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AIBU - Bad work performance w/ mental health issues

8 replies

lilseb · 29/08/2021 14:37

I had a really bad time in a few years ago and it still really affects me, so I just wanted to vent and see if AIBU

I was having quite bad mental health issues; in work I couldn't concentrate and felt physically unwell, and over a few months had started to get very behind. I had to take time off, and I remember asking my employer about workload, who assured me someone else was taking care of it while I was off.

When I got back, the work was still there untouched - I now know they hadn't realised said work hadn't been done, therefore that's why they hadn't done it. At the time I was confused and assumed it meant I just needed to get on with it. This didn't last very long, and a couple of weeks later my employer asked what they could do to help as I was clearly still struggling. I made some suggestions over e-mail, including pointing out I was behind on work and could really do with some help to get back on top of it as that was triggering my stress.

The next day, I was really heavily told off for being behind - they felt like I hadn't told anyone, and it was really terrible I was so behind. I said I was sorry, but also as they knew, I'd been unwell - to which I was told "but this is months old!". There was an implication I could lose my job, which I admitted I overreacted to and I ended up in hospital after this, and a couple of times after that for different reasons.

A few months later, I was in a back to work meeting after a long time off, to talk about adjustments etc. However, at the end this issue was raised again and again worries were raised about my work performance because of this issue. The meeting ended badly because we were disputing whether or not I had raised the issue early enough. Afterwards on e-mail I tried to (constructively) point out the issue might have partially been communication (I thought I had communicated I was behind at work at a much earlier point, but they clearly did not get the message or understand the extent) and therefore maybe improving the processes for me to communicate with management might help stop this happening in the future. However, this was not well received. So I was being told I was in trouble, but we weren't able to talk about why that might have happened and what to do in future about it. I still don't understand why it was raised at all because there didn't seem to be any point coming out of it (it felt like they wanted to give me a warning for being fired etc but they never actually got round to saying it, possibly because of fears for my health).

I left that job in the end because my health did not recover, but a big part of that was that feeling I was about to be fired constantly because of this one (admittedly big and I was sorry for) issue I'd caused under ill health. I really do understand the problem my employer had - that I was unwell, but also work still needs to be done and I'd clearly messed up regardless of the reason, and what if I did it again? But it just killed my confidence permanently - the reason I struggle so much even now is because I felt really useless and that I was just making excuses for my own perofrmance, and maybe I'm not really able to cope with a job. I think the whole thing damaged my boss's attitude towards me, I just dont think he could trust me to do things after that, even though I'd been so obviously unwell.
And there is just a part of me which is certain that this is not how things should be handled - there is surely a way to raise work performance concerns while also being broadly supportive + able to acknowledge that it might be a one off caused by obvious problems? Is it unfair to think it should have been handled differently?

OP posts:
Kz1985 · 29/08/2021 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

legoriakelne · 29/08/2021 19:18

which I admitted I overreacted to and I ended up in hospital after this

The meeting ended badly because we were disputing whether or not I had raised the issue early enough.

What do these mean? On the face of it, it sounds like you had some very extreme / intense reactions and interactions at work that may not have been entirely appropriate? Reading between the lines it sounds like you got into shouting matches or at least became highly emotional and possibly accusatory?

If your boss's attitude changed (genuinely changed, not just you were worried it had and then interpreted everything in a way to "prove" that belief), perhaps it was more about incidents like these than the miscommunication about workload?

The next day, I was really heavily told off for being behind

What did this look like? Given that you've acknowledged a tendency to overreact to what was going on and described perceptions that don't align with the facts, is it not also possible that because of how you were feeling at the time you misinterpreted what was said as a "telling off"?

Similarly if you were getting angry / upset in all these conversations and becoming defensive / hostile, it would have been quite difficult for them to be constructive with you or for you to be receptive to that. They might only have been trying to understand what had happened but you interpreted it as a telling off.

because I felt really useless and that I was just making excuses for my own perofrmance, and maybe I'm not really able to cope with a job

For instance these thoughts are your opinions not facts and they are clearly driving a strong emotional response that is distorting your vision, however on a balanced view I am not sure I would agree that they are factual beliefs to hold.

