Not going back to work

[mamafairy]

Hello

I'm new to mumsnet - DS born 11 weeks ago. Finding it really, really tough (PND and a sibling who has just suffered a miscarrriage after IVF, five weeks after DS born) so discovering mumsnet and all your conversations very comforting and inciteful.

I have a quandary: I have taken 3 months of mat leave from my job, but I am really unsure as to whether to go back. I can take up to 9 months.

I wanted to leave my job anyway because I wanted to go on a course and change career, and then I fell pregnant. I stayed in the job because I was worried about finances when I went on maternity leave.

I've been agonising for the last month about whether to go back. First of all I said I'd go back so I feel they'd be really annoyed if I didn't. I don't want to burn my bridges with them, but the thought of going back fills me with horror - it's a stressful job, plus I don't really want my DS in full time childcare.

Anyone said they were going back to work, then changed their mind? Was their name mud because of this? Or anyone gone back to work despite dreading it and been pleasantly suprised?

Any advice gratefully received xxx

I would say that this is not the time to be making irrevocable decisions. You say you can have up to 9 months leave. Could you tell your work that you need longer than 3 months? Things may look very different in 6 months time.

IMO 3 months is way too soon, both for you and your baby. If you can survive for another 6 months then go for it. You're entitled to it so take it. Tell work sooner than later, though, so they can organise.

BTW I went back when my baby was 9mo and it was fine although a bit of a wrench. The upside was that I could finally go to the loo by myself.

Yes, the thing is I don't have to return just yet at all. So I don't need to tell them anything at the moment.

I guess I felt the sooner I told them I don't want to return (if that's the case) the better. But I have been agonising over it (mainly during nightfeeds) for ages so I think maybe trying not to think about it for a while is a good idea.

Thanks for your msg, so good to get objective advice.

You should be entitled to up to a year's maternity leave (in teh UK), 9 months of which is paid. I caouldn't have gone back at 3 months, but was OK going back at 6 months p/t. You can also ask about flexible working.

Don't you have to give 28 days notice? No more than that I think. I let work know nefore then, but was def planning on returning.

Put yourself in your employers' shoes.

Women don't return after maternity leave every day of the year, throughout the world. Even though you think your employers might not be very pleased with your decision, they won't fall off their chairs in surprise (or, if they do, they are exceedingly naïve and probably wouldn't be good employers of a mother with a young baby).

So - take as much maternity leave as you want/can afford and reassess your options, based on your circumstances and feelings, in due course.

I agree with Anna - all employers will have been in this situation. Women regularly say that they'll come back and then change their minds. In fact, women regularly say that they'll come back when they have no intention whatsoever of doing so (for various reasons like getting more maternity pay under a company scheme or keeping their options open). Your employer will not be surprised if you do not.

In terms of leave, you are entitled to a year. I presume when you say that you can have up to 9 months you mean because you can't afford to take the three month unpaid bit? In that case, I would mentally set yourself the goal that you need to have made a decision at least a couple of months before you would go back. You will need at least this long to organise childcare, plus you need to mentally get your head straight to go back. This is also a decent amount of warning to give your employer if you decide to go the other way and become a SAHM (although you actually only need to tell them in time to give your normal notice period - one month or whatever).

That gives you at least another four months before you need to worry about it. See how you feel then. In the meantime, just relax and enjoy it. Lots of women I know have totally altered their views (in both directions) during their time off.

Three months is such a short time to take off! Dont go back to work because you are worried about what they will think, this is so unimportant compared to you spending time with DS while he is a tiny baby - which is what it sounds like you want to do. It would be awful to go back and later regret missing such a precious time that passes so quickly and is so insignificant an amount of time in the long-term.

Personally, I said that I would go back to work after a year off, then towards the end of the year, I asked for part-time, which they refused, so I resigned. At the time I went on mat leave I probably would have been worried about their opinion of me but months down the line, with a baby, it really didnt matter, my life there seemed so far away and not important compared to family. I remained friends with the people I was friends with there, as for people like the MD, does it really matter, given that I will probably never see him again? I doubt he is really that bothered anyway, as Anna said, I think employers are always slightly braced for new mums not to come back to work, no matter what they initially say.

Take as much time as you want and can afford.

Thank you everyone. I feel reassured. I feel I'm jumping the gun too soon, trying to sort things out before I've even got used to motherhood. I'll make sure I enjoy these early months, and see how I feel in a few months' time. Thanks xx