Catch 22

[BleddyHell]

I don't know if this is the right place but I'm not brave enough for AIBU and not really sure where else it would fit. Hoping for some advice from those on the outside.

My dh has been incredibly unhappy in his job so applied for several jobs. He has been offered a job with a large (for us) pay increase and hours that fit in with school (ds would have to do breakfast/after school club). I work 7am-7.30pm and have just had a promotion which, in real terms, means my basic pay is what I earn now but by working a lot of nights and weekends so I'm technically not any better off (other than not feeling like a zombie 90% of the time) unless I work weekends (new role has no nights). So his new job seems like a no brainer.

However, today, he went to an interview for a job that is a total change in direction. He LOVED the job, came home full of it and excited, but he hadn't looked at shifts/hours for the job. The problem is this...his shifts would be 4 on, 4 off, 5am-3pm or 1pm-10pm. We will never be able to work on the same day as we have absolutely no support network and, even if we did, nobody is going to be happy having ds from 6am (not to mention how unfair that would be on ds). It's also much less money than his new job, £4ph less so several hundred a month. There's is the option of him only doing 2 days on but then we will be more down meaning I face the prospect of having to work every weekend to make up the shortfall.

He is now moping because I have said I don't think it's a viable option and I get why he's upset, he really did love the job, and I feel like an arse. I'm not prioritising my job over his but I'm made to feel that way.

Wwyd?

Urgh sulking.

Just ask him what he thinks the solution is.

He doesn't know what the solution is, neither of us do. In an ideal world he'd be able to take the job as its something he'd enjoy doing. It's just shite it doesn't fit in with anything because of the shifts.

It's difficult to know what advice you're expecting. Only you and your DH can resolve to apply for work that gives you half a chance of (a) being able to prioritise your child's care needs and (b) does have you working so many hours for such long stretches (7.00am to 7.30pm??) that you aren't physically and mentally exhausted. That isn't healthy and it will give you no personal resource to engage with your son's needs when you are at home, because you'll be catching up on sleep.

Why do you both have to work such crazy long hours? Does your type of work have to involve shifts, or can at least one of you get hours to tie in with your son. Surely he has to be your priority...

does = doesn't

Working life is several decades long, but the duration of having kids little enough to need proper childcare before and after school is relatively short. Between now and when your DC is 12/13 you both need to make career decisions which are compatible with ensuring your DC is ok before and after school, so this shift work job isn't really compatible. In a few years time he can plan a change of career direction and go for the thing that he will enjoy more but which doesn't currently fit with family needs.

@daisychain01 I'm a nurse, have been for 20 years, my working hours are entirely normal unfortunately. I can assure you our ds has always come first, which is why I've endured years of working weekend nights (up until January when I changed department and wasn't able to, which I was happy about). My dh hours aren't crazy, he's been doing mon-fri 8-4, so much more "friendly".

I'm not sure what advice I am asking for, yesterday was a weird day as dh was sad that he has found a job he thinks he would be really happy in, but can't take it as it just doesn't fit. It feels a bit unfair but I guess it is what it is.

I feel for him, but it's impossible. You've no childcare, he simply can't do it.
Besides, it's an unknown quantity. We all know that jobs sometimes sound great on paper but turn out to be horrible.
If you're doing 3 long days plus a make up shift then it wouldn't be fair to ask you to do a 4th on the weekend to make up the money.
He's a parent and needs to find work that works around the family, there's no more to be said really.

How old is your child? It seems unfair for him to have to give up possibly the opportunity of a life time when its just a case of you juggling your hours for one more year..

Or is it another 10 years of childcare needed?

Is this a job he can go back to in the future or not?

You're doing pretty gruelling shifts, OP, that's all I'm saying. My best friend is a nurse and has been all her career, but she and her DH took decisions together that ensured the childcare was covered.

The fact you're putting in those long hours, but your DH is the one who's moping and sad says to me he needs to step up and face reality. To reiterate my point, he needs to apply for jobs where the hours work with your hours, if you intend to keep working the same shifts. No point him realising after he's been offered a job he's set his heart on that it doesn't work with your hours and he then gets upset. Alternatively, you could reduce your hours and then he has to find a job that makes things more evenly balanced.

I'm not quite clear what you think is "Catch 22".

He doesn't know what the solution is, neither of us do

That’s the point. He is sulking in an attempt to make this your problem. So that you find the solution. Only there isn’t one. So he can blame you.

He wants to change the status quo so he either accepts the situation or he resolves the situation.

There isn't anything wrong with being disappointed, however that doesn't mean that you should have to put the whole family out in order to accommodate him.

I've been in your DH's position, I was gutted not to be able to accept the role but as the primary carer (and no option to change my DH's hours) I just had to accept it, there was no way to do it. I can always get a similar role once DCs are older.

But he’s not been offered the job that he wants? Just the other job?