Thinking that way has clearly influenced your behaviour and how you feel. It sounds like you're interpreting everything that happens through this distorted lens.

"I think I am useless and just making excuses, therefore this conversation about my workload must be an attack on me."

You're not going to feel confident or positive while you're holding beliefs like this, no matter what anybody else does.

feeling I was about to be fired constantly because of this one

Again, this was an opinion - what was the basis for it? Had you been given a written warning? Been started on capability procedures? Been invited to a disciplinary meeting?

Or was it another case of "I think I am useless and I think my boss has it in for me, therefore when they were a bit grumpy today it must be because of me and mean they're going to fire me"?

" I think I am useless so of course they will fire me"?

it felt like they wanted to give me a warning for being fired etc but they never actually got round to saying it

Again, a thought based on? Your beliefs? Mind reading?

Afterwards on e-mail I tried to (constructively) point out the issue... However, this was not well received

What did that look like? Without seeing the email or witnessing their response it's hard to know whether this was another miscommunication. Perhaps if you were feeling attacked and weren't expressing yourself well the email wasn't written in a way that sounded constructive (even if you intended it to be). Perhaps you misunderstood their response.

By your own admission you made mistakes in how you handled things. It sounds like they did too. But you have also been walking around with some very strong core beliefs that are not helping you to feel better or to be able to engage with people in better ways.

Have you had any support to address those core beliefs and the unhelpful thoughts that are the cause of your low feelings and loss of confidence?

Because that is something within your power to change, whereas you can't go back and change anything that's happened in the past.

roarfeckingroarr · 29/08/2021 19:28

You can't just not do your work, call it triggering, go off "on stress", not do it on return etc etc.. h ad infinitum. How do you expect the economy to keep ticking?

PlateSpinnerJuggler · 30/08/2021 03:37

Hey - what type of work is it?
Is it work that needs daily processing that fell behind?
I do think there should be an onus on management or team leader to sign off on this type of work daily... and they know that too and if they were on top of their business and running it effectively they should have known this was happening.

You have what sounds like (but Apologies if its not the case) a severe mental health breakdown - and sounds like depression and anxiety? Maybe something else?

It is quite normal when mental health is low to bury your head in the sand and try to ignore or forget the mounting issue around you.

Your employer should not have started to reprimand you in a meeting about returning to work following stress leave and hospitalisation for this.
I understand constructive conversation on how to go forward etc but this was not good.

I'm sorry this happened to you - but don't put the blame on yourself. And not all organisations work like this - you've tried hard - mistakes sometimes happen - but doesn't mean the same will happen in a new job.

Look after yourself - be kind to yourself.

PlateSpinnerJuggler · 30/08/2021 03:40

@roarfeckingroarr

You can't just not do your work, call it triggering, go off "on stress", not do it on return etc etc.. h ad infinitum. How do you expect the economy to keep ticking?
Really helpful comments for someone with mental health issues
PlateSpinnerJuggler · 30/08/2021 03:40

Try being kind!

lilseb · 31/08/2021 17:30

@legoriakelne

which I admitted I overreacted to and I ended up in hospital after this

The meeting ended badly because we were disputing whether or not I had raised the issue early enough.

What do these mean? On the face of it, it sounds like you had some very extreme / intense reactions and interactions at work that may not have been entirely appropriate? Reading between the lines it sounds like you got into shouting matches or at least became highly emotional and possibly accusatory?

If your boss's attitude changed (genuinely changed, not just you were worried it had and then interpreted everything in a way to "prove" that belief), perhaps it was more about incidents like these than the miscommunication about workload?

The next day, I was really heavily told off for being behind

What did this look like? Given that you've acknowledged a tendency to overreact to what was going on and described perceptions that don't align with the facts, is it not also possible that because of how you were feeling at the time you misinterpreted what was said as a "telling off"?

