How to cope with something big at work when you're only just hanging in there with life generally

[Spiceup]

I have a fairly senior management position that I'm usually recognised as being very good at.

However DH died a few months ago. Work have been brilliantly supportive, I had some compassionate leave and a phased return. I've been back FT for a month or so.

I'm doing OK. I think I'm still doing a decent job at my core role but whenever anything "extra" happens I feel out of control and easily overwhelmed. Examples,I had the kind of cold that you usually just carry on with but not feeling 100% physically made my usual daily routine practically impossible and I spent a week in bed. I've had some issues wih the heating at home that have taken all my last remaining reserves of mental energy.

So, we have something really big happening at work. It's huge for our organisation and will involve all the staff (160) but the bulk of it will fall to me to manage. It will tale about 3 months and be in addition to my usual role. Usually I'd see this as an exciting challenge, an opportunity to develop myself and raise my profile. All new to me but well within my capability, whilst being challenging enough to be interesting.

At the moment I really don't know how I'll cope. Just something like a staff member bringing a complaint to me (usual in my role) can push me very close to the edge.

I don't know where to begin in getting help or supporting myself. These are also things I would have once been good at.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about losing DH. Can you not tell work what you've said here? If they are decent employers I'm sure they'll take away the extra role and let you focus just on your core role until you let them know you'd like to again be considered for extra roles.

@refusetobeasheep

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about losing DH. Can you not tell work what you've said here? If they are decent employers I'm sure they'll take away the extra role and let you focus just on your core role until you let them know you'd like to again be considered for extra roles.

I don't think they can take it away. There's no one else. The only way to give it to someje else would be someone who really doesn't have the skills so it would be far more overwhelming for them than for me.

The timescale is completely fixed and out for our control too. It has to happen and it has to happen now. Which I realise exposes terrible contingency planning, but that's probably down to me too, although TBF things moved on quite quickly while I was off with DH.

I'm so sorry about your husband. No wonder you're feeling so fragile.

Can they give you an assistant for the extra role?

Can they relieve you of other jobs so that you can focus on this extra role?

OP "The only way to give it to someje else would be someone who really doesn't have the skills so it would be far more overwhelming for them than for me. "

Or they get you help, whatever you need.

Or they give it entirely to a different staff member or contractor. I realise you might not want that.
Btw I would not worry how someone else would cope.

You don't own or run the place I'm guessing? I appreciate it would be different if you did.

I'm so sorry. 1 month off just doesn't seem enough to me. 💐

@professionalcockney

I'm so sorry. 1 month off just doesn't seem enough to me. 💐

There's that too You could get signed for a longer period but I appreciate you might not want to.

I don't think they can take it away. There's no one else. The only way to give it to someje else would be someone who really doesn't have the skills so it would be far more overwhelming for them than for me.

I think it should go to one of those who aren't fully up to speed with their skills and you in a mentor role, so you will only be fielding contact and queries from that person, the tasks will be shared, you can supply knowledge without having to do all the legwork and added value for the company is there is a proper contingency for next time. Someone with not quite the skills is probably still going to be in a better position to take this on than you and that is totally normal and do not blame or pressure yourself on this.

My sincerest condolences

Hmm. I don't know, which realise is also part of my "problem". If it goes to someone else it will be someone who works for me, I'll still bear the responsibility and I doubt the workload of supporting them would be much less than doing it myself.

Plus I don't really know what I'm doing on it myself and it feels easier to muddle through by trial and error myself than to teach someone else to do that.

I think you need to go to HR and talk to them about it. If they were so good to you when your DH died (and I'm very sorry to hear that ) then surely they can help put some strategies in place that will help you with this?

OP, it is far too soon post bereavement to be expected to take on all this extra stress.
Nobody is indispensable- if you were off on long term sick leave they would simply have to manage without you. How they do that is their problem, not yours.
You need to speak to your GP and get signed off work with stress/anxiety. Alternatively, speak to your manager and say you can just about handle the day job, but there is no way you are fit to tackle anything beyond it. If they can offload it to an outside contractor, you might be able to carry on with the basics. But if they don’t, warn them you will be going on sick leave.
I understand how you feel. I was widowed with two babies while working as a hospital doctor. I only managed because I was part time, and even then the stress and exhaustion of juggling home, job, babies and bereavement, with no family nearby, nearly finished me.
Please prioritise your own needs for the next year at least. Grief is a long hard journey and you have barely begun it at this stage. Sending you a hug, and my prayers that you find the support you need, both emotionally and at work.

Oh dear. HR would be me! I manage all the business functions for an organisation of professional people. It can't be one of them and the only support I have are junior clerical assistants.

Sorry to hear about your DH. Could you have counselling? If you can't hand off the new thing, are there any other parts of your role you could hand off. The starting point needs to be a conversation with your line manager, saying what you've said here.

I think you should include that normally you would relish the opportunity but you aren't in the right mental space for extra responsibility at this time. I'd expect a decent employer to pick it up from there to support you. It's very early days still, you're doing so well

@Spiceup

Oh dear. HR would be me! I manage all the business functions for an organisation of professional people. It can't be one of them and the only support I have are junior clerical assistants.

But you are someone's direct report? So you can talk to them about it?

Yes and if I don't do it she'll have to is I suppose the bottom line, but this "thing" is already a heavy weight on her shoulders. I've noticed signs that she might be cracking recently.

I'm no2 in the organisation and usually very capable. Honest!

Can you bring in a consultant? If it is someone who has worked as a consultant before, you will be surprised at how quickly they can get up to speed and, as they are only there for the short term, will just get on with the job with no interest in the politics or power plays. And if they've done it before, that knowledge will make up for anything they don't know about the company.
I'm not great at delegating stuff only but have various mounds of shit hitting the fab last year, brought in a consultant and was amazed at how quickly they dealt with a couple of them meaning I could deal with the rest.

@Spiceup

I'm no2 in the organisation and usually very capable. Honest!

Surely as 1 & 2 you can jointly decide to get help in?

It sounds to me like you have resigned yourself to doing it so why dont you do anything else you can to make it easier. So you could get a cleaner in sometime to do your laundry and ironing walk your dog get meals delivered. Anything you can to ensure you can focus on just that. Also speak to your boss and make it clear that it feels like a stretch right now so once it's done you want to take a holiday and then for the 3 months after that stick to core role nothing extra.