Neurodiversity and HR matters

[Wednesdaynighthelp]

To set the scene, this is about a small organisation. There is no HR function. The owner runs the business. It is generally a pleasant and not a toxic environment but there's a lot left to be desired in terms of how employees are managed and issues dealt with.

In the past there was a neurodiverse employee who ended up in a disciplinary process and left of their own accord. There was no performance management or anything of that kind. They just (unfairly IMO) got in trouble for behaviours linked to their condition, with no understanding of them or accommodations around their requirements. Each time they didn't just 'snap out of it' and 'sort themselves out' (not verbatim but that's the gist of it) , they got another warning. Whilst the issues weren't helpful for the business, I do believe it could all have been managed better and that the disciplinary process did a huge amount of harm to a fairly vulnerable person.

They were young and it wasn't in their nature to challenge things so although they were unfairly treated they didn't do anything about it from a legal point of view.

I joined not long before they left the business.

Although I don't have an official diagnosis, I am also neurodiverse and it has been semi confirmed by professionals who can't give a formal diagnosis. I have shared this information with the owner. Whilst they appear understanding, I am now on the same path as this previous employee, being told I need to try harder. The owner seems to think that it's quite easy to act in a neurotypical way if I just put my mind to it.

I'm not really sure what the solution is. I haven't had these exact problems before, despite my condition. There is something about this particular setup that has made work more difficult for me and the way it has been managed has increased the challenge so I'm now under a huge amount of pressure.

I know the best thing to do might just be to find another job, but with my personal circumstances that's easier said than done.

I'm management. I'm not a junior member of staff, if that makes any difference. I'm very experienced and have been successful in the past but my working style seems to upset my boss and he's insistent it's straightforward for me to change a lifetime's behaviours so that I'm doing things the way he wants. It's not that I don't want to. It's just very difficult for me to.

Any words of wisdom?

Can you say what you can do and try and meet him half way? He sounds very controlling if things have to be done a certain way though.

He doesn't question the quality of my work or my work ethic or the way I work with people. He knows I'm very capable. That's all good but this perception he has that I'm a failure in the way I work taints everything else for him and is non-negotiable.

He doesn't understand there's a fundamental issue with some of his expectations due to the way I'm wired.

His approach is starting to make things almost impossible for me and make the situation far worse.

He doesn't feel responsible at all for it, even though I've pointed out this situation is not the norm for me so there's something specific going on here which has pushed issues I've managed to mask previously and deal with off the scale.

There's no meeting half way for him. I've tried. It just doesn't seem to get through. What are you supposed to say to the kind of person who thinks saying 'try harder' is going to solve everything?

I’m neurodiverse. And I’m ridiculously senior in my field, working at a high level for a number of clients almost without issue for more than 20 years (even though my social persona is spikey to say the least, and my networking skills non-existent)
Except one client. Just felt…odd. Started to feel uncomfortable and couldn’t really place why, then twigged that ‘I’ was getting judged rather than my work. Felt exactly like being back in school and getting low level bullying for not ‘fitting in’. Felt like I was 13 again, rather than nearly 50.
My advice? Leave. HTH. Your mental health will suffer and it isn’t worth it. Looking back at the experience I had, no way could anyone knock it out of the park, work-wise, AND deal with the feeling of the ground shifting under your feet because you are a square peg, AND challenge and change the
culture.
Had I not left when I did I am fairly sure my performance levels would have dropped drastically (it was my starting to see this that tipped the balance for me), and I didn’t need THAT on top of everything else.
If you really can’t leave, then I suggest you ask a meeting to agree KPIs for the next six months and set out your plan to meet these, and also set out clearly what you will not be doing. If you are able to meet your KPIs on your terms then he will have no grounds for complaint, and if the KPIs can’t be met realistically (without doing the stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable) then you either need to renegotiate those KPIs or accept this isn’t the role for you.

