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Original poster

Advice desp needed on our Aupair

18 replies

Richa · 09/11/2004 12:19

Hi I would be so grateful for advice. Our aupair has become very withdrawn. She has been with us for 3 weeks. Last week I came home to find her in floods of tears, she told me her father (who lives on his own in Poland) had an epileptic fit and she wasn't there for him. Since then, she has become very cold to dd, who has asked why our aupair isn't talking to her - Apparently, our aupair 'doesn't like speaking everyday.' Oh dear. I got her through an agency. Should I replace her? I am worried about dd and her.

OP posts:
carla · 09/11/2004 12:31

Have you asked the agency for their advice?

Original poster
Richa · 09/11/2004 12:37

Yes, they say they have a replacement girl in the area, who finds her current aupair job too demanding. I will have speak to the agency again. Not sure whether to ride the wave or start again.

OP posts:
binkie · 09/11/2004 12:37

Yes, I do think you should replace her. Homesickness is one thing, and so is reservedness, but add a sick father left on his own & it's something else. I think she needs to go home.

spacemonkey · 09/11/2004 12:38

what does your au pair say? Does she want to go back to poland?

oxocube · 09/11/2004 12:41

I would try having a frank talk with your au pair. It sounds like she is desperately homesick and maybe wants to return to Poland - it is hard enough in a new country when you don't know the language/customs very well, without worrying about your family. I know quite a few au pairs and the families who employ them and the most successful partnerships are when both family and au pair are very honest with each other. I think you have to tell this young girl that you are concerned about the lack of warmth between her and your dd. After all, you have to trust the person looking after your child and feel that they get on and like each other. Also agree that a phone call to the agency would help. Maybe your au pair has already been in touch with them. Good luck

Original poster
Richa · 09/11/2004 12:42

Hi. Yes, I have asked her and she says she wants to stay with us, but then she goes up to her room and stays there until I have to call her down. I also believe she needs to be with her sick father, as the effect it's having on her is making her very withdrawn...

OP posts:
bakedpotato · 09/11/2004 12:46

maybe if you explain there's another girl nearby who can step in ie she won't be letting you down she might find it easier to admit that perhaps this isn't the best time for her to be away from home.
how sad for all of you

oxocube · 09/11/2004 12:47

Richa, is this her 1st time away from home?

oxocube · 09/11/2004 12:48

Sorry, also meant to add, does she have any Polish friends/ other au pairs she meets up with?

Original poster
Richa · 09/11/2004 12:52

Thanks, BP and all of you. You're right. I do need to talk to her again. I do think she feels she is letting us down. She does have a sister here, who is probably feeling the same way. They have both come to the UK, leaving the father alone. The fact that I am confused is because she has said to me that she doesn't want to go back home, but then my dd tells me that there is no conversation between them. Thank you, though x

OP posts:
Original poster
Richa · 10/11/2004 12:25

Hi to you. Just to let you know that I spoke to our Aupair this morning. She hasn't been feeling happy aupairing. The agency also called her and she is withdrawn because she doesn't like talking all the time (ie with my chatty dd)! Feel a bit gutted for my dd. The agency suggested I get a Mother's Help who is more confident with children. I'm a sole parent, is there anyone here in the same situation. With an aupair?

OP posts:
bakedpotato · 10/11/2004 12:59

well, i hope you don't feel too sorry for her anymore. wishing you luck in finding a nice chatty replacement for your dd ASAP

Original poster
Richa · 10/11/2004 13:07

Thanks BP. It's not a nice feeling because I really tried to make her feel welcome. I even gave her dd's room because it was bigger! I hope I'll find a chattier companion and carer for dd, too.

OP posts:
bakedpotato · 10/11/2004 13:13

well, some people just aren't suited to the role. shame the agency didn't suss that out when they took her on. how much longer will this one stay (bet you're tempted to stick her in the boxroom tonight )?
is it your first experience with an aupair?
i'm not at that stage yet, so can't offer any pointers on aupairs vs mothers helps. maybe someone else will soon.

Caligula · 10/11/2004 13:37

Richa don't give up. You've paid the agency fees and presumably they're going to send you a new one, so just wait and see what the new one is like. It's not good enough for the agency to say try a mother's help instead, they should send you an au-pair who can cope with the fact that children talk a lot.

I'm a lone parent and have au-pairs, and I think when you're on your own it's even more important to have a good one, because the au-pair becomes the other adult in the childrens' lives. Don't despair - there are really good ones out there, who will get on well with your DD. The agency should emphasise to any au-pair that the job of au-pairing in a one parent family is slightly different to two parents, but as long as you get an au-pair who can hack that, you'll be fine.

Uwila · 10/11/2004 13:59

Richa,
I can SOOOOO relate to this story. I had a young au pair from Poland last summer. Shortly after arriving her mother had a heart attack, and she was very sad/withdrawn, and then gave us notice to go home. She left in less than a week (even though her contract required 4 weeks notice). To this day, I think she made a bit more of the heart attack story as an excuse to go home.

You may think I'm a bit harsh, but my experience with this au pair made me less tolerant of an untrustworthy au pair. Assuming that her job is to look after your DD, I would never, no way, no how, tolerate her being withdrawn from the child. If she is not mature enough to put her personal problems aside for the welfare of the child, then she has no business being an au pair.

It is my firm belief that we as parent have to be ruthless sometimes when it is what is best for our kids. It is our job as parents to put the kids first.

To be withdrawn from the cild is just not right. I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect your au pair to lead by example. If your child is expected to tolerate a withdrawn au pair, then how can you ever tell her that that is not acceptable behaviour for her.

Uwila · 10/11/2004 14:04

I should also add, that I know have a different au pair, who I positively love. She teaches DD new words, colors, how to count... and DD is only 19 months old. She is great on nutrition. She is loving, friendly, very accommodating when I ask for last minute babysitting. I love her. :-)

So, keep trying. If you need to have the agency supply a new au pair, I think they should. That's what you pay then for.

However, it may be worth sitting down with your current au pair as one last ditch effort and outlining (in writing) your expectations of the job.

Original poster
Richa · 10/11/2004 14:33

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It's difficult enough being alone, and the rewarding feeling of knowing dd is happy compensates for for a lot. This is not the first time we have had an aupair. We had a lovely aupair plus who was with us for nearly a year. She left to become a fulltime Nanny for a toddler (my dd is 8 and at school). I will not give up, like you say. And will carry on the search. I'll keep hounding the agency. I'm really grateful for your advice. x

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