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Work/illness/bereavement

3 replies

SaturdaySpread · 12/09/2021 10:13

DH died after a fairly long illness at the and of the Summer term.

I work in school. Head has been brilliant. I wanted to keep working while DH was in hospital (we weren't allowed to visit anyway) but she allowed lots of flexibility. When he came home, I worked from home quite a bit and when things got really bad I had a few weeks compassionate leave, then we broke up for the summer.

The first 3 days back, she told me to come and go as it suited me, not to do too much. Which I did, whilst trying not to take unreasonable advantage.

Then that weekend I developed a sore throat and a headache. Not fun but no worse than a million other colds I've worked through so I went back to work FT from this Monday. By Weds I was really poorly and had a cough so WFH while I had a PCR test (negative). On Thurs I couldn't even manage to wfh and slept all day, again on Fri.

I've been a bit better over the weekend but the headache hasn't shifted and have a real barking cough. Very tired/feelings of exhaustion still.

Now, boss is going to assume this is all down to the bereavement and suggest I take more time. I feel like I could take more time. I definitely have been ill with some sort of virus, but I guess the emotional strain I've been under probably contributed to my vulnerability and my ability to (not) carry on with a cold.

I really don't know what to do. In normal tines I'd be back to work tomorrow, not feeling 100% and still coughing but, OK. (A real barking cough)

Going anywhere with a cough ATM is problematic, but not reason to stay at home with a clear test.

I've had so much time off. I want to do the right thing but I don't want to set up a cycle of being in for a few days and then off again.

FWIW before all this my attendance was excellent. No more than one absence every couple of years.

I know I'm rambling, not sure what I'm asking really, just trying to think things through. Boss really wants to help, but I wonder if just having to get on with things might be better... or not?

OP posts:
Willdoitlater · 12/09/2021 20:24

I'm so sorry for your loss. And a bit disappointed on your behalf that your only reply so far is from me. I haven't been in your situation so feel free to ignore. But here are some thoughts.

You have been through /are going through something huge. You wrote 'in normal times...', but this isn't normal times. It is surely never 'normal' to be widowed. So don't force yourself to be your normal, reliable hard-working self. It doesn't seem from your post that anyone (except maybe you yourself) is expecting you to be.

It's good that your boss wants to help. I would have thought being clear with your boss and only commiting to going in if you can really be reliable would be helpful to them.

You sound tired and you sound as if making decisions is hard. Surely again that is normal in your situation.

I would take a few more days to get over the virus and regain enough strength to think more clearly. Then reassess how I felt physically and emotionally. I would also give myself permission to think in terms of weeks off rather than days,. If you think about it and decide you'd be better off at work that's fine but at the moment your job is really to do what you need to do to ensure you can sustain a return in the long term.

Final thought: a virus plus emotional upheaval is a recipe for post-viral fatigue. If you don't take time to get over this virus properly now, you may end up needing longer to fully recover.

Now I'm tired and rambling too. If this hasn't helped, feel free to ignore.

anonymouslyusing · 12/09/2021 20:29

Please take at least this week off to rest. These aren’t normal times and you’ve been through so much that it’s no wonder you’re ill and struggling to shake it. You’re most definitely not being unreasonable or taking advantage.

Candleabra · 12/09/2021 20:35

After my husband died I had 3 months off work. And I still wasn't ready to go back (I pushed myself, trying desperately to feel 'normal' but you can't rush some things). Take as much time as you need (or can have). This is unprecedented territory for you. There is no normal at the moment. Take time to heal, grieving is physically and emotionally exhausting.
Very sorry for your loss, it's a terrible thing to lose your partner.

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