Can I cope? Am I mad?

[Flum]

I have a second interview this week for a job at a big professional firm that would mean I would have to spend a few days or a week travelling from time to time. Also these big firms (and this no exception) tend to expect commitment of lots of hours.

I currently do 9.30 - 5.30 and NEVER work late and still feel 9 hours (inc travel time) is long time to be away from baby. This job would mean more time.

But............ hate current job, new one would be much more interesting, much more money.....

DH works opp end of country so travels up for most of week so he can't help.

Currently Grandparents do childcare but only for another couple of months.

Thinking of hiring a nanny, but I would want a Granny type nanny and what would be the chances of nanny bringing baby to see me at lunch time? Do they do that? We live in Central London so wouldn't be too far.

Really want new job but is it far on dd - aged 9 months?

All comments welcome...............

Especially what would I need to pay a nanny in central london - Live out.

Flum you will receive umpteen different responses to this all with offering varying views. I think only you can make this decision. FWIW I think it sounds like pretty tough going as you're effectively putting yourself in a situation where your employer will be demaning loads of your time and you'll be pulled in two different directions. This could create a lot of stress for you. Is there no option for a different job but one that has similar hours to the one you do now?

Can you ask to do it three or four days a week - you might then get satisfaction of job, same money as now, but two whole days with baby... I actually think it is easier to do a mega job when a baby is smaller than when he/she is about 3 or 4 (just my personal opinion). Nanny wise - if you get a fully qualified person you are happy with you will pay them about £350-£400 a week after tax for a five day week, live out in central London.

Good luck and if you really want it, go for it. You can always turn it down or renegotiate hours if you like them or they like you enough!!!

tbh if you're planning to work long hours that might turn out to be irregular, and have no real backup from your partner, i think you'd be much, much better off with a live-in. otherwise, logistics will gring you down (it's such a pain having to make lastminute ad hoc arrangements) and the extra cost of paying a nanny to work irregular lates/overnights might be prohibitive.

also, is it fair to ask someone to work lates regularly, then travel home, then turn up for an early start the next day (i'm thinking of the nanny here, not you...)?

it sounds like a pretty tough call. this doesn't sound like the perfect option from what you've said. but obviously tempting if you hate current job. do you think the prospect of escaping from it is clouding your judgment a bit? maybe just use this as a confidence-builiding exercise and see what else comes along soon?

Beachhead - re your last comment, thats what I was thinking.

I am tempted to pack it all in and stay home with bubba, she so cute and v. good and easy to look after. But, spent 3 years training and doing v. tough professional exams - it seems such a waste to not use it. Baby was a surprise so thought would have a few years to forge career then have kids but didn't work out that way.

This company just won a work/life balance award but IMO those types of things are just for show and you do still need to sell your soul to the devil to get on. I'm not desperate to have high powered career but thought if could get in, give them a few years full on graft and then praps step down to fewer hours/days then I wouldn't feel had wasted all that hard work.

Baked potato - you are making me hungry! But also, yeah live in nanny would be best but we would have to move as flat not big enough.

Also and call me paranoid but not really keen on having another woman in the house full time............. be ok if she was much older, fatter, plainer, and far less charming than me I spose - hee hee

What an interesting predicament.

Job: impressed by you still having your eyes on the prize, so to speak. If you want it, and everything else (below) can be made to work, go for it! Happy mummy = happy baby.

Childcare: I am not convinced "granny type" nannies would be happy doing the hours you'd need, which would be let's say 8.30 - 6.30 M-F plus overnights from time to time (for when your travelling coincides with dh's). You'd be more likely to get long hours with a live-in, by the way. But if you're really keen on "granny type", what about a childminder (some will do overnights, I think)? - though she'd likely have other children to look after, so probably wouldn't be able to bring baby to see you. If access to baby is important, I was also thinking how about a nursery local to your work - but v unlikely to fit your hours ... unless you had a live-in au pair as well to do post-nursery hours (and of course be there for the overnights when necessary)? Costs of childcare: have a look at bestbear.co.uk. Might your new employer assist? - some help with nursery places, eg - but wouldn't help pay for a nanny.

Domestic/general point: if you and dh are both working super-full-time, be prepared for there to be no flex in the system at all - unless your childcare arrangements sort of take that up - eg, idea of live-in au pair again - not as a full-time childcarer, but as an additional pair of hands.

Big question: how supportive is your potential new employer likely to be?

gawd cross-posted with millions of people

please don't read my message as dimly reiterating points better made before

I know Blinkie. It all seems totally impractical. Helps to have other people help me think it through.

Seems daft to get great new job and spend all the money on childcare when I love dd so much and could easily look after her myself. You are right about hours being long too. I know how tiring it is loooking after baby for 12 hours - much easier at office.

I don't think its really worth it. Would have jumped at this job 3 years ago but now just seems too much hassle.

