does anyone work in media or design and work long hours with a baby?

[moodlesoup]

hi, i've just returned to work at a graphic design agency - its a new job in a different city, after having 12 months off with DD1.

my DH is working freelance so he's doing the majority of childcare whilst i settle into my new job. the problem is that the hours are just incompatible with my dd. i'm not seeing her much during the week as she goes to bed around 6.30pm-7pm most nights. thankfully(!?) she gets up at the crack of dawn so i do get a lot of time with her in the morning.

i get in at work at 8.30am and hope to finish at 5pm- 5.30pm but as everyone else (in this very small company, just 10 people) gets in around 10am and leaves after 6pm, i don't feel like i can without it being a big deal.

i've been there 6 weeks now and i'm starting to resent missing my DD so i am planning on having a word in the new year and see if they'd be willing to let me leave at 5pm 2 or 3 nights a week if i work late or very early on other days.

anyone else in the same boat or have any tips? if i had money i'd think about changing industry, but money is soooo tight that i need to earn as much as i can right now.

any advice very much appreciated! thanks

Its very difficult isn't it? I found going back after maternity leave very hard, I too had a year off and I remember planning to leave as soon as I had been back 3 months! You are entitled to request flexible working and they have to give a good reason to refuse. Good website here
Could you afford to work a four day week as an alternative? If you need help with putting a flexible working request together post again. Lots of HR people that are mumsnetters although things are quiet atm for obvious reasons! Good luck!

hi, no we can't afford for me to work less as dh isn't in full time work so his money is fairly erratic. also, my job just doesn't exist as a part time role - i'm an account manager/project manager in design, and i've never met a part time one in the 12 years i've worked... makes me wish i'd changed careers before i had a baby.....

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blimey, it must be so hard to go from having a whole year with your dd, to this level of contact!

I think you could just tackle it assertively and head-on, after all you are in work almost a couple of hours before everyone else, so it's not as if you are asking to do less than others, just slightly different hours. I'd request a meeting and make it clear that this is what you're asking; to do your hours up to around 5pm. Don't ask, don't get!

Good luck with it.

no, we're in manchester, so no city jobs, but good idea!

yes, i have remote access so maybe that's worth trying to sell into my boss as a way of having time with baby as well as getting work done.

there are no other working mums at my place, there is a working dad and he tends to ask to leave early once a month to pick the kids up so at least there is a precedent there.. albeit not a very regular one!

yes, it is hard, especially with this fantastic xmas break, kinda fallen back into the habit of being with her again, and tomorrow is going to be a killer, as i expect it will be for most parents... thanks for the advice, i will have a sit down with them once i have my 3 months service and contract under my belt (not until feb!) so that i can make some reasonable demands then!
thanks again, and happy new year!

Aks. Small companies who want good people do what they can to keep them but the issue is whether you genuinely think you can properly do the role if you leave at 5 not 6. To be hojest in London leaving at 6 is virtually part time and many a working parent would love to be able to leave at 6.

The other alternative is change your mind set. Say I'm being selfish. My daughter has her father there who is as good if not better than I am. I see her for all that time from when she wakes to leaving for work and the weekends and I see her more than most fathers aren't I lucky and that this family needs notonly my current wage but my long term career progression right up to age 65 when I'm paying univesity fees for child number 4 so it's very selfish to put my desire to be there which is unnecessary above the good of the family perhaps?

How about a bit of an attitudinal shift - so rather than busting to get away, you accept that you won't but have more time with her in the morning?

Do what everyone else does in your office and get in at 10'ish, but have a good long play with her in the morning?

If you have between, say, 6.30am and 9am with her every morning, that is a good sized chunk of time. Let your DH have a lie in and just do things with her yourself: some reading and playing, breakfast, dress her nicely etc. He then can make putting her to bed "his time".

TBH, I alaways found my DCs were much better company in the morning when they woke up than at the end of the day when everyone was tired and fractious.

thanks, its good to hear different perspectives and i think that some of what you say is definitely useful. thanks again.

Also my oldest is 23 and at law school (I always worked full time). She's sitting in the other room studying now. I really cannot see any difference in our relationship than there would have been had I given up my career or worked full time... except we wouldn't live in this lovely house, wouldn't have just been skiing and she wouldn't have been debt free.

Hi, I also work in media albeit in London. I have a 2 hour commute door to door which doesn't help matters.

