hours, but DH is not really giving me the choice. Although he could go part-time legally, I think in his organsation, they kind of look down on that kind of thing, so it's really isn't a stress-free viable option.

He took 3 weeks off sick a few months ago (physical illness - nasty bout of gastric flu) and was covertly threatened with the loss of this job. So in a way, I can understand where his fears are coming in from.

Still, there's no real room for compromise as if we discuss it, it will end up in a prolonged and frustrating argument. Better not to mention it and preserve the peace. So frustrating...

snowkate, that sounds awful. If he's been threatened with losing his job, even covertly, then that's unfair and unlawful. However, I agree that the reality is that if an organisation is inherently unfair like this, it would probably be more stressful for your partner to try to pursue a case against them. But I still dont think you should give up on trying to discuss it and reach a better place than you're in now. Why not agree NOT to discuss the issues for a period - say for 3 months, you'll both get your heads down, carry on working F/T without either of you complaining, and then review things? I just think you're both storing up resentment and more stress if you carry on like this.

God, that is awful, does he like working there?

Perhaps another job might help him

Is his job causing the problem? If he was in a company with better conditions, his mental state might improve.

I had 5 months off work with a bad back, and a phased return, and no one said anything to me (the unions would have jumped on them anyway )

But if you set a time scale in which he could find a job with a better culture, then his OCD might calm down, and then you could go part time.

Sounds v much like workplace bullying to me

Snowkate, would your work consider compressed working so you could do a 4 day week with long hours ? That way at least you will get to see a bit more of your DS.

Plus I don't get the going p/t losing security argument. In our place you have to fight quite a battle to go p/t but I know they would be biting my hand off if I was rash enough to offer to go back to f/t, and I think its the same for a lot of places.
If doing condensed hours is not viable, how about going to 4 days, financially it wouldn't make a huge difference and shouldn't threaten your job, in fact would make you even more invaluable by showing you can do 100% of the job in 80% of the time.

It sounds to me like either both of you need Relate type counselling or your DP needs counselling on his own. It sounds like a bad situation for you and if it were me I would be very resentful and struggle to carry on as normal.