Also my mum worked all the time - good career, but just remember she was always knackered.

Will think on...........

I know Blinkie. It all seems totally impractical. Helps to have other people help me think it through.

Seems daft to get great new job and spend all the money on childcare when I love dd so much and could easily look after her myself. You are right about hours being long too. I know how tiring it is loooking after baby for 12 hours - much easier at office.

I don't think its really worth it. Would have jumped at this job 3 years ago but now just seems too much hassle.

Also my mum worked all the time - good career, but just remember she was always knackered.

Will think on...........

Flum,

I've got the same problem. I am very likely (so I'm told) to get offered a job which would mean me travelling to customer sites anything up to 100 mles away, 3 times a week.
It's an interesting job, decent money (tho not enough without dh working too), and before ds I'd have jumped at it.
But becos i would have lots of early starts/late finishes it isn't practical. dh is a freelance software contractor who may have to work away, or at least travel himself. We have no granny support. I don't want a live-in nanny (even if I could afford it), and anyway didn't have a child for him to be brought up by someone else.

But it is tough to leave so much of 'who I was' behind.

I know it's a cliche but they don't half grow up fast you know. You could do this job in 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 years time. You can't get your baby back. From a very career-orientated part-time mum who has done one off travel (to a v. off beat place),with 10 month and 2 and a half year old done very stressful work, full-time and part-time, now looking at refocussing back on my work, after 4 and half years of taking it relatively slow.

Is sounds like it is going to be very very hard work, but if you're up for it, then it could be ok.

FWIW I went back to a challenging f/t job when dd was 7 months old, the day after my husband went abroad to work (at the time we didn't know that it would take THREE years for him to find a job in a country where I could join him.)
It was however my old job where I was very settled and surrounded by supportive people who knew what I was dealing with.I also lived very near to my office in a lovely rural area and the baby was in a lovely nursery.

Anyway, I struggled to look after the baby, the dog, the house, do the job and have some sort of me time (nothing much, the odd night out, trip to the gym or a tennis lesson.)and ultimately it nearly killed me. I feel I had completely underestimated the time and energy that each of these areas of my life demanded. Dh was wonderful, but as only returning home every 6 weeks, there wasn't a lot he could do. Family also all abroad/far away.I didn't have to work, but the money was good, I love my job, and the thought of 6 week stretches alone at home with the baby did my head in.

Finally jacked it all in as soon as I could when pregnant with No. 2 and followed husband abroad where I now stay at home with the children.

My biggest regret is not that I couldn't do it all-I could, but that in retrospect the person who missed out was my dear little girl who I feel I have neglected sorely. It brings tears to my eyes as I write and I will never forgive myself, and am now desperately trying to make up for lost time.

I was one of those who thought kids did great while mums went out to work. No doubt other people's do, but I don't think mine did.

Your proposed schedule sounds loads worse than mine. Think very carefully about whether you are up to it.

Thanks so much for all the messages. It does really help. I think I am really hanging on to what might have been if no baby had arrived, would have loved this job then.

But also it has pension, private healthcare and loads of bonus too.

Dd is so lovely and easy baby might bite the bullet and ask if they would consider me for four days a week and no or very little travel to try and balance it out a bit.

Or maybe if they offer it to me will take it and just try it for a few months see how it goes, can always bail out can't I, if its a nightmare.

Exactly, if you give it a go and it doesn't work out then at least you won't be thinking what if? and if it does work out then great!

Should have said that i'm actually glad that I did it as it showed me that i could deal with all that stuff, just that i didn't want to and also gave me time to get a promotion and lots more experience in my specialist arae which will be very useful when i return to work.

Good luck, let us know how you get on!

Thanks Mizmiz, interview is tomorrow. Not too nervous so obv don't want it THAT much.

Another vital point of course is would new employer let me get away with idle hours gassing on m'net. Somehow I doubt it. That might be the extra swing to the pendulum I need............

Mizmiz - I TOTALLY empathise with your feelings towards your dd missing out. I'm currently working fulltime and although I do like my job and love my colleagues, it breaks my heart to leave dd every day. I've been back at work for almost a year now and would dearly love to be in a position to give up totally, at least temporarily. Toyed with the idea of going freelance too but the money has to be right.

I just feel right now that I'm exhausted most of the time and not in the one place where I'd love to be - at home with my dd. It's amazing to me that you never really know how you're going to feel about this work thing until you have the baby. You can never underestimate the power of those maternal feelings. It's knocked me sideways!

Ho well, such is the situation for the time being. I'm really encouraged reading messages such as yours that you took the step and finished work - that takes courage too.

Fingers crossed I'll soon be in that position and, therefore, happier.

Well didn't get the job. Interview went very badly. Not too sore about. Pride slightly dented but means although still work full time I don't have to do overtime and stuff or go away for work.

Thanks for all the advice.