Mum guilt work with 3 month old.

xxxllbxxx · 2021-11-23T15:37:40+00:00

Hi. I don't want to go back to work but finances are tough. I feel extremely guilty and don't want to leave my baby as I keep thinking he'll forget about me or be unhappy or happy with another family member. Do I sound daft? What do I do. I would really appreciate some extra money tbh though. He's only 3 1/2 months.

MissingGrandstand · 23/11/2021 15:55

My mum went back to work before 12 weeks and honestly we have such a close relationship - I know the guilt must be awful, especially when lots of people seem to take longer off now, but I don’t think it will impact your relationship or that he will forget about you! I remember growing up how special it was on days where she could take me to school etc so sometimes it can be a nice thing!

I do get where you’re coming from - I’m due early next year and planning to go back to work after 12 weeks and know it will be a struggle with the guilt, but remember you’re being just as good a mum by focusing on being practical about finances! X

Original poster

xxxllbxxx · 23/11/2021 17:31

@MissingGrandstand

My mum went back to work before 12 weeks and honestly we have such a close relationship - I know the guilt must be awful, especially when lots of people seem to take longer off now, but I don’t think it will impact your relationship or that he will forget about you! I remember growing up how special it was on days where she could take me to school etc so sometimes it can be a nice thing!

I do get where you’re coming from - I’m due early next year and planning to go back to work after 12 weeks and know it will be a struggle with the guilt, but remember you’re being just as good a mum by focusing on being practical about finances! X

Thanks so much! That's honestly made me feel better. Your right he won't forget as I'm his mummy Of course.. and I'm doing good by the extra finances. It's just hard as so young still. Thanks x

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ChimChimeny · 23/11/2021 17:34

I know someone who went back after about 3 months because she needed the money, she was lucky to work part time but she also felt the guilt.

You can only do your best & your DC won't remember this anyway!

MotherOfCrocodiles · 23/11/2021 17:46

At that age they don't actually care so much who they are with.

They need you (only you!) more when they are school age but oddly people don't beat themselves up as much about using childcare then.

I speak as one who used childcare from 4 months btw

LaMadrilena · 23/11/2021 17:46

I only get a short maternity leave, and have gone back after 5 months. It's really hard and I do feel guilty, but I don't have a choice. Unpaid leave isn't an option. I'm counting on winning Euromillions this week and jacking the job in. On the up-side, I get the biggest smiles and happy giggles when I get home! Sorry that's not especially, helpful, just a bit of solidarity. You're doing the right thing by providing for your child, he won't feel less loved for it.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 23/11/2021 17:48

Also on the bright side-

It's easier in some ways to go back to work after a short gap (long gap can sap your confidence)

Babies get worse separation anxiety around 6-9 month meaning that is actually a very tricky time to start childcare. If you start at 3 months they will be used to their cater before they reach a stage of minding unfamiliar people

Tickly · 23/11/2021 17:50

No matter what you will always be mum. If you can spend the time you have at home playing and cuddling then there is no way your baby will forget. All that will happen is they will have other amazing adults in their life who can also support and love them whilst you're not there.
It will feel horrid and be incredibly tough with sleep deprivation and crazy mum hormones. I hope you find it manageable for you but definitely your baby will be fine.

Eastend123 · 23/11/2021 17:51

Awww I completely get where you are coming ....my dd is 16 years old and I still feel guilty sometimes!
But try not to as needs must and tbh your baby will love you just as much. You are the one providing and your time together will be special. I know alot of parents who have had the same situation and it hasn't effected their relationship with their children
Be kinder to yourself you are doing it for all the right reasons

PennyWus · 23/11/2021 17:58

It's a really good point about separation anxiety- it's harder when they are a bit older to leave them.

Babies are very adaptable. My DH works FT and he is my son's favourite person on the planet. I don't get a look in when daddy is home! Despite slavishly devoting myself to my son's care for two years. Daddy swans in and my son just oozes adoration.

Anyway if you can try to be there for bath, bedtime milk, story/singing then that is the best time of day to be home as everyone loves bedtime cuddles.

It is also a big positive for your child to make secure attachments to extended family, and even a childminder/nursery key person.

You will not be replaced, you are just organising things differently to many other families. It is perfectly feasible.

Original poster

xxxllbxxx · 23/11/2021 18:11

Thanks so much everyone . Your all right it's just this anxiety was im a first time mum and classed as a young mum as well I always feel quite out of depth. your right I'm doing my best for my boy which is all that matters! Hopefully in time this mum guilt eases even though I'm told it never goes ! Lol x

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Robin233 · 23/11/2021 18:14

I went back after 12 weeks
We are still extremely close
Talk most days even though I rarely see him - Uni etc.

Robin233 · 23/11/2021 18:17

Ps. The wonderful couple who had him he still sees and loves very much.
But I'm not replaced.

MushMonster · 23/11/2021 18:23

I went back after 3 months.
My LO stayed with her father while he studied. Then we worked different shifts when he got his jobs. Me mornings, he afternoon and part of the night.
She did get used to it pretty quickly, and so did I. I still spent lots of time with her, as she did not go to bed early.
I missed some first times, like first rolling or sitting up. But I was there for most of them.
I am glad we did it. Kept the roof over our heads and took us where we are now.
Do not feel guilty OP, just ease him on it by letting him spend time with whoever is going to look after him, so it is not too much of a change at once.

Frankley · 23/11/2021 18:31

Try not to worry, my children both went to nursery when they were babies. Both grown up now and my daughter's children both went to a nursery when still babies. It has all worked out fine. I think l felt guilty at the time but realise that there were quite likely some advantages to them in the long run that l didn't realise then.

Original poster

xxxllbxxx · 23/11/2021 18:41

Thanks , I just have this fear of him forgetting as the first few weeks were quite traumatic after the birth and how I felt I have this anxiety like I'm letting him down but I suppose balance is good for me as well slowly getting back to work and a nice financial side for us both. Thanks everyone

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