SAHM, skint, can't get a job

[Hellena]

I've been at home with my youngest who is now starting school. My boyfriend works, decent job, enough for us to live on comfortably but he sees it as his money which every pay day I have to tell him how much I need and he might eventually put some money in my account. All the bills come out of my account, as well as me being responsible for food shop and all those things.

I'm applying for everything I see in the hope I get something cleaning, shop work, offices but as I have no recent references as I've been out of work 5 years they choose someone else. I've talked to my bf about me doing some voluntary work in a charity shop or local food bank to try and get a reference but he tells me I'm not working for free as I won't be earning or at home looking after the house and that it's not fair on him to have to work then sort the house on the days I'm out.

I feel like a slave. I desperately want to work so I can have just a little money but the way to that I'm being told no, but then he calls me lazy and to get a job. I'm starting to get very depressed by the situation. He has a good life, social life through work friends and I feel that I have to clean the house or walk in to a decent job to be able to get out of the house. I think he sees me as a disappointment to him that I'm some unemployable mess.

I hate the situation and I've been trying to find a job but because of him working shifts it's very difficult to find a job without weekend hours, fits into school time. My family are not prepared to help with any childcare. So this job has to be Mon Fri school hours and also find suitable school holiday clubs. It's all getting to me now which is making everything feel even harder.

He sounds like an absolute tool. Why so controlling? He clearly wants you at home so he’s keeping you financially short on purpose. I’m assuming you both decided you’d stay at home so why’s he being an arse? Just go find something, volunteering. What’s he going to do? Nothing

That must be so stressful. He’s treating you appallingly. Is he the children’s father?

You have a dp problem. He’s withholding money from you but then won’t ‘let’ you get a job. He’s deliberately doing it to knock your confidence and grind you down.

How are the bills being paid from your account if you have no money ?

Hopefully you will dump him and manage to become financially free

Volunteer at a local primary school...apply for any mid day supervisor/cleaner role that comes up. The school will already know you and you'll have a suitable reference (the teacher who's class you're helping in). Good luck.

Do you live near any commutable Universities? Could you get onto a degree course to improve your work prospects? There may be some courses in Clearing that you could get onto as a mature student if you have relevant work experience. You need to hurry up though. You should be eligible for student finance if you don’t already have a degree at least for tuition fees and a maintenance loan depending on your partners earnings.

Alternatively a college course which you may be able to get an advanced learned loan for (think that’s what it’s called),

You may be able to get wraparound child care/ holiday club paid if you finish after school times. You’ll also be free during most of the school hols.

Better yourself so you’re not in the position of relying of the knob you’re attached to.

You can also get a reference from your course leader when you finish for a job.

If he is out at work how will he know your working in a charity shop?

You could try and be a mobile cleaner if you drive but it has its downsides

Are you double jabbed? Care work might be an option?

You do realise this borders, on financial abuse!!! He is controlling. How did you manage finances prior to your child?

What did you do prior to having your child? What training/experience do you have?

@nimbuscloud

How are the bills being paid from your account if you have no money ?

Most likely out of tax credits and child benefit.

What did you do before you had your child?

Retraining could definitely be a good idea as you'll have the time to study.

Thanks for replies, I used to work in a nursery before I had my youngest, but as we would have needed to pay our own childcare as he earns over the cut off, it meant working all week for about £40. Even if I used my staff discount I would have earnt £140 but paid them £100 a week in half price fees for a place for my son, so it didn't seem worth working for £10 a day and was a joint decision for me to stay home to save us money as I could prepare evening meals cutting down on take aways, shop around in cheaper stores, make bf his lunches for work to help save money eating out.

As I was working all utility bills came out of my account. He pays the mortgage. He was meant to send me the money to cover the bills and food but this doesn't always happen unless I ask and ask and after several years of this and him not wanting a joint account or to change the bill payers name it's really getting to me. More recently I have to wait several weeks for money and it's started arguments with him telling me that if I need money I should get a job. I feel like rubbish that I can't get a job and resent him for his changing work patterns not helping as we don't have anyone to help with the kids. I just get told to find a way around it, that employers will understand that I can only work between 9:15 and 2:45 Monday to Friday. They don't understand. They don't want the unemployed mum who can't be flexible, work the hours or weekends when there's plenty of other people to choose from. Then bf says that I'm not trying hard enough

Christ he's undermining. Yes you need a job so that you feel better and have an escape route. As for him, he will then start saying your job is crap compared to his, be prepared.

I can't tell what you would like to do, or used to do. Identify something that would work for you then put the word out. What about waitressing work - probably a bit seasonal but a lot of jobs going in hospitality?

Try NHS - jobs.nhs.uk. there are a lot of part time workers in the NHS. If you can or will do every day Mon to Fri then short days often work well.

There are before and after school clubs which will help with the childcare issue.

The bf issue is the bigger one though. He sounds awful and I’d be thinking about what he actually brings to your life

Beyond money (which isn’t dependable anyway)

It’s financial and economic abuse, you need a plan to LTB! www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Your boyfriend is being financially and emotionally abusive.

But why would you be paying for the childcare if you went to work?

Of course me working for £10 is pointless but if it's out of the 'family money' pot then the cost is shared.

Many parents take a hit financially when paying childcare fees for the first few years but to keep a career going it's sometimes necessary.

It's horrible to be undermined by someone who is holding the finances. Definitely seek help from women's aid and make sure he doesn't know about it

He's being abusive and controlling. Contact Women's Aid. Look into volunteering at a school or local children's centre - it may do your confidence the world of good and lead to flexible term-time work (I've been in your shoes and this is what has worked for me)

Easier said than done I know but GET RID OF HIM

Even if I used my staff discount I would have earnt £140 but paid them £100 a week in half price fees for a place for my son,

No the childcare comes put of joint income
Who told you it comes only from yours?
But anyway better to work even fir 10 and build your child and ni and pension

so it didn't seem worth working for £10 a day

Yes it was because NI znd pension and see B
Above

and was a joint decision for me to stay home to save us money as I could prepare evening meals cutting down on take aways, shop around in cheaper stores, make bf his lunches for work to help save money eating out.

Of course
He wanted a skivvy
Dependent on him
To be controlled
You not married so go back to work