How to be less "negative"

[PenguinTherapy]

I’ve just been given some very blunt feedback about the way I come across in the workplace. Basically I’m far too negative, always looking at problems rather than solutions and as a result am obstructive to new initiatives.

For context, and I will be quite vague in order to not out myself nor my industry, I am in a senior management position, running a particular service area within a large organisation. The way our industry works is that every three years, on a rolling basis, one of our major stakeholders will take up a co-directorship position working alongside me to lead strategy and input into major decisions. This person does not have any line management responsibility over me, nor over members of my team. The role is advertised and recruited on a competitive basis and I actually argued against the current role-holder in her interview as, having worked with her as a customer/stakeholder of our business, I was aware that she has no people skills and I’ve previously lost team members due to the way she treated them. Unfortunately, the other panel members, including my boss, were wowed by her dynamic ideas and confident interview.

My team should consist of 19 people but I currently have 6 vacant posts and another is about to leave soon. A combination of covid and brexit hit our organisation hard and we’ve been in a recruitment freeze for a couple of years so I can’t replace posts when they go. This is not just happening in my service area but all across the organisation. At the same time, however, covid has increased the workload, making processes more complex than ever before and having to do lots of work in duplicate (we organise a lot of events, although the work isn’t strictly limited to this, and are having to organise both in-person and online contingency with the possibility of last minute change). My team are on their knees. Every one of us is regularly working unpaid overtime and we’re probably achieving about 60% of core duties noted in our job descriptions but this 60% is absolutely essential in terms of business needs, income etc.

My co-director gave me the negative feedback directly, following a sustained period of us regularly clashing. She has lots of big ideas and would like to put new initiatives in place, including much larger scale events and getting involved in various other bits of work. I can’t disagree with her ideas, they sound great, but I am stressed and worn out and so is my team. I simply can’t see how we can take on any more at this point. Additionally, from day one she came in with the attitude that everything we do is failing and we need to improve. She essentially wants to break down every single process and start again. We are a good team and we achieve a lot, even when under the pressure we have right now. I, personally, and the team as a whole, have won awards for our work so I will admit to feeling aggrieved and defensive by this attitude. I’m not one to keep things stagnant because this is how they have always been done but I also don’t see the point in change for change’s sake. She’s been through my job description and those of my team and pointing out all the things we are not doing and telling us we have to do it. I’ve explained over and over again the resource issue and have explained the decisions I have taken to prioritise certain types of work and why but she keeps saying these things are in job descriptions so we have to find a way. Obviously she also wants full cover for the missing posts too because just because we don’t have a dedicated person for a particular job shouldn’t mean we don’t offer the service. Members of my team are constantly complaining to me, not only about the way she speaks to them but about the infeasible amount of work she expects from them but, on the other hand, I’ve had team members thank me for fighting their corner and not cowing to her demands.

She has told me that I’m difficult to work with because of my negativity and she’s sick of hearing me talk about resource problems. I’m the type of person who values feedback, both positive and negative, and if there is a way for me to change the way the message is delivered without actually changing the message, I’d love for some ideas. I’ve spoken to my manager who 100% backs me on the resource issue, noting that this is widespread and we have to be selective in deciding what we can offer at the moment and what has to wait, but he did also say while he hasn’t personally noticed a problem, I might want to modify the way I come across if it is frustrating others.

Today, I’ve been in a series of meetings with other service providers who have knocked back requests for help and suggestions of new projects they might want to take on. I honestly can’t see anything different in the way they came across and the way I’m doing so. I hate that I’m being seen as being negative when in reality I’m working in the same way to everyone else.

For context, I genuinely try not to say a flat no to anything, aiming for “not yet” instead and giving a realistic expectation of when we might be able to do something but often that date will be a few months away and carries some caveats (e.g. if no other team members leave) and she says that’s as good as just saying no. There are some things though which are so outlandish and far removed from our remits, even if we were fully staffed, that I have had to say no and justify why. She has cited these situations as examples of my negativity.

Today, we had a meeting where she launched an idea to save members of my team considerable time and maximise efficiencies elsewhere. This involved stopping a particular workstream which she had observed as being needlessly bureaucratic, time-consuming and not adding much value. I was able to respond that this particular activity brings in around 70% of our income and cannot be dropped and that the processes we go through are actually government set and non-compliance could not only risk our income stream but could add substantial fines on top of it all. I did however take the time to sincerely thank her for having put thought into it and said we need to keep working in partnership to come up with more ideas to streamline work but her response again was that there is no point if I’m always going to react negatively.

