Senior role, breadwinner - feel like I need to give it all up

[Username688337]

1 DC just left for school in tears because I barked at her (it’s pissing it down, her tiny jacket was in her school bag instead of wearing it). Not how I wanted the first morning back after half term to go.

It was partly because I was distracted answering emails on my phone so wasn’t able to stay on top of their getting ready. And the reason I lost my shit because I slept horrendously (drifted off around 6am) so am stupidly tired and like a zombie this morning.

Now I'm in tears too feeling terrible that I upset her. Reminds me of my own DM barking at me and going into school all teary.

So no sleep and the previous morning time I do get with DC was spent distracted.

I’ve been the main or sole breadwinner for the last 10 years, so all of DC’s lives. Working FT, now in a senior role and we live abroad.

Recent promotion has landed me in a tricky place at work. I’ve inherited a drowning project that has no real buy-in, and I’ve expressed several times that continuing as-is is a bad idea, but am repeatedly told “make it happen”. Even if we do land it, things will be awful afterwards and I’m now touted as the fricking poster girl for it.

I dream of being made redundant.

I don’t know how much longer I can continue, but my options are limited. I work in a niche area, the pay is very good, and I know nothing else. Moreover, where we live there simply aren’t other opportunities.

DH is the perfect SAHD who does his “trade” as a sideline, fitting it in around the kids. But he earns approx 10% of my salary. Even if he were to work FT, it couldn’t sustain our life. He is Mr Laidback so it felt right that me as the more ambitious one could go for the corporate career.

I feel so stuck. And I’m so resentful of the last 10 years. I hated being a SAHM on my maternity leave but honestly I think that more links back to my relationship with my own mother and not really knowing how to be a good mum and thinking that work was the perfect excuse to step away from that bit.

I don’t think I’ve ever been very true to myself, never listened to myself properly.

And here I am, desperate for an exit plan.

Isnt the problem here that SAHD wasn't sorting DD for school so you were trying to do it and work?

If that's representative of other parts of the home/childcare division then I think you need to have a discussion about how you divide tasks up with DH so that you can work and make sure that DD is where she needs to be.

Just apologise to your daughter later, and explain the work/lack of sleep issues.

Your real issue is work, and the doomed project. Without that issue you sound happy with your set-up. You're the career driven, ambitious one, DH is the home body SAHD.

It's a gamble but could you call a meeting to discuss stepping down from the project of doom? Maybe returning to your previous role? Were there other candidates for your current role who would jump at the opportunity? If you hint at leaving do you think they would be keen to keep you on, but in a different role? It's tough, I've kind of been there, but I wasn't the high earner at home so I left for a lesser paid role.

I think maybe SAHD needs to step up here? If you are in a stressful place workwise why didn't he take her to school?

No not really.

He had done everything else this morning, and was sorting dc2 whilst dd1 went off piste whilst I was checking emails, because work is so all consuming.

And more broadly we are like a 1950s couple in reverse. He does ALL house stuff (plus work PT) and I work 120%.

I’ve totally lost the balance. I have no time for myself. I work til midnight after the kids are in bed.

I envy the SAHMs or those in an “easy” job with low stress. I would love to go to the gym and go for coffee or have the family meal plan as my biggest stress.

Hahaha! Exactly right. The Dad should have been getting them ready for school. First poster nails it. Be a bit kinder to yourself. Mornings can be like this for everyone. Your job sounds very stressful at the moment. Could you suggest a meeting at work to go through the project and all the reasons why it's a bad idea and keep an eye peeled for other jobs.

I don't know what industry you are in, but it helps a lot in mine when we remember it's essentially vacuous. If the thing doesn't get finished in time, nobody dies, yes we're going to have an uncomfortable conversation with a client but it's not worth stress on the team.

I think you firstly need to stop being so hard on yourself - yes you may have "barked" this morning but that doesn't mean you're turning into your mother. Just apologise and promise yourself you'll be more careful in future.

Then I think you need to get some advice specifically around how to deal with your work situation. Sounds like you've been placed on a "glass cliff". Theresa May is the classic example of this and she seems to be doing fine in her career now I suppose. There's a website called "ask a manager" that would be good for this or you could also ask on here as there are lots of other senior women about who can advise.

I think you know deep down you would have been absolutely miserable as a sahm living on a low income brought in by your husband. Nothing wrong with doing that but it sounds like it's just not you. You've had a bad morning, don't catastrophise it but use it as a springboard to take a little more control of things at work and at home.

