AIBU to leave work and get DH to take the pressure?

[mytimetorelax]

Let me start by saying that a) I've NC for this as it's a bit personal b) DH is absolutely wonderful and I love him with all my heart. c) DH is a very hard worker and we share all housework, cooking etc and have fully joint finances and he has never not worked - in fact he has worked very hard since we met. He's never taken my contribution for granted and has often felt guilty for not being able to 'provide' financially - but he has been there for our kids when I couldn't and they are all the better for that.

For years I've been the major earner, so DH left his career and looked after the kids, earning work in childcare which was fairly decent earnings on top of my (much larger) wage. We have a nice comfortable life (now but it has been a struggle for a long time).

I've had enough of corporate life and am considering resigning from my job. We have paid off the mortgage and kids are big but it would mean a big drop in lifestyle and income until I can find something (my own small business, consultancy etc) to start to contribute again.

My question is, would it be OK for me to just kind of go into free fall and let DH have the worry of picking up the slack? His earning potential is less than mine, but I've always been the one under immense pressure to deliver in what is a very demanding job (pressure I put on myself, largely) . I'm just so tired and have been ill for months (getting better now). I feel so guilty for even thinking about it. He's always been there, dinner on the table, kids looked after, kind deeds and gestures but the pressure for me was always there.

He's said he will support me if I decide to leave but seems to think I'll easily be able to slip into something that will be big bucks again. I'm just not sure that this will happen, or that I have the energy to make it happen.

So, should I just go for it, leave and see what happens (scary!)?

Sorry, this was longer than I expected.

I was going to say yabu to just quit and not talk to him, but I see you have. I'd have one more conversation and make it clear you are not looking to go back into the same line of work, you are looking for a low earning job with less pressure.
Presumably you need to give notice at work so he's got time to increase hours etc?
I also think you need to adjust to your new lifestyle finances now not once you leave in order to save something to help during your unemployed period

YANBU, provided you have the savings and contingency plans to put in place if needed. Life is about more than work, and you're in the fortunate position of having options.

I would spend at least 6 mths living off the lower amount that you will have coming in if you quit - see how it feels, and how manageable it is. You can put the surplus in savings during that 6 mths, which will also give you a financial boost if you do decide to go for it.

It would be unreasonable to quit without things in place to ensure things are manageable. He can’t magic up more money anymore than you can.

You need a sensible plan together not just jumping out of work and hoping for the best

But the pressure and consequences will still fall on you if he doesn't or can't step into the breach. I don't see how this works.

Yeah I agree you need a plan. But in the meantime could you drop to 4 days? Or a 9 day fortnight to give yourself a bit of a break.

Then you need to plan what each of you will do to earn money in the future and work out a budget.

Is there a middle ground here? Now the DC are bigger is there an opportunity for your DH to pick up more demanding career-type jobs for the next several years, enabling you to take a more delivery focused role that would inevitably be a drop in salary, status and responsibility but give you more breathing space? So level the two careers out a bit more, basically.

What do you mean when you say the kids are big? How old are they and what level of support had you planned to give them as they become independent? (Eg university living expenses, housing deposit)?

Some friends of ours did this - full time high earner husband took low earning work and wife went full time (still low earning). They thought it would be reversible but he hasn't been able to step back on the corporate ladder for a variety of reasons. They are happy-ish but their lives changed and their children's lives changed far more, as suddenly the stepping stones to adult life weren't there for them.

If you can afford it I don't think it's unreasonable. Are the kids teens or adults?

If the mortgage is paid off is it just a case of household bills and food + luxuries?

I don’t think it’s that simple really. How much savings do you have, can you live on his wage? If the answer is yes, go for it. But if it’s not then no I don’t think you can just quit and ask him to suddenly earn enough to pay for you both. You both made a choice, you both had your pressures, but the choice you noth made had consequences for both of you, you pressure, him career and earning ability stagnating.

You need to work as a team, to understand fully th financial situation and the implications of that.

I think you need more of a plan than you currently have. Realistically, could he earn more at short notice? Would you be taking over all that he currently does? It kind of sounds like you’re wanting to renege all responsibility for money coming in because you’ve done it for so long - but are you happy to live off the greatly reduced income? (Because if he can’t realistically increase his income quickly, that’s what you’ll be doing).

You say you put a lot of pressure on yourself at work. Can you try to address that? Get a coach or ask for help or support or training for your mental health? (I suggest this because I also work in a very corporate environment and this is what we would try to do - we have a lot of systems in place to try to help people in your situation).
Could you drop hours? Change roles? How much of it is the role, and how much of it is your mentality around the role?

YANBU to want to change how things are but you need to a) have more of a financial plan and b) make sure he fully understands your intentions.

Thanks everyone. Such sensible input.

I'm on 3 months notice so have time to work out a financial plan. The idea of a trial run of living on lower income is an excellent one.

DH and I have discussed this but not as deeply as we need. I guess part of that is me being too polite to push him to understand how much I need a pressure release. We've got business ideas for him but he's not taken a lot of concrete actions to move forward. I kind of feel that taking me away as an earnings safety net may be needed to force that. He's more than capable he just lacks the confidence. I think we have to plan for a steep dive in earnings, followed by a slow build.

The kids are older - one living with us but financially independent (but subsidised because we can), the other at uni and we have ring fenced £put by to cover that until he leaves.

I've done lots of work coaching, training etc and have kind of reached the end of the road on it all. There's another thread where people are discussing how unmotivated they are - I'm firmly in that camp.

So, a more detailed plan it is, and to talk to DH some more in detail I think. I won't do anything until we've agreed a joint plan but I do need to put a bit more pressure on him. It was good that none of you thought I was being out and out unreasonable.

I've spent years travelling, 12 hour days, away from home, commuting, working on holiday and late into the night , whilst he has worked hard (at home with kids is hard) but much shorter hours, no commute, and able to slot in his hobbies much more easily. It kind of feels it's my turn to take my foot off the pedal a bit.

Hopefully in a few more years we can both ease up a bit I feel like I'm getting too old for all of this working malarkey

If the idea is for him to start a business, I think you need to reasonably plan for it not to be profitable for two years at least - the average is three years, I believe, and while some people will do it faster, there’s no guarantee that he’ll be one of them - and if he’s struggling with confidence and motivation from the off, that’s not a great start. Understandable, but probably means you need to plan for it to take longer.

That’s not to say that things have to stay as they are, of course… but you need a realistic plan.

Would you consider going part time?

To be honest where I work right now is pretty toxic and I can't stay.

I'm looking at consultancy options and could very likely get another corporate job quite easily but my heart is just not in it. I feel like I've done 40 years already and I've not enjoyed a lot of that time. Ideally I'll do a bit of consultancy whilst working on another business idea I have for myself (which would be very part time). A smorgasbord of opportunity to make it more fun and less risky

We've had a bit of a chat this afternoon but he seems to have his head in the sand in that magically 'we will be ok'.

I've done a financial plan that we can slot numbers into, and it's OK but dents our savings quite a bit. That said money is not all. A friend of my age died last week, and it really brought it home. Time is marching on and I need to follow what will make me happy.

Guess I'm just not used to putting my needs first.

I’m not sure you’re being really fair to your husband. You worked as you did as you wanted that, as you said,. And he did what he did to enable your wish. Now as you no longer like your job, you wish him to suddenly step up, but he must be at least late forties if not fifties, and he’s not had it easy, for all the time you were working, he was there alone raising the children. Now because you have had enough, he suddenly has to earn more and enable you to stay home when the kids are grown and that work load has gone.

You need to work as a team, and find a compromise that meets both your needs. It can never be all one persons way all the time.