I love my job (or at least I used to until she got involved at this level) and this situation is eating away at me. I’m open to all suggestions about reframing my communications. Please help.

You don’t come across negative in this post OP. You sound justified in being frustrated at the current situation and have said some of the changes could be beneficial if you had the resources. Could you steer her on to getting those resources or finding a solution to the problems rather than just highlighting the problems you can already see as no one is going to get any benefit from that. If she wants changes she can put on her CV then she needs to bring the rest of the package.

You sound very reasonable and self-aware and I bet your team is glad to have you looking out for them.

As your manager hasn't noticed anything wrong with the way you come across, do you think your co-director is taking your comments particularly personally? I guess this could be for several reasons. It sounds as if there's quite a history between you, with her making unrealistic suggestions, and you thinking from the beginning that she's not right for the role. She has probably picked up on this. And, as you're the one in the permanent position, with her there for "just" three years, she would in any case be in a challenging position as a relative outsider.

So, I'm wondering if you could try and bring her closer to you in some way and make the relationship generally warmer. Are your conversations with her generally tense? Are they usually in big groups of people, where she might feel under public attack when you question her ideas? Is there anything you could do to make the relationship between you more congenial, e.g. have more one-to-one meetings or go for a tea/coffee/lunch?

There are also all the obvious things about checking that your body language, facial expressions and wording are open and positive. (E.g. no crossed arms, trying to avoid frowning when she speaks, using "and" instead of "but"...)

I also did wonder if you are really as open to challenge and change as you feel. It's great that you've won awards etc. - you and your team have obviously done a great job. But, as you say, you are exhausted and your team is on its knees. It sounds as if something needs to be done differently, whether that's expectations and job descriptions, working practices, or something else. Your co-director might have the wrong ideas about what changes would resolve the problems, but it doesn't seem that this is necessarily a case of change for change's sake. I wonder if you could try building on her ideas a bit more to continue the conversation more constructively. For example, when she suggested stopping the workstream that she saw as bureaucratic, it sounds helpful that you said you wanted to keep working together to identify opportunities to streamline. But could you also, in this sort of situation, offer her a specific example of where her idea/principle of streamlining could be better applied? Then it might come across less as if you're trying to end the conversation and rain on her parade...

On the advice thread here recently, one contribution was 'don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't seek out for advice'. This is the only person you've got this feedback from, right? Can you seek out people whose judgement you trust and ask them for their feedback on the feedback (or just in general), just like you did with your boss?

From the outside I think you're attaching too much weight to insights from someone who hasn't shown a lot of insight about your current business environment, so I would be wary about assuming she gives good feedback you need to act upon just because it's feedback and we are told we should be receptive to feedback.

What happened when you pushed back on her idea today? It sounds very much like she was not happy because her idea was shot down... so how does she propose to make up for the lost revenue? When you point out the consequences of a decision, is that what she perceives as being negative or does she make any effort of coming up with ways to mitigate the impact? If not, I'm not sure I'd attach a lot of weight to her opinion...

Thank you all for your comments. There's a lot to think about and some responses I'd like to make but I don't have time right now. Tomorrow I have to attend a close friend's funeral (I realise my personal situation and grief can be contributing to my stress and colouring some of my work experiences) so I'll respond more fully either later tomorrow or Friday. All advice is very gratefully received though.

Do you work for a university? I've never come across anywhere else where they do the three year stint thing - and I think for good reason (though I do also see why universities do it), it creates a lot of really difficult dynamics. One of the classic problems is the instability you get if you get a 'new broom' type every three years. She's probably desperate to find her big idea that allows her to make her mark - as a pp said if you have any ideas to offer up and allow her to adopt I'd give them!

Thanks, all. I’m not going to say what sector I work in as I don’t want this thread traced to me. I’m trying to keep some details deliberately vague. I’ve spent months planning to post for advice on my relationship with this person but then being too worried about being recognised but this week’s events have tipped me over the edge.