@76WasAHotSummer you’re right, it’s work.

I’ve just stepped away from my “old” role to be promoted to lead the project. So I can’t hint at leaving (yet). The project is a mess. I spent the summer trying to fight it, and take a new direction but it was already too far along. Now I have to stand there “making it happen” and out on a smile whilst doing it… and honestly it will be bullshit. Life post-project will be a nightmare. It is not the right thing to do, overall confidence of success at implementation and sustain is super low. Privately my stakeholders are mumbling that no one wants this, publicly they all support it.

I report into the board so there’s nowhere else to escalate to.

I am getting nothing from this… other than a salary.

@NotJustACigar yes glass cliff is it. You are right that I need to not throw the baby out with the bath water… but it’s deeper than just this project. I think I’ve been hiding behind work, that I have used it as an excuse to be partially engaged with the kids and not have to worry about whether I’m being a good mum or not.

I struggled when I had dc2 (poss PND undiagnosed) and did hate the thankless monotony. But that was with a 2 year old and a baby. Now the kids are easier (late primary age) I don’t think I’d struggle in the same way.

And you are right that I need to find a different balance and that this should propel me. Today, with less than 1hr sleep is not the day to do that

Take some annual leave or sick days. You're going to make yourself ill!!

Hey OP, I really feel for you right now. I think it’s time you put yourself first. Work is always going to be there but your children won’t as they grow so fast. As they get older they need you more than they did when they were little. Right now I get your life is being consumed by this project but it’s time you delegated & took some me & family time. Spk to your daughter tonite about your reaction but I do think you need to tell your husband how you are feeling. It’s time he understood the burden you are feeling. Talk to each other and listen. Try working 4 days for a couple of weeks only so you are present in family life and then you can put things in perspective.....right know you are just fighting fire & it’s relentless. Hope that helps you Op I really do.

Thank you.

I’m very undisciplined too which doesn’t help.

DH knows, I had a cry a couple of weeks ago, and then again this morning.

I don’t have the option to work part time but will try to take a couple of days. And I’m never sick!! Perhaps I should be on the odd day

I did have therapy a few years ago to work through the issues with my DM. I think I’m a different person now, and I’m actually quite scared that I am just selling my soul to the corporate devil under the pretence that I’m happy.

I feel like I would be happy if I didn’t have work and instead could get fit, learn the local language, go on day trips, have headspace to meal plan properly, and really invest in the kids’ lives (eg making friends with their friends’ parents).

DH has gone off today wondering how the duck he can earn 10x his salary. He looks like a rabbit caught in headlights.

A lottery win would solve everything.

God, is this a midlife crisis???

I’ve been there OP.
It’s one reason why I used to leave the house at 4:30 am , go to the gym and then into work at 6am. So I could skip the whole morning, kids, breakfast routine. I theoretically was supposed to be off at 3pm every day to do school run, spend afternoon with kids, help with homework and such.

But the more senior I got, the more often I was working later and later and the kids going to after school care. It sort of slowly crept up on me that my work-life balance had tipped way too far towards work.

So I had to scale back. I started to leave my work phone in my car so I would not check emails from when I got home until the next morning at the gym. My management had my personal number so I felt, if it’s a real emergency, they’ll call me.

I told my secretary to block off my calendar from 4pm onwards as a no go zone and stopped working later and later.

I had hundreds and hundreds of hours of holidays not taken. I was always rolling over the maximum every year. There never was a quiet time of year to take off weeks of holiday. So I started to use it up by taking every other Friday off. Which helped my stress immensely because those became my “me” days.

Can you take a good hard look at finances and figure out how much you need to earn to cover the outgoings and give yourself a bit of a buffer.

Once you have that firmly fixed in mind you can look at what viable options there are.

Do you:
A) need to keep earning what you are right now, in which case are there other jobs you can apply for that would give you that?
B) have the option to drop a day and still cover the outgoings
C) have the option to drop a day but would need DH to work part time that day to bridge the gap
D) have the option to earn slightly less, look for a role that's still full time but less pressure.

I recognise the hole you are in having been in it myself.

It's a lot of pressure on a person to be the main earner. DP and I went through this, we split for 2 years as I'd had enough of earning all the money and felt under such pressure from everywhere.

Well done @PlanDeRaccordement for pulling it back.

