I can't speak during Teams meetings

[muteonteams]

I really, really struggle to speak up on Teams meetings. I joined my company 3 months ago, have seen them all a few times in the office but not for a few months. I really struggle during our Teams meetings.

I'm fine when I have a purpose to what I'm going to say. For example, when I get asked about the status of my project. I blush and can hear my heart beat in my ears but I can manage it. But when it's one of those brain storming meetings where everyone jumps in with ideas I just cannot summon up the courage to speak. I feel like my ideas are worthless and not worth saying. I get fully in fight-flight mode and I end up not even being able to concentrate on the meeting. I'm better when I'm off-camera as I take notes of what everyone's saying, purely to keep me focussed on the meeting rather than worrying about what to say.

I find it much easier to have in-person meetings. I hate Teams.

I've had really great feedback on my actual work, and I know that this will hold me back from promotions.

I feel so disappointed in myself.

Do you know the advice of say something in the first 5 minutes? Even if it's about the weather etc? If I do this it is easier to join in, but if I don't I can end up not speaking at all and feeling worse and worse.

Hey OP

I used to be like this, 5 years in and I'm the nominated public speaker, regularly do webinars and International trainings on my process.

I was thrown in the deep end and it really does improve with practice.

As a manager, if you came to me and discussed this with me (exactly like you're doing here on this thread), I would be more than happy to find you a public speaking course. Is this something that you think your company could be receptive to?

I find one of the issues with online meetings is that people can easily miss those little clues that someone is about to speak - and then you never get the chance to speak because someone else always jumps in quicker. My manager is really good with checking in with everyone at different points of our meetings though just to give everyone a chance to speak - and if you have nothing to add, it's ok to say so as well (most of us do in every meeting).

Best advice I've been given to manage online meetings is to put a post it note over your own face. Makes it far more like a meeting in a physical space, where you can't see yourself.

You could contribute any ideas or questions in the chat or send a follow up email? Do your company use things like whiteboard / digital post it's or anonymous survey/voting apps? Could you contribute in another way such as offering to take notes or put together slide packs? Can you speak to your manager about things you can do to gradually boost your confidence? E.g practice speaking in small catch ups first or buddying up with a colleague to give an update or presentation? Prepare some ideas before hand so you have notes to refer to? Speaking in meetings is the sort of thing that the more you practise, the easier it becomes!

The turning point for me came years ago. I was sat in a meeting, listening to other people talk a lot when I realised that they were actually not saying anything particularly interesting or original. In fact, most of what was said in that meeting was complete nonsense. I remember thinking to myself 'well, I can talk a load of total nonsense just as well as any of these people'! Honestly, that is when I started speaking in meetings - when I realised that it wasn't actually that important to say anything glaringly original or amazing! 90 percent of what people talk about in meetings is really of no consequence. Don't sweat it.

Firstly, don't beat yourself up. You're in a new job, with new people and presumably not experienced in doing this. what you're feeling is not unusual.

Give it time and you will be breezing through these meeting.

In the mean time a few things to think about.

Your boss cares about your output not your meeting performance.

Your verbal spaghetti sounds way worse to you than it will to any one else listening.

To get your confidence up.

Try to get to know the other people in the meetings, if possible. It will feel much less daunting when you speak.

Over prepare for the meetings until you're more confident. Have everything you could need right there open in front of you and think about and practice what you might say.

Speak slowly and dont be afraid of silence, ie stop and think if necessary.

Finally, always remember that the world thinks about you way less than you think it does. No one else remembers your horror meeting. If they even noticed it at the time :)

Thank you everyone, I started taking notes the last couple of meetings and I found that really helpful as it gives me something to do that ensures I'm focussed/listening to what's being said rather than just sitting there feeling anxious about not speaking. It's not really necessary for my role as they someone else emails out meeting notes anyway, but I've found it helpful

I've also started leaving myself unmuted in small meetings so it's easier to say something like "yeah" or even just "mm..." rather than having to go off and on mute all the time.

Does anyone have any advice with 1:1 catch-ups with your manager? I have these weekly for 30 minutes, often with my manager and co-manager and having two people attending a meeting solely to discuss me and my performance is really nerve-wracking. I find the work pretty easy and straight forward so I never have any problems to discuss with them, although I think I will mention being nervous about teams meetings in our next meeting

With the 1-1s try and think of 2-3 main points you want to speak about when you go in. For me, as I was managing multiple projects, it was 2-3 projects but it may be just 2-3 things depending what your work is. The nervousness at team meetings is a good one but remember you can also talk about things that have gone well or how you have learnt new things from a particular piece of work.
I’ve had bosses who are great at this and those that weren’t. The great ones make it a safe space and more like a genuine chat than feeling evaluated. So I’m adding that to say if it is going badly it might not necessarily be the way you are handling it.

