DH to work 4.5 hrs away

[Hairydogmummy]

My DH is very close to getting a fantastic job that's right up his street but it's 4.5 hrs away. He doesn't want us to move and is thinking of doing something like 4 days there and 3 at home which it looks like they would agree to. It's a well paid but very responsible job and a perfect career step. He is having cold feet though about whether to do it. Mostly because of the logistics. Has anyone or their partner ever done something like this? How has it worked out? TIA.

Do you have children? Do you have a long term plan?

My DH did this for 5 years. It was a great opportunity but we didn't want to move. He was mostly 5 days away and 2 home. Our DC were small and I was studying at uni then working so it was hard going at times but I had very supportive friends nearby which helped. I also got a cleaner which was a life saver.

He would have to rent somewhere there or pay hotel costs? So would he really be any better off?

Do you mean 4 days at work then 3 at home including weekend/ days off? If he's basically asking for only 1 day working from home, I think he could/should get more.

If it's not a job where you can wfh and the 4 days is to squeeze 5 working days into 4, then I wouldn't do it. It would be very stressful for both of you add her basically be exhausted for 1-2 of the days he was home.

I currently live in Yorkshire with DH working in Oxfordshire, and his job will move to Hampshire in the next few months. At the moment he's away Sunday night to Friday night, with the odd Monday or Friday WFH. When his job moves he should hopefully have more WFH time. Fortunately he has work provided accommodation! He has a kettle, mini fridge and microwave in his room, which he uses for some meals, and has some meals in the work canteen.

Its hard for both of us in different ways. Hes got the long drives, living out of one room, not seeing the kids as much. But has a social life. My life is basically caring for the kids all the time... all the school stuff, appointments, extra curricular stuff during the week is my responsibility. The nearest I have to a social life is going for lunch with my MIL who comes once a week to see the children after school. I have no out of house hobbies etc as I can't go out. I'm close to losing my volunteer job as I keep having to cancel due to one or other of the children being ill.

But... we wanted stability for the kids, hence doing this.

My DH rented a small flat so live in while he was a way but the financial package made it worthwhile for him to do this.

@MerryMarigold He won't necessarily be exhausted. It depends on the individual person. My DH is a naturally early riser so even after driving home on a Friday evening he was always happy to get up with the DG the next morning. They wanted to see him and he wanted to see them and I got a long lie and a cup of tea!

Do you have DC? We did this pre DC when I was the one working away; it was quite hard as the evenings felt long on my own and he had to do a lot of the house stuff.

My dad did this twice (for a year each time) when I was growing up. He would leave either Sunday night or early Monday morning and return Friday evening. I don't think we ended up seeing him much less than when he had a long commute.

I'm not sure it's really sustainable in the long run though, so you may want to give yourselves a fixed period before deciding if you want to move the family closer

It depends so much on your children. Hard with v smalls, I'd think.

My dh works this sort of distance away leaves Sunday lunch and home Friday eve. I won't lie, it took some adjustment from me. We have 3 children. But once I got into a routine it was OK. Our relationship has never been better. We make more of an effort with each other. I would love him to be home more but he loves his job and unfortunately the best place for that is London way, we live in NW England. I have found that I have changed too, I have a hobby now, I am at uni too, I've done more for myself as I have evenings alone (before I felt bad doing my own things when he was in the house, sat alone!) It works well for us.

One thing that needs considering is where he will stay if work are not sorting. We are fortunate to have family near where dh works so he stays with them.

My XH did this when ours were little (DD had been born about 2 weeks when he accepted the job - should have realised really!!) First time he worked about 2 hours away and would stay over one night and come home the next alternately, which worked out well. Then we moved closer to that job and he took another temporary one which was on a UK island so about 8 hours and a short flight away!! This one he would come home every couple of weeks for 3-4 days, so much harder on us. He had a whale of a time, living the island life and being responsible for nobody but himself. And tbh I got into my stride too and realised that life wasn’t so hard without him here. It wasn’t that long after he came back that I started to realise we were both happier when he wasn’t here

If your relationship is strong, if he isn’t going to be utterly useless and in the way when he comes home and you’ll all actually be pleased to see each other, it could be a great move, but the money needs to make it worth his while, both for now (paying a cleaner etc) and for the future to make any family sacrifices pay off with eg nice holidays, bigger house, bigger pension that you get to share etc

A friend has just negotiated 50% WFH - but to be done as one week in the office, following week from home. Might he be able to get a whole week working from home occasionally?

It is workable but you both need to be organised make life easy for you when he's gone and maximise family time when he's home.
Batch cooking and having meals ready in the freezer.
Him assisting at home so you get time to relax.
It's easier when DC are younger but as they join clubs etc. you'll end up doing more evening mums taxi runs.

@NataliaSerene my son is off to uni soon and his are teenagers and live with mum. One of the reasons he doesn't want to move fully is because he wouldn't see much of them if we did.

@Sleepinghyena not sure yet. Obviously if he had to pay all the costs and the salary increase didn't make it worthwhile then it would be a no go.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Great that there are positive stories I can share with him and great suggestions too. Especially the cleaner. I teach full time so may struggle otherwise. I won't have any DCs in the house most of the time after September. He is asking to work from home part of the week by the week on week off is also a great suggestion. Unless he's very lucky he will need to take a job a good while away for his next promotion which he doesn't really want. He's just unsure how he would manage the lifestyle on top of the responsibility of the job.

Which he does really want. Damn autocorrect!

I do this - no children so it's easier. Self-employed so all hotel costs go against tax as well.

DH and I have done long distance relationship before so it wasn't a big step for us, our top tip would be to face time every night without fail even if you are too tired and have nothing to say to each other.

At home, yes to the cleaner, we see a lot more of each other than we did when I worked FT as work is done away from home, so when I am at home we actually have time for each other. Instead of get up early, commute every day, work, commute home, have dinner, do chores, check emails - realistically not much family time.

I did 3 hours away for about 4 years, Monday to Friday. I rented a place Monday to Friday only and my costs were actually less than some of my colleagues who commuted 45 mins daily by train. I was a contractor though so my daily rate could absorb the costs, I'm not so sure on a permanent salary.

The thing that used to bother me the most was having to come home and do washing at the weekends as no access to facilities Mon to Fri.

We've had to do this in short-ish stints, longest being 6 months. It was awful, granted our kids were younger, but I missed him so much I wished my life away living for the weekends. Life felt too short to live like that missing someone I loved. I have a good career so don't want to sound terribly dependent, but it's just hard to feel fulfilled when something is missing.

I’ve just googled FIFO relations tips. There is loads of information there.