There are a few things I should have mentioned or clarified in my original post. This person has a permanent and secure job elsewhere and earns significantly more than me. She retains her basic salary while seconded to this partnership position with me and this has created a sense of imbalance as she is trying to assert herself as my boss rather than a partner. I’ve been in this industry for 20+ years and have worked with lots of people under this arrangement – some coming from much higher-level backgrounds than she is, but have never before had this feeling of hierarchy. Her secondment is supposed to be two days per week which she has the freedom to arrange in any way she wishes. At the start of her contract she said she would work Mondays and Wednesdays with me but in reality she is constantly involved (I’ve heard rumours from her usual colleagues that she doesn’t have enough work to full the rest of her time). One day last week, for example I received 38 emails from her all with demands and deadlines for me to do things for her. This morning I’m at over 20 already. If I ignore the emails, they turn into phone calls or (when working in the office, she turns up at my desk) and it derails so many other urgent things I have to do.

I understand that she wants to make a success of her time in this role and I really do feel for her that she has taken this on at a time when we are in such a dire financial state and we can’t make any radical changes. The same person three years ago, or possibly three years from now would likely have had a different response to ideas.

Decisions to scale back on certain types of work have been taken on an organisation-wide basis. For example, some of the work my team do relies on the assistance of other service areas (IT, Comms etc) and as they are similarly under-resourced, we’ve worked out what can and can’t be done in order to reduce pressure on all areas. Suddenly deciding that we’re going to raise our profile in a certain area will mean having to ask another service area to take on work they were not expecting. When I’ve tried to explain this I’ve been told that in this case I need to get my team trained up to fill these gaps so that we can do the work without bothering others. Her predecessor was also involved in the conversations and decisions around reducing tasks and I am aware that both my boss and her own boss have spoken to her about respecting and building on the previous work rather than tearing it down and also about the serious overload that my team and I are working under.

Several of the responses have focused on the need for me to come up with solutions and steer her towards working together to find better pathways. This is really good advice. I think a big part of my issue is that I am genuinely so stressed that I can’t see the wood for the trees. I need time and headspace to try to come up with solutions but in an average day I tend to be in meetings for 6 out of the theoretical 7 working hours and in the bits of time in-between I am firefighting hundreds of emails, teams messages and missed phone calls and texts messages – from this person, from my team, from customers, from my boss. The meetings all have action points and each email has more and I can’t get myself to a point where I have the headspace and the overview to look strategically at the future because I’m so caught up in the “must-do-now”. This though, is my problem, I can’t expect her to solve it for me but I’ll admit to wishing she could be more empathetic.

Body language is something I’ve been trying to keep in check recently. Until relatively recently, all our conversations have been via zoom and I don’t think this helped at all. Since we’ve been able to go back to our office space, I’ve been trying to instigate meetings over coffee, lunch etc and/or just trying to have them in person wherever possible and in those meetings, making a real effort to look as open and welcoming as possible. I have noted that her default position is crossed arms and a real frowny/pouty look and I think, in the past, I’ve fallen into the trap of mirroring this so I’m trying to do the opposite now but I probably do lapse from time to time and was definitely guilty of frowning through her latest idea pitch.

Just to try to put that pitch into context, one pp mentioned universities. This isn’t the right area but I imagine there are similarities so taking a university as an example (with apologies if I’ve misunderstood how this works). My understanding is that UK students pay tuition fees of £9k per year and overseas students considerably more and this is where the big money lies for Universities. I don’t know what they pay but hypothetically, let’s say it is £50k. This person’s ides was that we should effectively close our doors to UK students, not bring them in anymore and therefore replace all the £9k income streams with £50k streams. I had to explain that this goes against the entire ethos and purpose of our organisation and while it might seem that we spend considerable amount of time attracting and supporting students “only” paying £9k, the sheer volume of them makes this strand of work lucrative but more importantly to all of that, there is not and never will be the same number of £50k paying people just waiting in the wings, so her idea would represent a loss overall. I realise though that my challenge is to now try to translate her idea into something that could be helpful rather than shutting down conversation.