My husband works from home mostly, which is brilliant in terms of making sure DS doesn't do too long days, but - there's a part of me that's becoming so sad as his relationship with our son really is now that of the primary carer. Being pragmatic, I know that it's great for a son to have such a close relationship with his dad, but that's the logical part of my brain, not the emotional one.

It's actually breaking my heart, and the long Christmas break hasn't helped matters, so I've resolved to find an alternative way of working with my bosses, or call it a day and have a complete rethink (I'm main breadwinner too so I'll have to carry on for as long as it takes)

GOOD LUCK. The HR person in me would say prepare a really tight flexible working request which addresses all of the concerns your employer could possibly think of from a business perspective. You may be surprised by their response.

Sorry that i've joined in this conversation so late.

sounds rough.
Where is your child cared for? Can you adjust that perhaps to spend more time with her? eg if you have to drop her off then travel to work could you shift it so she is cared for near your work so you can least spend the extra time commuting with her? Not an ideal solution but buys you a bit of time?

I think requesting flexible working is a good idea... could you ask to work one day per week at home? You'd still have to work of course but it might allow you a bit more time at beginning and end of the day? Could you swap a weekday for a weekend day, when you know your child will be playing with your DH? Or two half days for a weekend day?

I know you say you can't do your job part-time but that is what has stopped women in senior positions asking for all these years...! Could you suggest a jobshare (it might help if you have someone in mind which I appreciate might be difficult for a small company)? Jobshares tend to work out more favourably for companies since they get more than the sum of the parts. Might be a financial issue though.

Good luck.

thanks monkeybird and sorryihaven't a clue - your comments are helpful. its good to know i'm not the only one.

sorry i haven't a clue: your commute sounds very hard. i had to do a similar commute for 5 months in the summer from manchester to leeds and it nearly killed me so i do sympathise.

my DD goes to nursery only a 5min walk from our house which is great. i work in the centre of manchester which takes 10mins in the car, or 25min on the bus - so its great from that point of view. what bugs is me that i'm even agonising over any of this. my friends are exactly the same - work is supposed to be all consuming and fulfilling for us. well its not! its just a way of paying the bills and if i have to pretend that i enjoy the charade of having a 'career' then i will, but only for the good of my family.
our nursery only stays open until 6pm, and in order to guarantee i get there in time, i wouldn't want to leave any later than 5.15pm to pick her up. i don't think its really fair of employers to expect me or my husband not to see our child 5 nights a week just in order to fulfil some 90's notion of working hard.
i'm sure most working parents would love to work at 6, so why can't we!? having a baby is a lifestyle choice, just like doing sports training after work. One of my colleagues is trying to get on olympic team for sprinting, and because that's such an aspirational amazing goal she is completely encouraged to get out on time. My baby is just as important!

sorry for the rant, monday blues have hit and i'm facing a late night at work and missing out on seeing DD who is poorly.

Aww, i totally totally get where you're coming from. Last week was first week back at work after Christmas and i could have wept. I kept finding excuses to leave "early" (5.20) so i could get back for bath time - won't be able to carry that on this week.

Totally agree that things need to move on. I try in a very small way to lead by example and throw my team out of the office at a decent time, and frankly am blackberrying away at 9 at night so actually who's really the winner here anyway?

I need to find something else to do to pay the bills but can't see beyond it all at the moment. Rant away Moodlesoup, whatever works for you for the briefest moment

ps all of my mummy friends are fakers too. We're all pretending to be career girls. This is what we fought for?!

thanks sorryihaven't a clue - i'm a bit better today! have had a day off with DD and i'm exhausted! nice to know its not just me with my ranting thoughts. everyone else seems to be coping with their lives and i just feel like i'm hanging on by my fingertips. i always look dishevelled, am still carrying my baby fat nearly 2 years later and my DH and i are always ill!

hope you're having an ok week - hope you're able to keep to leaving early(!), you feel more human when you see your LO's morning and evening.

x

My husband works in media 1 month into a new job and has similar hours 10-6.30 ish but tends not to leave work til 7-730 ish. However he doesn't actually desperately want to be home for bedtime unlike me who therefore leaves my (non media but vastly more useful to society!) work on the dot of 5 barring emergencies. Obviously everyone at my work who is male/does not have children remain sitting around til 630 or so at least but thats up to them.
To be honest i think if you are in work an hour and a half earlier than everyone else and you are efficient and can get your work done by 5 or 530 you are absolutely justified in leaving at that time every day.
If they don't see it that way stuff them and find a more family friendly company

you're right. thanks lady g.