Similarly if you were getting angry / upset in all these conversations and becoming defensive / hostile, it would have been quite difficult for them to be constructive with you or for you to be receptive to that. They might only have been trying to understand what had happened but you interpreted it as a telling off.

because I felt really useless and that I was just making excuses for my own perofrmance, and maybe I'm not really able to cope with a job

For instance these thoughts are your opinions not facts and they are clearly driving a strong emotional response that is distorting your vision, however on a balanced view I am not sure I would agree that they are factual beliefs to hold.

Thinking that way has clearly influenced your behaviour and how you feel. It sounds like you're interpreting everything that happens through this distorted lens.

"I think I am useless and just making excuses, therefore this conversation about my workload must be an attack on me."

You're not going to feel confident or positive while you're holding beliefs like this, no matter what anybody else does.

feeling I was about to be fired constantly because of this one

Again, this was an opinion - what was the basis for it? Had you been given a written warning? Been started on capability procedures? Been invited to a disciplinary meeting?

Or was it another case of "I think I am useless and I think my boss has it in for me, therefore when they were a bit grumpy today it must be because of me and mean they're going to fire me"?

" I think I am useless so of course they will fire me"?

it felt like they wanted to give me a warning for being fired etc but they never actually got round to saying it

Again, a thought based on? Your beliefs? Mind reading?

Afterwards on e-mail I tried to (constructively) point out the issue... However, this was not well received

What did that look like? Without seeing the email or witnessing their response it's hard to know whether this was another miscommunication. Perhaps if you were feeling attacked and weren't expressing yourself well the email wasn't written in a way that sounded constructive (even if you intended it to be). Perhaps you misunderstood their response.

By your own admission you made mistakes in how you handled things. It sounds like they did too. But you have also been walking around with some very strong core beliefs that are not helping you to feel better or to be able to engage with people in better ways.

Have you had any support to address those core beliefs and the unhelpful thoughts that are the cause of your low feelings and loss of confidence?

Because that is something within your power to change, whereas you can't go back and change anything that's happened in the past.

Thanks, I thought this was a reasonable response. Trying to answer as much as I can (but don't want to give too much away) (also apologies i don't know how to quote in bits)
  1. No shouting. The first occasion I didn't do anything wrong in the meeting, but went home and tried to kill myself, which was certainly an overreaction. The second time I pointed out I had raised the issue when I was told I hadn't, was told that wasn't true, and I burst into tears. Manager later conceded we had different interpretations what had happened, so I think accepted I wasn't lying.
  1. I suppose i can't remember too well what was said, but certainly a sense of anger, why are you so behind, this is really bad, I'll need to think about what happens next. Which led to suicide attempt which like I said, was an overreaction to what happened.

3, 4 and 5 - fair enough

  1. I think the email said I was worried about the same issue happening again (me getting behind again) and maybe something could be done to help improve communication so the same situation doesn't repeat itself? And i think the answer was the processes we have in the office already were sufficient. Which I suppose they're entitled to say.

Overall, I'm in therapy for a severe mh illness and we do look at core beliefs and recently we decided we needed to do things to look at my self esteem as a response to my anxiety about this. So it's not without trying.

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 01/09/2021 18:53

libseb indeed this could and should have been handled differently.

If the work was important/necessary (assuming it was which is why it was 'work') it was down to your manager to organise it being done.

You weren't at work, so obviously you weren't doing it.

Everything else sounds like a spin off from this original situation being poorly managed by your manager, and then needing to shift the blame onto you.

Secondary to what look like considerable flaws in how the team/organisation prioritises and manages work - what on earth was it to be sitting there undone for months? If no-one noticed, it does sort of beg the question how important it was.

I'm sorry that you've been so unwell.

You clearly are able to cope with a job, but need a competent manager. Feeling victimised, told off, unfairly treated and threatened does drive people round the bend - there was a very unfortunate conflation between your mental health vulnerabilities and a poorly managed situation at work.

Neither are your fault and it's only the first one that you can do something about, which you are doing.

Take care.

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