Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Feel a bit suffocated by manager

11 replies

Queenthistle3 · 12/12/2021 14:51

I'll start by saying my manager is lovely, she really is and we get on really well.
I had to make my workplace aware of a situation I was in involving domestic abuse and my ex partner.. My line manager just tries to get me to talk about it all the time and I don't want to, I've told her I'd rather not have to answer lots of questions.
Not just that, she texts me every single evening and constantly asks if I'm ok. If I don't reply in a certain time frame she'll ask again. I'm starting to feel a bit suffocated and wish i hadn't told her. I know she means well she her heart is in the right place but how do I tell her to stop without hurting her feelings. I almost feel like I'm her project and that she thinks I'm alone so has to text me every evening to check on me and engage in conversation. I'm grateful she cares and don't want to throw it back in her face, but it is just a bit suffocating.

OP posts:
KimDeals · 12/12/2021 14:55

Oh god. Is it a big company - have you a dedicated HR team? If so I would ask HR to intervene, as her misplaced concern is causing you even more stress and you feel like it’s defining your work existence. Put someone in the middle of it to sort. You don’t need this additional stress.

Aprilx · 12/12/2021 15:20

@KimDeals

Oh god. Is it a big company - have you a dedicated HR team? If so I would ask HR to intervene, as her misplaced concern is causing you even more stress and you feel like it’s defining your work existence. Put someone in the middle of it to sort. You don’t need this additional stress.
Wow. Report the person at work who has shown concern about domestic abuse. And normally managers get slammed for not caring!

Surely it would be better for OP to have another chat with her line manager about it and come to a better understanding.

wildseas · 12/12/2021 15:24

I would buy her a gift and say «thank you so much for texting me every evening over the last month. At times it has felt like a huge support. I am now in a stronger place and comfortable going to my usual support network so I’m going to ask you to stop so that we can get back to business as usual at work. But I will never forget what you have done for me «

Original poster
Queenthistle3 · 12/12/2021 15:29

Just to be clear I don't wish to report her to anyone. I just want to have a conversation with her without upsetting her as I know she means well. Just find it a bit suffocating.

OP posts:
KimDeals · 12/12/2021 17:11

@Aprilx what?? No! I haven’t suggested that at ALL! Our HR team is amazing and I would lean on them to handle something tricky, that might be very hard to articulate. Who is to know if a line manager knows either how to straighten it out?? Managers need to know how to deal with this stuff from their teams! You know HR can be there to help too….

Jeez Louise…

Original poster
Queenthistle3 · 12/12/2021 20:27

I think it's just trying to tell her whilst I appreciate her concern etc, I don't need to be checked on every evening.
Maybe I should just say that.

OP posts:
Gruffalogrinch · 12/12/2021 20:45

@wildseas

I would buy her a gift and say «thank you so much for texting me every evening over the last month. At times it has felt like a huge support. I am now in a stronger place and comfortable going to my usual support network so I’m going to ask you to stop so that we can get back to business as usual at work. But I will never forget what you have done for me «
I don’t think this is a good idea. Maybe a card, but not a gift.
MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/12/2021 20:50

@Queenthistle3

I think it's just trying to tell her whilst I appreciate her concern etc, I don't need to be checked on every evening. Maybe I should just say that.
Yes. I think I would let her know that while you appreciate her concern you can’t help but associate her ‘are you ok?’ texts with the DV and so ask if she minds stepping back a bit from the texts asking if you’re okay as they’re a reminder of what has happened. I would say you find it easier to feel okay if you can just get on with your evening and are feeling stronger and don’t need to be checked in on anymore.
Original poster
Queenthistle3 · 12/12/2021 20:55

@molkosteenageangst that's good advice.. I think it's more so I just don't like spending my evenings WhatsApping either, it's so draining. She sends me long paragraphs of text, but also the fact I don't constantly need to be checked up on.
Something happened to me a couple of weeks ago and she said she had so many questions to ask me and I actually had to tell her I couldn't face answering lots of questions.
I think she's never had to deal with a situation like mine before and is over compensating.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 12/12/2021 20:55

How about

"Manager I just wanted to say thank you for your support with the ex situation but I've decided I just want to move on from any reminders of it so I've decided not to talk about it anymore as ex doesn't deserve any of my headspace"

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/12/2021 21:07

I would find that level of Whatsapping exhausting too. It sounds like she is somewhat bored/ lovely too and is using you as her evening entertainment. That’s not to say she doesn’t care about you, it might not even be she’s using you in that way consciously but it sounds like she has gotten over-invested.

If you can’t ask her to step back my only other suggestion would be to reduce how much you are replying. You don’t have to reply to every message straight away, ignore some of her messages or just respond minimally with a couple of words or an emoji etc. You definitely don’t have to engage with her if it’s draining, it’s okay to reply that you’re tired/ busy etc.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread