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Original poster

When my manager is stressed he gets snappy...

10 replies

Metabigot · 06/08/2021 19:11

Anyone had a manager who is usually OK but when under pressure makes you feel like an idiot and snaps/ shows irritation?

I've just been breezily trying not to react but it makes me feel like shit.

Most of the time we get on well but increasingly he goes into snappy stress mode and barks instructions I don't understand then gets frustrated when it's not done as he intended yet he's not letting me clarify what he wants as its all very last minute and he then says he'll do it himself as he doesn't have time.

I have to suck it up yeah?

OP posts:
Planty13 · 06/08/2021 19:17

Yeah my first manager was like this. It was hard cause she was my friend before she became my manager so I used to excuse it but it was like treading on egg shells sometimes.

I have since had managers who would never do that and it’s so refreshing, I didn’t know better when I was younger.

Could you request a 121 and talk about it?

Original poster
Metabigot · 06/08/2021 19:23

@Planty13

Yeah my first manager was like this. It was hard cause she was my friend before she became my manager so I used to excuse it but it was like treading on egg shells sometimes.

I have since had managers who would never do that and it’s so refreshing, I didn’t know better when I was younger.

Could you request a 121 and talk about it?

I'm not sure... I'm new and just stepped up into a bigger role than the one I was recruited for.

I'm just kind of breezily not reacting and trying to show I'm not bothered... he's a bit jekyll and Hyde though as when he's not stressed he's OK.

He 'accidentally ' ended a teams call the other day tho when he asked for something that I hadn't done then realised he'd never asked me to do it...

You can't accidentally end a teams call right? You have to put your mouse on the leave button....

Blatantly he wanted to swear off air....

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 06/08/2021 19:30

Yeah that's just really lousy management and very unprofessional. I had a manager like this once. Hell on earth and he nearly lost some very good team members during his divorce because he was unable to keep his private life separate from work and refrain from taking it out on us, which is what the rest of us had to do when we had personal issues because we were not in senior positions and wouldn't have got away with the same bullshit.

If you feel confident enough to raise it with him then please do so. You have every right not to be mistreated at work. Perhaps schedule a meeting for a calmer time if you can predict when that may be. Otherwise go above his head and speak with HR or, if you don't have an HR dept then his line manager.

Belleager · 06/08/2021 19:42

I had a manager like this - two actually. I liked them but it's stressful dealing with that.

Can you tell if it's just you he treats like this?

One of them - I watched, realised he never treated assertive men this way, did some basic reading on body language, changed my reactions, and he stopped.

Never sorted the other one out and was on eggshells around him. He was under stress but I think he knew what he was doing too. The Jekyll and Hyde thing can be disorienting and depressing. I focused on not minding - looking at him and imagining him shrinking.

But you know, ending the teams call "by accident" isn't something I'd complain about. If he needed to let off steam and knew not to expose you to that, good.

KillingMeDeftly · 06/08/2021 19:48

Yep, I had a manager like this and one day I decided to sit him down and explained that the team were a bit concerned as he'd been very stressed and was reacting to it by lashing out at us. He dealt with the situation by...lashing out at me!

Original poster
Metabigot · 06/08/2021 21:14

@Belleager

I had a manager like this - two actually. I liked them but it's stressful dealing with that.

Can you tell if it's just you he treats like this?

One of them - I watched, realised he never treated assertive men this way, did some basic reading on body language, changed my reactions, and he stopped.

Never sorted the other one out and was on eggshells around him. He was under stress but I think he knew what he was doing too. The Jekyll and Hyde thing can be disorienting and depressing. I focused on not minding - looking at him and imagining him shrinking.

But you know, ending the teams call "by accident" isn't something I'd complain about. If he needed to let off steam and knew not to expose you to that, good.

I think im just going be less available/slower to respond when he's being a twat.... went to lunch today and he rang and called incessantly til he realised. I wasn't answering...

I heard it from downstairs (work from home) but ignored I until I'd had a break... hoping he will realise I'm not going to give my good will if he's being a tit.

I really don't feel comfortable speaking my mind. I did this with my last boss and got bullied and it all went very sour...

OP posts:
Belleager · 06/08/2021 22:03

Yes - as much as you can feel in control of your reactions, that will help. It is easier said than done. But it helps that their behaviour stops surprising you. First few times, the switch from pleasant to unpleasant feels really personal. But they're the problem, not you.

I would keep an eye on how it affects your mood and working life - manager 2 wasn't good for me and if he hadn't left, I'd have needed to think about it. But this might be a bad patch for him - they calm down sometimes too.

Agree speaking your mind, unfortunately, doesn't always help at all. And HR aren't great at what can seem like he-said she-said scenarios.

Look after yourself - hope it improves for you.

FawnDrench · 09/08/2021 18:27

I think you definitely need to give him some feedback about his attitude / behaviour / manner at the time these incidences happen.
It's not acceptable at all.

It's perfect reasonable to say "please stop using that tone of voice / please don't speak to me like that/ I'm not at all comfortable with your attitude right now / I'm going to walk away until you've calmed down / are more composed etc."
You need to point out HIS behaviour and stop letting him railroad you, just because he can be nice at times.
Very manipulative and unprofessional.

If you don't try and counter this disrespectful and unnecessary behaviour from him straight away he will keep doing it and it will further undermine you.

MintLeaves12 · 13/08/2021 13:04

Yep my manager now!

Over such ridiculous things , usually in front of lots of people in the team too! Snap out of nowhere Angry

Original poster
Metabigot · 13/08/2021 18:52

Well he's been nice this week and even called me a 'diamond' today....

I've decided if it's occasional just to ignore it, no point making a fuss about something intermittent.

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