I really messed up going back to work after DH's death

[RunningStrong]

I work in school, DH died at the end of June and hadI mpassionate leave until the end of term.

We went back with a couple of INSET days where I was able to come and go to suit myself. Over that first weekend, I developed a cold, nothing serious, bit of a sore throat and headache, so I went back FT from the Monday.

By Weds the cold was quite bad and I'd developed a cough so WFH while I had a PCR (negative). By Thurs I could barely drag myself out of bed and have been off sick ever since. Not getting any better even though it's now 10 days since the first symptoms. Still very achy, blinding headache, sore throat, cough, runny nose, exhausted. No temperature.

Now, I have a cold, nothing unusual about that, especially when you return to work in school after a lengthy absence. What is unusual is how hard it's hit me and how badly I'm coping with it. In my slightly weakened physical state , I seem to have shut down and don't have mental capacity for anything.

At the start of term I really wanted to get back to normal. Now I'm thinking that was a bit rash. If I'm not well enough to go back by Thurs I need a doctor's certificate. Some questions:

• I've never, in my 50 odd years had a certificate before. Is it just a question of asking, would they give one for a cold?
• I won't get an appointment before then, will they issue one without seeing/talking to me?
• Should I "admit" this is likely to be tied up with the bereavement and ask for more time?
• I'm thinking maybe off the rest of this week to recover properly and then a phased return, which TBF boss did offer but I felt I didn't need.

So I have some practical concerns about how you go about getting a doctors certificate (fit note?) but also what to do for the best going forward.

WWYD?

Gp appointment and talk through what you've described here. I'd be very surprised if GP had any issue with 2 weeks off to properly recover....you've been through a lot.
Then negotiate phased return with your manager, who sounds like a reasonable person.
You need to look after yourself.

Do it. It’s much easier for your school to know they need to cover you for 2 weeks than you being in and out.

Ps I hope you feel better soon-you are very brave. Hugs x

You should be able to get a phone appt with GP. I would just be straight forward and say that you need some time off to recover.

Your body is drained and likely to pick up all bugs and viruses with your immune system. You've been through so much. I think you need to rest, recover and build yourself up. The suggestion of a gradual return is a good one.

Take care

For what it's worth, I will preface this by saying I work in HR so I'm not just making it all up

• I've never, in my 50 odd years had a certificate before. Is it just a question of asking, would they give one for a cold?

Yes. GPs understand that the majority of workplaces ask for a fit note (GP certificate) for any absence longer than 7 calendar days. They're not making a judgement about whether or not you were ill enough to be off work, they're confirming that you *were (or are) ill and aren't just moonlighting in a contract job or taking advantage of a last minute holiday deal.

• I won't get an appointment before then, will they issue one without seeing/talking to me?

If they can't even squeeze you in for a fast telephone consultation, ask if there's a practice nurse you could speak to. They'd be able to confirm the information for the GP to issue the note.

• Should I "admit" this is likely to be tied up with the bereavement and ask for more time?

Yes, definitely, especially as your manager has already offered.

• I'm thinking maybe off the rest of this week to recover properly and then a phased return, which TBF boss did offer but I felt I didn't need.

Certainly sounds like it, have a chat with your boss and explain that you're finding it harder than you expected to. We always advise managers to be as flexible as possible for people returning to work in situations like yours, no-one knows how things like grief are going to impact them until it happens.

Are you in Scotland? I would do another pcr test.

@WTF99

You should be able to get a phone appt with GP. I would just be straight forward and say that you need some time off to recover.

I will only get a phone appointment in the first instance, but not for 2-3 weeks unless I say it's an emergency. I just tried, first telephone appointment is 30 Sep.

Well it is an emergency then in that you need an answer this week and nit on the 30th Sept.

The definition of emergency in this case is not ' I need A&E'. Id that was the case you'd be ringing an ambulance not trying to get a GP appt.

Put your needs first and say that you need to speak to a GP today, tomorrow or Thursday

Speak to the doctor and see if prepared to give a sicknote for grief. Sadly having known people at work in these situations they have often come back too soon and GPS were always more than supportive with providing a sicknote

Talk to your employer about an OH referral, any counselling they can arrange for you and talk about a phased return when you are able to go back.

I am also told gp can backdate a sicknote as you can't get an appointment yet

Take care of yourself.

Book an emergency appt. Get a sick note for 2/3 weeks initially and then do a phased return. You are expecting more of yourself than those around you.

Grief really battered my immune system. As did trying to do far too much.

You're rushing in and your body is screaming "hang on a minute..... " so listen to it. Get some high strength vitamin C and just slow down a while.

It could well be worth doing another PCR test given the way this has hung around.

@Droite

It could well be worth doing another PCR test given the way this has hung around.

Yes, I have kept doing LGTs but.I realise not the same.

When I took the PCR to the post box I had to have a rest on a garden wall on the way back! I probably looked drunk I was struggling to stay upright so much.

LFTs!

Op...dont be put off by the "emergency" thing. If I had what I thought was an emergency medical condition I wouldn't be heading to my GP!
It's all a question of definition...you need an appointment in a given timeframe because you are unwell and not fit for work.

I wouldn't rely on getting a backdated note....I think the GP has to sign to say...'I examined you today and found....' so backdating not really an option.

OP, the postman collects pcr tests.

This sounds very like coronavirus and I am sending you so so much sympathy.

Ah, lovely, you're in the thick of your grief still. You need more time. Get the note and get it for as long as possible.

I got shingles when my dmum died. I was in a bad way actually and the go told me that grief can really knock you about in ways you don't expect.

Have you any support in real life?

My GP website has a form for people who need a fit note, might be worth checking yours.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/the-fit-note-a-guide-for-patients-and-employees/the-fit-note-guidance-for-patients-and-employees

This section may cover a previous period if your doctor thinks that your condition has affected your fitness for work before your assessment.

It can be backdated prior to date of assessment.

l am very sorry for your loss.
I think you need to prioritise your own health before work. Can you reduce your hours, in these circumstances it's not unreasonable. You are bound to be feeling exhausted and run down. Grieving really takes its toll.
Don't feel bad for taking time off, it's crucial you look after yourself, if you dont, you will pay for it further on down the line.
When l lost my husband l never forget being told you have to look after yourself like you've just come out of A & E. Your body and mental health has undergone massive trauma.
I am sure as time goes on , you will feel more energised, but for now it's still early days. Good luck.

So sorry about your husband.

Nothing to add from the HR side of things but there does seem to be some nasty colds going round recently. I had one last month and usually I can just get on with things but the body aches and headaches are nothing like I experienced before. I know of a few others who have had colds like this too. I'm now coming down with a new cold a month after the first one.

Covid as weakened our all immune systems with less socialisation and more hygiene but after all you have been through I'm sure it's even weaker.

I hope you recover soon and can take the time you need