I like the advice about not taking criticism from someone you wouldn’t seek out for advice. That is, I think, very pertinent here. On Friday I met with a former holder of this role and laid things bare, asking for blunt and honest feedback on how I come across. I hadn’t given the context but this person guessed immediately who had said this to me and was not surprised. This person noted that I do carry stress quite obviously and heavily which she thought was indicative about how much I care about the work and my team members but could come across differently to others but she also thought that there is a difference between being obviously stressed and being negative which is not a trait she thought could be obviously associated with me. She also said though that just because she and my boss both think this, it doesn’t invalidate my current co-directors feelings and, at the end of the day we need to find a way of rubbing along together. It is wise advice, I feel and it does all come down to taking the time to plan and be able to counteract her plans, needs and ideas for new work initiatives with ideas of my own about driving things forward while being mindful of existing resource.

I’ve actually had a really positive and lovely meeting with my boss this morning who has said that there is absolutely no issue with the way I work and I shouldn’t be letting this conversation/feedback eat away at me. I really appreciate this but I suppose what it all comes down to for me is that this person has a much wider platform than I do and I worry that she is not just telling me that I’m too negative and not working effectively but that she might also be complaining to others and this could seriously hinder my career.

I feel for you, OP. Sounds like she doesn't really understand the business model of your organisation. Could you, or your boss, find a reason to take her through an idiot's guide to the business which makes clear why certain business streams are non-negotiable, for example.
Do you or she have any background in formal process improvement? Or know someone who does? It can be time-consuming (and I know you have no time!) and requires buy in from management as well as your team, but if you focus on the right processes, it can be life changing. Even having a discussion about it might help her to see you're not as negative as she seems to think.

I suppose telling her to fuck off isn’t really an option.

Respond to all her emails with ‘Let’s discuss this when I see you on Wednesday.’ Then give her a 10 min window for a meeting.

I guess the trick is to turn every suggestion she makes into more work for her. So ‘That’s an interesting idea - can you run up some information on how it would impact XYZ. Also you’ll need to check current legislation and a detailed estimate on the financial effects. etc etc’

I think @Shelby2010 is really on to something in her post just above. One reason you are coming across as negative, OP, is that you are constantly raising (entirely valid) objections to this other woman ‘s poorly thought out proposals. Guiding her, in neutral language, to discover the bad news for herself removes you from this role and occupies a chunk of her time in the process.

Good luck OP. She sounds a nightmare. Totally agree with the advice about trying to keep her busy with her own ideas!

Urgh sounds like where we work large bank. Why dont you suggest a swop. She manages the mundane and you will come up with the punchy ideas to make you look good. But seriously write and email exactly how you be explained things here to your manager and ask for some constructive help to move forwards. Otherwise you will be on rinse and repeat forever.

It’s not you it’s her what you need to do is manage her.

@Shelby2010 is right, even if she phones or turns up at your desk politely say I’ve booked x time in you diary for us to go through xyz. It’s almost like training a child to be patient and wait.

One tip, when she suggests something always start with “yes we could do xyz, but” after the “but” try to what PP have suggested and give her the job back e.g “ but how do you suggest we ensure compliance with xyz? would you mind checking that your proposal is compliant with x regulations.” Starting with a yes is a positive statement so she can’t accuse you of being negative,. The “yes” positively reinforces she has made a “good suggestion (no matter how crap it actually is)”. The but deals with the crapness of the suggestion(not sure that’s a real word but you get the idea).

You sound like a problem solver, it can be natural to automatically go into this mode and verbally work out options. Stay silent and let others raise the barriers or turn it round on her and ask with your experience of xyz how would you propose we solve this and then keep quiet.

As pp also said if you are working in partnership, delegate work to her, something that takes time so she’s occupied e.g. I know you feel we could streamline x process, using your experience would you be able to work with x team and the key stakeholders to process map the as is and to be processes and an implementation plan of how we can transition ensuring compliance with ABC. Basically praise her skills and experience as to why she would be much better doing x job. She either is capable and will get on with it or, as I suspect, she will shut up as she doesn’t have the skill to do it.

I once had a consultant brought in over me, as apparently I wasn’t creative enough!, I realised very quickly he was very good at talking about how vastly experienced he was but always his first question after a meeting was “Fungirls, how would you do xyz.” I quickly learned the best response was to pause and look as though I was thinking and then say “I’m not sure, in your experience what would you suggest.” I quickly left the job and everyone I met up with for coffee afterwards asked me what does x do all day and my response was Fuck All, and they all smiled. He didn’t last long after that!