Also to add I’m getting towards the end of my working life so have attended many many meetings in my career. With the very odd exception, the noisiest people in meetings rarely have the best contributions.

My tips for a 1:1 would be to go in with at least 2 or 3 things you want to say - this could be just a review of your week, or something that you think has done well, or you're looking for input on. Or you could call out something that a colleague did well, or mention that you spotted x was doing such and such and was it possible to find out more about it?

1:1s are meant to be both ways as well - so ask your manager if they have any feedback for you (not every week) or if they have any updates they would like to share.

I don't know your company norm, but it's also perfectly acceptable in my company's 1:1s to not take all the time if you really have nothing to discuss.

@Teenagetrouble

Also to add I’m getting towards the end of my working life so have attended many many meetings in my career. With the very odd exception, the noisiest people in meetings rarely have the best contributions.

Yes, I absolutely agree with this. One thing that's really struck with me is a comment about a high valued colleague "They don't say much in meetings, but on the odd time they do, you know it's something worth listening to". It think it's a good way to think.

I'd also say, with more virtual meetings since wfh has kicked in - you should remember that not everyone knows what you know. You might have been working on project A all week and be sick to death of it, but have some of your colleagues on the call not been involved at all, and might be glad of a quick update? If you're not sure ask "would anyone be interested in finding out how A is going?" - people can always get in touch after the meeting if there's not enough interest in the meeting.

When I am on a Teams call I don't have my screen on Teams, if you see what I mean. I have it on a random word file. So my camera is on and it looks like I'm there but I can't see myself or anyone else and just talk at the screen. I find that much easier.

Had a meeting today that didn't go well.

Every Monday we have a big departmental meeting, I say 'big' but there's only around 20 of us. We go around and each have to discuss how our week is looking, what we're working on, etc. It's a great way for us to see what's going on across the department, but I find it so nerve-wracking. I start dreading it over the weekend, and my entire Monday mornings I struggle to focus as I'm so nervous about it.

Some weeks it's easy, I just rehearse a one sentence summary and quickly say it and they move on, other times they ask questions and try to get me to elaborate and I just freeze and can't think what to say.

I also feel embarrassed as sometimes it feels like they are trying to gently bring me out of my shell, and I find it embarrassing, like I'm acting like a child.

I feel like now I've been there a few months it's settling in to everyone that I'm a shy person, and it wasn't just nerves because I was new. I feel like they are all saying 'she's good, but she's too quiet/shy'

I'd suggest writing your update in advance and simply reading it.
If you do get asked a question and can't instantly think of the answer, simply say something like "I'll have to check that and get back to you".

I get like this too OP and find it easier if I speak straight away, even if it is to exchange pleasantries with others before the start of the actual meeting.

It's much easier to then speak afterwards.

Gawd going right round the team sounds awful and extremely tedious. This would be even worse for me in person.
These situations are horrible because although it is useful to know what people are doing across a team but it’s also a slight element of evaluation in it.
No advice but I would find this uncomfortable too.

Can feel your pain.
My words are all stumbled and I had great difficulty pronouncing certain words 😒

In addition to brainstorming, I also had to conduct interviews over Teams. I find switching the tab can be quite helpful and stop looking at the audience. Try to find a position where you feel comfortable also helps.

And most importantly people really DO NOT care. Extroverts will be looking at opportunity to speak out while introverts will be looking at ways to avoid attention so it is a win-win x

I feel your pain. My employer now sends me on training days held on Teams or Zoom. Very few are now done in person. I hate them. I don't like speaking up and I don't like the feeling of it all. I have always been shy and introverted and have had spells of social anxiety. I often email ahead and tell them I will definitely be listening but because of my personality traits they won't be hearing from me much. It's usually accepted.

I think if your meetings are targets driven and you have to present to your managers that is more tricky and you will have to research ways to get around that.

Personally, CBT doesn't work for me because I find it too simplistic and ridiculous...but each to their own.

Do they decide the order? I find saying "I'll go first" better as you get it over with. Just write a few key bullets of one or two things you've worked on - maybe use that to cover your screen. The more you do these calls, the more you realise some people just keep mentioning the same things. But honestly, most people are only half-listening as they're answering other messages as well.