I guess I am feeling that I don’t even want to HAVE to pull it back. I don’t want to be chained to my desk, I don’t want to feel restricted by work, I don’t want to put my game face on and do presentations and go-lives and deep dives and alignment and influencing and all that stuff.

I can think of a juicy project further down the road and am like “oooh that’ll be a good one” then feel like I need to give my head a wobble because wtf has happened to me to think that that is interesting.

Its almost funny how we sit on calls each day talking so seriously about shit that doesn’t really matter, and that I do more of that than talking to DH and the DC. Like explaining to aliens that footballers are paid millions to kick a ball around and that millions of people watch this for entertainment. Like when you stop and think about it, it all just seems fucking nuts.

The cashable benefits must be displayed in the business case, how can we measure the success of the capability building, and let’s ensure the sustainability of the service line.

yada yada yada

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo
I live in a very small city where my employer is the only company with an HQ here. There just aren’t other opportunities here at my level or more junior levels… I could commute 2.5hrs to another city, but the thought of that is exhausting too. I can’t drop my hours (project is a mess, plus all the younger women I mentor I always advise against 80% because in reality it’s 100% for 20% less pay).

I feel really trapped.

@Kerberos sorry you felt like this. What did you do work-wise?

It’s not even so much the pressure, it’s the lack of alternatives - whether that is more junior opportunities, or a different career (I’m pretty averagely qualified and just fell into my niche), and the financial comfort zone we’re in that makes it hard to step back from.

Can you work remotely? You're right, none of it matters. Finally realised that myself in the last couple of years after slogging away for an employer that would replace me tomorrow (and take a long time to recruit and train someone up but still!) There is more to life.

Take a couple of days off sick and get some time to yourself to just THINK. Not rush around or do jobs but just have some space.

Well I’m only in the office 1-2 days per week. As an introvert i loved wfh during the lockdowns (not that it gave me much more free time - commute is 10 mins by car) but given my role it’s important to be there in person too.

I’ve thought about consulting to give me some more flexibility (and solitary working) but honestly the thought of chasing work without the certainty of the salary gives me hives.

Sorry, I meant, you were saying about your employer being the only option in your city. But can you work from home for xyz random company and get a new job? I just turned down a position as it was 2 days in the office and 3 wfh and I don't want to be in the office at all, other than any big meetings etc.

Possibly, though there’s not loads of positions in this country. I was headhunted earlier in the year and it was 2-3 days in the office 2.5hrs away, so I said I’d do 1x night overnight pw, but ended up being too senior / their salary was too low.

Working here remotely for another company abroad is also difficult and would prob not pay enough (I’m in an expensive place)

I've been in a similar position - handed a drowing project and told to make it work. When I couldn't (because the problem wasn't the customer as they evidently thought) I got the blame for it and was shoved ceremoniously back out the door. However, as a contractor I could afford to dust myself off, refuse to work for that organisation again, and go about my day.

So what I would say is:

• cut yourself some slack. You're not Superwoman. I would make a conscious effort not to deal with emails during school getting ready time - you know that time is precious, and no hastily done emails are going to save your project
• deal with your sleep. No more working til midnight.
• cover your arse. You report to the board, so be very clear with them when you do that the project is screwed. Ultimately they carry the can for it (even if they don't think so). They've rebuffed your efforts to rescue the project so all you can do is make sure none of them can later claim they didn't realise what was going to happen. Risks & Issues register, get it minuted, the usual stuff.
• find a sounding board. You may not have a line manager but is there someone you can trust who you could vent to? For the project team you need to be projecting calm leadership in the face of despair, but you need someone you can talk things over with.

It sounds like a shit situation all round. I think you'll learn a lot from it, and hopefully this can guide you to your next project being less of a shitshow.

Yeah @tribpot, I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens to me at some point in all honesty. My predecessor had grand ideas, and sold the good bits to the business, and glazed over the bad bits - which I’m now left trying to sort out. And there are waaaay more bad bits than good.

Your tips are great and indeed my current strategy is to lay it all on the table, reiterate the risks and highlight the inability to create mitigation’s without spending $$$$.

I have a ear to bend at work with a colleague who’s not directly related. She gets it, which is great.

I was coming back yesterday after a week off for half term and naively thought I’d feel refreshed and motivated. Nope. I feel more despondent than ever.

But I did sleep for 10 hours straight last night and didn’t yell at the kids this morning, so today might be a bit better.