Thanks Blessed. That's useful. It does feel like he's made his mind up about me based on a kind of bias rather than reality but he'd also made his mind up about this particular issue long before ever mentioning it to me. At that point he came to me telling me I was a failure, despite there being good reason for me struggling to be exactly what he wanted - namely that I was brand new to the company and wasn't given any guidance or introduction but just left to it with no input from him whatsoever.

When I asked why he hadn't mentioned it before, it turned out it was some stupid kind of test to see if I would realise there was an issue without him telling me. I should have magically known what his expectations were and that I wasn't meeting them. As I said, not a great manager.

It's hard to leave because opportunities in my field (particularly for a middle aged woman) are limited. But it is having a significant impact on my MH and ability to function.

I think you need to a) retain a solicitor and b) start the process of getting a formal diagnosis. "Semi confirmed" is unconfirmed.

But ultimately you have no future in this company. It's not like there's another manager you can be assigned to and they are probably too small to have the resources to make adaptations, plus the relationship is likely to irrevocably break down. So make your long term plans with that in mind.

Blessed, your post is amazing. I really needed to read that today.

I have just handed in my notice because of this. When I'm capable and efficient and on top of things, it's fine. When I am struggling horribly, I'm weird and broken and there is no going back from that in terms of the perception of others. Try harder (we know you can make it work). I am struggling because of a huge change of environment now, no choice in it. I have asked for both an appraisal and some KPIs to help - haven't been able to receive these for about 8 months. I'm so beaten down I can't really even be hopeful about new things, but I will be.

I gave notice about 18 months ago and was persuaded to stay, which was probably the best option for lockdown, but I now just feel that my decision was made then, and I have not been able to talk myself round because of the expectation to be the same rather than to explore and make improvements.

Sorry, it is not about me. I wanted to say I sympathise, and I have tried very hard with the 'suck it and see' approach but it was mostly painful and I have come to the same conclusion.

Sorry you are also struggling Ormally. It's such a difficult situation. If I was feeling stronger, it wouldn't be so hard to try and come up with a KPI plan with my boss to work to, but my motivation has dropped and everything is harder now as I'm being told I'm a failure (not wholly but in a way that makes him view me over all as a failure), and I therefore feel like a failure. It's not a great place to be starting from if I have to do all the work myself without, which goes without saying.

I've tried with the formal diagnosis but my GP won't refer. I've had treatment for low level MH issues over the years, that I think have been misdiagnosed or are related to my condition, which the NHS has and will have to continue to fund, but it won't fund a diagnosis that would help stop the cycle.

*without support

OP, a fast track way to get a diagnosis is through Psychiatry UK - they're private but accept NHS referrals through the NHS "Right to Choose". You can get shared care post diagnosis which means any medication will be prescribed my your NHS GP.
I've checked out all the private ADHD / ASD type assessors and P-UK consistently come out best, with high CQC rating, and all assessments and diagnoses done by a GMC registered psychiatrist.

Well, doesn't he sound like a charm?

I don't think getting a formal diagnosis is really going to help you here. Yes, I guess legally he will be obliged to make adjustments for you but will he really? Or will he just make life even more difficult in other ways?

I would be looking for something else pronto if I were you.

I have ADHD and regret disclosing it to previous employers. Got treated in a humiliating way all under the guise of helping.

Having said that if you're on the way out you may as well give yourself some employment protection in case he tries to dismiss you for performance before you find a new job.

I have a health condition that is a disability. Its not neuro diversity, but is invisible. It's really hard when people just don't get that.

I think you need a diagnosis, can you go private to get it quickly?

Then, how would you feel / how do you think he would react if you were really blunt - on the basis that if the other option is leaving, you have nothing to lose! Something like calmly but firmly saying

'I am disabled, I cannot do this the way you want me to. I can do the task, I can get the result you want, but my disability means I need to do the process differently. If I were in a wheelchair, would you accept I need to use a lift, or would you insist I had to use the stairs? This is the same thing.'